I’m writing this blog on my phone because it’s the only thing to pull me out of the exhausted haze I’m in. In a cafe to escape my apartment oven. It’s loud in here and I hate the noise. I don’t want to listen to Ozzie full blast among all the summer bodies, doors clanging, steem wafting…but I cannot escape. This is my life right here and now. Wailing Ozzie and the novel Steppenwolf that makes me sleepy when I attempt to read it, though I want to read it badly. It’s hard to focus in here and my mind hurts and I’m craving silence but outside feels sticky and hazy like my brain. Where am I? Come here, now. Now. Here. Humans with books, laptops, coffee, tea, beer, sandwiches, glasses and plates. Oh, moment, I’m sorry but I crave to be somewhere else. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be new and somewhere new. But I can appreciate this too. Air conditioning cools my balmy skin. Loud music sucks the sorrow out of me. I’m not up to my old stories again. The summer is dying. The old me is dying. My love is dying too. Old love, that is. The kind of love that hangs on to sand castles and travels like the wind. This heart that beats inside this skin is passionate and scarlet red. I couldn’t pretend to be anything less. Like the glowing neon R of the beer sign I see before me. Like the melting ice in the cold brew coffee I’m drinking. Wait. Melting ice is not passionate, not one bit. Melting ice is that other part of me speaking. I wish to melt away into nothingness. I am melting under Shiva’s fire. Ozzie is unconscious medicine. No edit on this one. Not even a read through. It is what is and I am see-through.
haven’t blogged in days. almost forgot about blogging as a something i do regularly. speaks to the kind of week it has been. the eclipse took me for a ride so intense. right before, i was light light light. felt the beauty and gifts in everyone around me and was doing the positive talk thing i do in a sort of hyper, maybe slightly obnoxious fashion. the eclipse arrived and i got to see it with the glasses a clinician brought and shared with everyone. wonder, stillness, surreal, magic. all the fuzzy feelings. until about an hour later. i am breathing like i am having a panic attack and i feel the most tender sorrow enter my heart. i wish to crawl inside the earth like a mole and hide. tea and binaural beats from friends are offered and i am able to stave off the sickness and emotional sensitivity within a few hours and get back to what i do. but once home, it hits again in the form of nausea. all i can do is plop on the couch until bed. wake up, do yoga, feel nauseas again and notice a mysterious bruise arrive on arm and not sure how. scary bruise. i freak out but know i am freaking out. then a tidal wave of sorrow mixed with fear hits. sorrow for not being with my man. fear for being alone. overwhelm for the intense state of transition i am going through and feeling no sense of home. the animal feels devastated and terrified. beyond consolation. i paint it out. cry it out. have a convo that ignites deeper sorrow cause i feel shame and unseen…or…the archetype feels shame and unseen. the sorrowful fallen angel archetype within is much bigger than me. the archetype is my ancestors and it seeks to be heard, honored, and loved. it considers running into the safety of an ashram because life feels too painful. i am reminded to give space for the archetype to have her voice. this calms her. then i am given a shamanic healing spontaneously by a friend. i send my ancestors back through the veil. it is too much to be their avatar. i call upon an etheric avatar to be a bridge between me and my ancestors. i come into the full present moment, paired down, sparse, simple, five senses. i touch the hand of my man on the etheric level. i really feel him and so does my shamanic friend. he is gentle, kind, and my soul connects to his music completely. i feel calmed and centered. the sorrow lifts. i am reminded that by choosing nourishing romantic love, i heal my ancestors. back home i chill out and feel back to myself. the archetype has receded back into the unconscious again. we talked about how the archetypes live through us as shattered parts of oneness that came into being when soul incarnated into form. the archetypes collect story after story of pain and subjugation as they move from body to body and life to life, invisible to the five sense but the foundation of every human animal. there are joyous archetypes too but it is important to give lots of space for the pain to speak, be validated, and receive love. she gave the archetype the love it needed this time around and she reminded me of sacred regulation: one thing at a time. next morning i feel back to center. my gums ache though. the animal is still tender and lost a bit. the veil that opened during the eclipse, allowing all the energies of the universe in on all dimensions, is closing again. slowly closing. i still feel disoriented. i had nightmares last night about being constantly watched and having no freedom or agency. so much is emerging for healing. mercury is retrograde. the words feel stuck but the heart feels open. we all need love. i am giving love to myself and i also feel oddly disconnected from others. i feel like we are all in our own bubbles right now. or maybe it is just me in my own bubble of regeneration, in the deep. the energies are shifting continually though. i will emerge from the cave soon. this eclipse is no joke. it’s huge. been so emotional and uncomfortable going through this. but that’s ok. i do it for me and for us. i do it for the love we are.
