I’m writing this blog on my phone because it’s the only thing to pull me out of the exhausted haze I’m in. In a cafe to escape my apartment oven. It’s loud in here and I hate the noise. I don’t want to listen to Ozzie full blast among all the summer bodies, doors clanging, steem wafting…but I cannot escape. This is my life right here and now. Wailing Ozzie and the novel Steppenwolf that makes me sleepy when I attempt to read it, though I want to read it badly. It’s hard to focus in here and my mind hurts and I’m craving silence but outside feels sticky and hazy like my brain. Where am I? Come here, now. Now. Here. Humans with books, laptops, coffee, tea, beer, sandwiches, glasses and plates. Oh, moment, I’m sorry but I crave to be somewhere else. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be new and somewhere new. But I can appreciate this too. Air conditioning cools my balmy skin. Loud music sucks the sorrow out of me. I’m not up to my old stories again. The summer is dying. The old me is dying. My love is dying too. Old love, that is. The kind of love that hangs on to sand castles and travels like the wind. This heart that beats inside this skin is passionate and scarlet red. I couldn’t pretend to be anything less. Like the glowing neon R of the beer sign I see before me. Like the melting ice in the cold brew coffee I’m drinking. Wait. Melting ice is not passionate, not one bit. Melting ice is that other part of me speaking. I wish to melt away into nothingness. I am melting under Shiva’s fire. Ozzie is unconscious medicine. No edit on this one. Not even a read through. It is what is and I am see-through.
i haven’t wanted to blog because of what’s happening now. i will try because maybe it is helpful and a good thing. my mother is not well. soon we will find out if it is cancer or not. we all thought she’s just been having ptsd and anxiety these past months but she knew it was something more and she was right. my mom is very in touch with her body. i feel regretful that we dismissed her though none of us meant to do that. it’s so psychological. nobody wants to believe that illness is putting you in a place of surrender. how illness dominates when it strikes…i feel scared, sad, and my mom is all i can think about. the tears come of their own accord, a tsunami of sobbing. my family keeps saying to be strong. strong looks different for everybody. for me it looks like getting all of my feelings out. i cannot push them down. strength, for me, is not putting on a face of calm. strength is achieving a genuine calm through getting out the tsunami feelings so that i may show up for my mom as a pillar and a comfort. this is what i would want if it was happening to me. we do it for each other. she said i need to graduate and that it will give her peace of mind. i agree because i need to get my livelihood settled. this degree is not for fun, it’s for me to be able to pay for my life and contribute as a human being. i have five months to go till i graduate. it’s not easy. i need to write my paper this weekend and it’s so hard. i want to leave and go be with her. i can do this on my days off but we are all waiting to get test results back before planning visits. my paper is on healing through shadow work. the shadow is not grief, anger, and sorrow unless the ego wont acknowledge those feelings, when looking at the shadow through a jungian lens. but this is the underworld type of shadow we are in, my family. it is the darkness and the night, where we don’t know what will happen. loss is present and we don’t know where the end point of loss is yet. hope is alive in my heart. many people have benign growths in their body and many people heal from cancer. my sister and niece both healed from cancer. my cousin also healed from cancer. the uncertainty is challenging. i am having hope through the sorrow and fear, getting the feelings out when the feelings strike, and taking it one moment at a time. i have support, my mom has support, my family has support.
i love my mommy so much. we are incredibly similar. she is not into anything deep, expressive, intellectual, or heady like me but we both share a similar sensitivity and crankiness. she loves a clean house, light hearted television shows, animals, funky earrings, the color green, morning time and card games. funny and yet very typical, how the older i get the more i like light hearted television shows and cleanliness. i’ve started wearing eye make-up every day to be closer to her because she wears eye make-up. my entire family are animal lovers and morning people. i feel hesitant to write about this in public. i am not sure if i should. but this blog is by no means a blog many people read. i cannot explain why blogging is something i feel so compelled to keep up no matter what is happening in my life.
we all go through this story in life. we all get sick. we all have families. i love my family so much despite all of the differences and wounds. i have forgiveness for all that went wrong and acceptance for all that courses through each of us. i feel deeply in my heart that we have done the best we can and we keep doing the best we can. major bad things happen on many different levels of bad. the shadow exists. i take this compassion into my life with friends, co-workers, and further into political leaders, public figures, the world. all i feel is forgiveness. i feel that christ feeling in my heart. i am not a christian, i don’t believe in an external all knowing god ruling the land or that jesus was god or anything of the abrahamic myth be it jewish, christian, catholic, islamic, none of it. my spirituality is not based on any religious myths. i believe christ is a living energy of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, and acceptance. if jesus was really alive, he was awakened, christed and he wanted us all to be awakened and christed too. god/goddess is in everything, it is the sentient oneness that lives as breath, cells, material. nothing is not god. great spirit is life itself, alive with wisdom, love, compassion, forgiveness, and magic. the shadow is what is forgotten first in the heart of the human and then forgotten in the spirit of the human. we have the power to forget and this creates the shadow. if in my shadow is the opposite of wisdom, compassion. forgiveness and unconditional love…..existing feelings of rage, isolation, blame, and despair…i bring love to these shadowy parts. i bring remembering. i bring the sacred marriage of ego to shadow and love to forgetting. it’s hard to be alone right now. how much i want to be held and supported by a man by my side, i admit. but that is not the reality right now, so i find refuge in spirit. i am being held by spirit. i am calling on spirit to hold my mom, sisters, dad, and my entire family. this is life. i am brining love to the moment. love is my strength….
male allies are so healing. thank you to the friend who kool-aids. liberation is at hand. i am talking cryptic because i have to but just know that synthesis between shadow and ego is occurring. first i had to get trapped in the solution-less problem so that ego could humble and turn inward. ego had to stop trying to manifest, solve, fix, and do. ego needed to wade through the mucky goo of the underworld. ego had to stop deluding herself by living in fantasy too. all sorts of surrendering and giving up an addiction to a specific mind-set left the ego. did you know that the brain cannot really tell the difference between physical-reality and imagination-reality? fantasy-reality can become more nourishing than the physical-reality and this is why computer-reality can feel so nourishing too. the wafting away from earth into more ethereal, imaginative, and mental realms is avoidance when knocked off balance. avoidance becomes hard wired at a young age when traumatic events send the little brain of a child into a safe la-la land while the painful out-of-control things happen in the physical experience. trauma knocks the human off balance. i am synthesizing two disparate aspects that lost connection due to trauma in my own life. shadow and ego are synthesizing. i am not giving more weight or clout to one side or the other. i am not devaluing shadow or ego either. i don’t know what it’s gonna look like because this is not a solution with an outcome in mind. this is a synthesis between two sentient life forces having their love affair inside of me. deeper than that lives me the glow worm radiating electric blue light forever. glow-worms don’t get caught up in all the sentient aspects and their stories yet glow worms create these sentient beings and their stories. divine paradox is. i realize i am experiencing a high contrast of shadow and light right now because that’s the tension needed to break the chrysalis so that the butterfly may crawl out a new being that can fly. do i dare?