here is the painting i made:
i don’t even know what to say. so many emotions are coming out of this body and storming through this psyche. i just did a full moon mars sun opposing moon pluto thing by bringing my emotional reactivity down into the shadow and allowing my shadow to express her full on reactivity, which of course, is rooted in childhood, not the present. it is scary and intense to go there, as the body knows no time in its memory and feels things the way the child felt them. but this time, i brought my ego consciously down with me to the shadow and when i tapped the root of reactivity, my ego advocated for the hurt little shadow girl. only took about two minutes. so fast. once i expressed the shadow’s child like hurt and the ego advocated, i felt better and no longer reactive. my reactivity transformed into peace and understanding. i can see from this experience how mars sun cancer is totally an emotional advocate of nurturing. it wants to protect and care for the hurt places inside that pluto moon. but it can only do that by journeying to pluto moon. only through reactivity from some present conflict happening does the path to the underworld’s hurt shadow child become clear. in this way, reactivity is a map to the treasure chest. let the full moon begin. learning learning learning. when i am learning and mentally engaged i feel a happy sense of purpose. i am still on this trip about how we all get our meaning-making vitality from different elements. some of us find meaning making vitality in the mental narrative, in air. that would be me (my chart is mostly air, too). some people experience it in connecting with nature, in earth. some people discover it in doing and accomplishment, fire. some people find it in heart, feeling, loving, in water. it’s not just one element we derive vitality from and it can change too. all of the above. just really paying attention to what element of meaning-making raises my life force and gives me vitality, right now in my life, as i face an unspeakable grief and journey through surrender. always seeking balance…
it’s become clear to me this past week that i want to move back to vegas once i graduate because being close to my folks feels more important that being in seattle. it make take a little longer to get licensed in vegas, i think i will need to take more classes, not sure yet…but the extra time is worth the outcome. i can make a life in vegas for myself for the next chunk of years, be near my parents, and have peace of mind. sometimes life requires sacrifice. i see the decision, i see the scales, and i know what is right in my own heart. i am somebody who has lived in many places. virginia, wisconsin, new mexico, new york, montana, oregon, california, washington…it’s easy for me to relocate. vegas was once a home and it can be a home again. the positive of vegas, aside from my parents being there, is lots of sunshine and cheaper rent. i am still contemplating although my life force fills with vitality and the feeling of right action when i contemplate this move happening.
i am working on having a more positive mind. did the whole “let go of the story” and not invest in mind at all thing and feel i mastered that for a few years, though i realize i never will stick to one path. i move through them, integrating the lessons and expanding into the unknown. right now, meaning making in the mind is a great passion i am embracing. i welcome the meaning making mind. i don’t see it as inferior. these days somatic work is the big wave in therapy world. i think it’s powerful. for me, my somatic experience shifts more through the mind. when i have an a-ha or understand something in the mind, my entire body shifts, my nervous system heals. we all respond differently to techniques. some people heal through noticing feelings in their body and releasing them. for me, that only brings temporary healing in the moment. long term healing, i find through the meaning making of my mind. there is room for the variety. these days, there seems to be this air toward cognitive healing that makes it seems disconnected to the body. maybe it’s due to all the mind body connecting i have done over the years through yoga, but my mind directly connects to my body. the most important thing i have learned is that each person needs their own road map for healing and as healers, we are all called to our specialization. as i write my paper, i see how my specialization is highly cognitive. it is centered around awareness. deep awareness. unconscious awareness. it is depth psychology but my own version of it, bringing in my own versions of astrology and tarot. i suppose i follow my intuition the whole way through. i trust it. i trust my intuition more than anything else. more than feedback from others, more than systems of healing, more than any deity. i find my power in source within.