i can’t stop listening to “slide” by the goo-goo dolls right now. over and over and over (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7). i love this song so much, i love the video. i know it’s about a young couple deciding whether to have an abortion or get married, yet in my heart it’s about other things. it’s about secure attachment singing his love song to avoidant attachment. it’s about true love cracking into a mirror. my longing is satiated. the pent up energy finds an outlet out of this body. i can feel my animal nature heating up, wanting to sink my teeth into something luminous and raw. he came to me in the car, maharaji, my guru. i feel silly saying it cause i don’t have “a guru” or anything like it…it’s more a term of endearment cuz he comes to me when i call as he promises when he says once you take his hand, he will never let go. i take his hand and he turns my demons into innocent children. divine feminine takes the hand of divine masculine. the monster in me, the humiliated and decrepit. the forsaken savage and ragged doll little girl. she avoids, she avoids, she avoids. like meg in the goo goo dolls video. she lives outside of this world. the story of where she comes from is not false. not all dreams are flaws. put your arms around me, what you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful. we are not our thoughts and so why even use quotes? can we peel language off of the person who speaks it? when he sings it i slide into his room and run away run away run away. i needed this spew. felt it coming. i am submerged deep beneath logic and it’s scary here, to say the least. i don’t fear the fear cause i know how to make friends with the slow below violent darkness. the real darkness. the muted beckoning of the single celled bacteria crawling along longingly on the ocean floor. i am a bottom feeder. an electric eel. i make the human brain seem like something you can peel. i am nothing at all. you know what i wish i could do? paint this ocean in my head on a huge wall in a basement with music blasting. manifest! how will i write my papers from this surreal place? i open myself to new ways. it’s crazy what can happen when you stop identifying with who you are. try it. don’t identify with your thoughts, moods, feelings, or beliefs for one day. watch them all flare like young and dumb partiers, like addicts, like beggers, like kings and queens, like sluts and creeps, like upstanding citizens, like doctors and priests, like success, failure, life, death, true love broken and complete. watch your fireworks light up slick black endless pieces of nothing that fall. we are vast and i wanna wake up where you are. break the old kingdom into pieces through my crystal ball. make a new one….
yesterday the energy shifted. i was scholastically productive by day and by night i sang karaoke on a stage. this was a huge fear facing. not too long ago i sang in one of those private rooms with my cohort-mates and that took a lot of courage. last night was next level. my friends went up on the little stage with me too. on many of songs i sang lead much of the time. when my voice sucked i did not mind and when my voice sounded good, i felt happy. it was the most fun i have had in a long time. we went to greenwood. i wanted to check out that district to see about moving up there. felt pretty decent. like old seattle. i sure do miss old seattle. i could see myself living in that hood. time will tell. felt great to get off the hill and felt great to be on it. at the bar we were in before hand, on the hill for dinner, two men were communicating with their hands because both are deaf and mute. my friend knew them from the 8 bus and she loves them. i fell in love with them too. how did they find one another? to watch them communicating by signing hand on hand was beautiful. the bartender helped them get into a cab when they left. i asked him how he communicates with them. he said one guy hears a little and he knows some sign language. what a boon. serendipity is real. i feel like this week has been poetic and sweet, reminding me of the magic of life.
i know it’s easter and passover for those who are into the abrahamic religions. i asked my friends what their relationship is with christianity last night and both their answers were powerful to listen to. i am not a religious person on any level, not abrahamic or pagan. i do feel christ consciousness as a very real archetype and a real being of the universe. to me, christ is inside of us all if we tap into it. christ is the energy of unconditional love, acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. i tap into christ within me every day. i don’t believe jesus is god or god is some external being ruling everything. i don’t believe in an external place called heaven or hell. i don’t believe in a messiah or anyone who will come to save us. i see the christian myth as what is being acted out by humanity. humanity has killed the aspect within our psyches of unconditional love and until we resurrect this aspect within ourselves, this world will continue to worship money, status, power, and all the temporary things. the death of jesus is the death of our ability to truly take care of one another and live a life of love in action. the resurrection of christ is our collective transformation back into love and when we do this, we will save ourselves. at the same time, spiritual beings help us…
god/goddess/allthatis/source/spirit is available to take our suffering and pain if we are available to let go of it. angels are here to help. light beings are here to help. we have so much help and support from great beings such as jesus among others who have been human and many who have never been human. we always have help from spirit itself, living inside of us, as us, all around us, in and as everything. i call upon my helpers and spirit every single day. i am spiritual to the core but just not into religion. we all have our paths. so long as your god is not marginalizing and casting people out for who they are, i am cool with what you believe. the only religions i am uncool with are the fundamentalist versions. no, men should not be head of the house hold. no, being gay is not a sin. when i get angry at these rules and how they harm others i look within myself, as jung would do, to see where i may hold fundamentalist beliefs about myself. here are a few: i need to be thinner to be romantically loved. having a big tummy is bad. i am working on dissolving all of my rigid beliefs that marginalize love in a way shape or form within me. i own my own hatred and disgust. i know feeling hatred and disgust are just human emotions. i am loving the shadow. this is my tenacious protocol. my practice.