the sky is silver grey this morning. the full moon is coming up saturday in capricorn conjuncting pluto and opposing a sun and mars conjunction. my interpretation of this is about the underworld coming into the light of awareness, asking for us to understand the shadow through the rational capricorn light of feminine intuitive awareness. masculine sun mars oppose in cancer, the ego is driven to feel it all, which can be a bit scary with all that masculine drive activated in us. could look like the shadow coming out through feelings without awareness, if pluto moon is denied. we need our intuion to bring understanding about these feelings and our shadow side. if our ego drive can take a swim into our shadow deeper self, a merging can take place. the ego will discover awareness through intuition as the shadow is revealed. awareness is healing because it removes blame and scapegoating. it removes denial, allowing us to own our part. this blog is getting long….finis.
haven’t blogged in days. it’s not feeling right. i might take a break, unless i can break through this feeling of it not feeling right. unless my true self tells me this is of benefit. tomorrow we find out my mom’s exact diagnosis. this feels like the longest week ever. i am being very self-carey to my self. the best. but nothing takes the feelings away or changes them. the self care makes it so i don’t collapse. my friends feel like they are living on a land away from the land i am living on. being in the underworld is what this is. people keep wanting to make plans to see me and i keep feeling like i can’t commit. the moods change all the time. i am unable to be myself as i was. i don’t have the lightness. i feel flat inside a lot. i am coping. i feel best when working. sitting with my clients feels good because it feels good to care for others. maybe part of this is due to the fact that i cannot be where my mom is to care for her. i feel all i want to do is work and care and be alone mostly. people keep expressing they don’t want me to isolate. i am thankful for their concern. when i am alone i am not isolating, i am with spirit and being with spirit is my most important self-care so that i can show up for my mom, my family, and my life. being alone is being connected to my source of power, the divine in me. it’s when i get to really feel the divine as a support and guide. hugs feel good right now. touch. motherly care. it’s all about the mother. mothering. being mothered. the irony of this all starting to happen while the sun is in cancer, which is all about the mother, is eerily synchronistic. i have to write my first draft of the first draft of my final paper this weekend. the hippie draft as i call it. or…my true nature draft, versus the “play by the rules of society” draft. i feel suppleness for having to do this because i have chosen to infiltrate the system. i am doing my shadow work and therefor not projecting my shadow onto society right now. i am owning how i marginalize myself and also allowing the angry animal to have her feelings for being oppressed inside. this reduces my victim-reactivity toward the external world and its leaders while building my desire to do something about it through taking action. i am rooted in bringing change in the world through connecting with my true power source within…like letia neito speaks about, like jung speaks about, like the shamans understood. as within, so without. this is the direction. this is all i can do. i am determined to show up for my mom and this world and myself. white eagle shared with my reiki healer who shared with me that he is painting a feather for each ancestor and making a head dress for me. i understand that this is appropriation because i have no native blood (as far as i know) and at the same time i truly feel native american in my soul. not so much native american as connected to the ways of nature no matter what continent. in fact, i connect most with the celtic shamans because i remember a life i lived there long long ago. we did not wear head dresses but we honored our ancestors with decorations on robes. i also feel connected to a life in guatemala, though the memory is more fuzzy. my most potent indigenous memory is from my life on mu. the wound began there but that is too long of a story to go into. i like the head dress with feathers. i am very connected to birds. once this chief appeared in the reiki session, he came to me and told me to call him white eagle. a few days later i saw a white eagle flying overhead, playing or fighting with a crow or raven. the crow/raven represents the shadow. it was such a powerful sign. anyhow….i am not sure why white eagle wanted to make an appearance in blog but i felt like i needed to share. we all have so much support from the other realms…
it’s been a few days. very unlike me. very tough week. found out my mom has cancer yesterday. i was on the bus almost to my stop, on my way to work. the warrior and heart break burst open at once, flooding out in tears and conviction. calls to family. talking to my supervisors. thankful for working in the mental health field. i heard my mom’s voice in my head, her wish being for me to graduate. i decided to finish up my day. working closed the void in my heart. routine is everything. she will fight this and we will be her fellow warriors. the outcome is unknown. lots of people heal from cancer or keep on living even if they have it. fucking cancer. life is so intense. each day i will wear the garnet heart. each day i will wear eye make-up. each day i will shoot storm troopers. each day i will allow tears out of this body. each day i will show up present for my mom, my family, my clients, my friends, this world. each day i will live knowing each day could be my last day. the inner wounds i have been carrying throughout my life feel like sand castles washing away in the sea of something larger. getting in touch with my shadow side as this destiny with my mom is happening is no coincidence. i have no issues feeling my own pain. no issues sobbing or feeling angry. no issues feeling tender or fearful. feeling my own feelings is something i have mastered. i am unafraid of myself. i can feel everything and show up with hope as i build warrior strength through my love for my mom. what i struggle with is not being near my mom, thinking about her having to go through chemo, her journey. i can visit though. i am doing what is right but it’s not easy. doing the right thing can be so hard. my shadow craves unhealthy outlets and i allow the fantasies of those outlets to emerge. i entertain them briefly. tell a friend or two. allow the fantasies to wash back into the larger sea, knowing my only medicine is love. false refuges just don’t work anymore. wasn’t easy to be at the wedding last night but i found some light. their love is inspiring because they have been through the dark and back again. they have travelled the wheel of life. their joy for each other is vivid, their trust builds over time, they are way into each other, flaws, highlights, and all. i wasn’t able to celebrate but i was able to honor. the sun is back out again. warm weather hits seattle with summer. i will force myself on the jog soon. but a slow morning it will be….
feeling the weirdness of life. how you never know when your time will come to die. my mom said she is at peace with dying and not afraid and i feel the same way. i am at peace with dying and unafraid too. we are the same that way. sickness may suddenly happen and come on like a mafia boss, threatening the life of someone you love yet you could still be the one to die today in an accident or something sudden and random like that. this is not new news to us but i am feeling hyper aware of how anyone’s life can go at any moment. the other reactivity i am experiencing, as i read books for research on my paper, is when healers of all kinds think they have the solution to it all. just realize your destiny and journey to heal yourself and you’ll live a life of true self joy. just let go of self and your thoughts and identify with oneness and all will be well. just do this and the cessation of pain will occur or the happiness will occur. feeling this also with the idea that illnesses are caused by only one thing. like cancer is only caused by pent up emotions forming a tumor. or that all pathology is a result of trauma. or that all schizophrenia is a shamanic experience where the person needs to get in touch with their spiritual gifts. i don’t feel this to be true. i don’t feel you can reduce suffering, pathology, or the shadow to one reason or cause. i also am feeling reactive toward idealism. this is all stemming from me getting in touch with my shadow. how i have idealized the light of healing in order to keep the opposite of that in the bag i drag behind me (pluto’s shadow). as i get in touch with the non-reductionist, reasonless, complicated, difficult, existential, isolating, painful-without-solution shadow side…i find myself not glomming onto the need for a power source of any kind to handle the pain of life, such as a be-all solution, a spiritual path, or whatever. it’s not easy to accept the pain of living. at the time i am standing up more for what i believe due to healing another polarity split (mars). white eagle has come into my life to help me reclaim the masculine authority i put into the bag at birth. many aspects i am taking out of the bag as i work on connecting these aspects to the astrological planets so i may form a cohesive model for my paper. i am understanding jupiter’s shadow believing everyone can heal from this model of the healing the shadow (or whatever model is alive at the time) and that it’s the best model ever (dogmatism). this is the other shadow piece unearthing, due to me being so reactive toward the be-all-end-all solution healers. what is in your shadow that you cannot own comes to you as the other that you judge. it’s trippy to see how i am reactive to these healers because jupiter’s shadow is longing to be let out of my bag. i am giving awareness and letting my shadow out of the bag. as i do this, i heal the split. in healing the split, i don’t live in a false light that gives everyone freedom to believe in whatever they want. instead, i admit that i believe some truths are better than others and some truths are be-all end all truths. it’s hard to admit the shadow side of the personality. i mean, sure, it’s easy to admit shameful wounds (for me, anyhow) because wounds don’t make me an asshole. but to admit the shadow makes me look like an asshole. yet if i can be brave enough to honor my inner asshole, i can stop projecting it onto an ultimate asshole in the world, taking the power off of leaders who are everyone’s shadow unrealized all rolled into one ball of complete hell-fire. it’s a start in the right direction and i own believing that. you may not believe in this model of how reality works. i may think you are wrong while i say you are free to be right too. powerful. just by saying this out loud, i laugh at myself and feel playful. letting the shadow out of the bag instantly brings on a feeling of playfulness, like i am just a wild child in the universe succumbing to the human thing with all the foibles and beauty that come with being this form of creature. this human experience is hilarious. we are born and we die, how insane is that to begin with? i say this with curious lightness, not sarcasm. i say this to balance out the sobbing and all the heavy hearted feelings that are as real as the playfulness and as earnest as the fear. we are all the things and i am grateful for another day we get to be be here as us…