i am also not into casting spells. i would not consider myself a witch by any means, though i have been called one many times. i don’t resonate with any version of religious type casting. the closest thing i can call myself is a multidimensional being of light. this does not mean i don’t have a shadow. i have a shadow in this third and even in the fourth dimensional realms. but the moment i find myself in the fifth dimension and further layers outward (or inward, depending on your structural model), the shadow vanishes and duality is not a thing. i honor duality and the third/fourth dimensional realms. i know a lot of new age doctrine is resistant and all about rising above duality, but to me this is the same as focusing only on heaven or like in the eastern mystic way, transcending form and returning to brahma or nirvana. some are on this path, i don’t knock it. my path is to bless the here and now, to fully incarnate in the here and now, to understand the here and now, and to bring the upper/outer/inner dimensions of light to the here and now, both shadow and light sides. i guess i know what i am doing on the deeper levels. it’s knowing what district to live in and what to eat for lunch that’s much harder to figure out.
excited to be getting out of dodge today. i need more of this. more out of dodgeness. more nature, water, trees, expanse. this time, the water and art calls. the island life. i keep procrastinating school work. still cannot get my being and mind to focus. i feel like it’s the end of the world lately. i keep telling myself to fully enjoy before it’s gone. maybe it’s the heat rising in the collective unconscious of this country or maybe something will happen. i don’t know. seize the day just keeps seizing me. it was so great to hang with her last evening and listen to her speak. how much comfort is found in another who thinks the same thoughts. to not have somebody try to turn the tragic frown upside down. to validate the pain. to validate the way the world is, the target membership, and how shallow and fickle people can be without somebody arguing that that perspective is wrong. to not minimize, marginalize, or ignore the shadow side. i find great relief in being truthful, pragmatic, and real. i squirm inside of conversations that are uncomfortable with the shadow side of life to the point where everything turns into some self help new age riff. maybe this is why i always ran like hell from the new age community and why sometimes i find more sanctuary in a psychological perspective. i feel lucky to know so many shadow working priestesses who know what’s up in the new age world. not only shadow working but also critical thinking witches. putting more moonstone on my wrist, as well as rose, vanilla, and vetiver to delve into the beauty of life. moon love. feminine soaking. dreamed very strange last night. in the dream i was working for a cooperation that ran everything in the world, called evol (not kidding). they sent us to do everything. one day i was working on a movie production and the next day i was working the retail floor of a department store. well, the president of evol called me and she said, “i need you to wear shorter sleeves, can you do that for me?” i said back to her, “with what money do i buy these shorter sleeves? i don’t have the money and no, i won’t do it,” which brought silence over the phone. i said, “i am taking this silence to mean you are firing me,” and she said, “yes, you are fired.” i hung up the phone filled with a strong feeling i did the right thing as i got on the subway. the subway said they were running a test and needed to do a fast sudden stop. it scared all the people but it did not scare me. this is all i remember. very bizarre and comical. i felt happy last night after hanging out with my friend. listened to music on my headphones and felt passionate like i felt as a teenager when listening to music. discovered how much i love the band kean. something is changing inside me. percolations that make no sense are bubbling through my system. old neural pathways are gated and new ones are blossoming. the persevering warrior making change happen despite every temptation to stop the process is colliding with some form of child like exuberance. you could say it’s nothing more than spring time, but spring time is not to be minimized because spring brings rebirth. i would like to say i feel love coming….but hesitate. oh what the hell, i feel love coming…
got things planned over the next two weekends that are fun. fun? wow, it’s been so long. spring is really here, i think. deep levels of healing are occurring in the form of love. moving forward is becoming more natural and less forced. life is starting to feel like it’s flowing and not so much of a constant uphill climb. ahhhhh. a bit of reprieve. last night i was so tired i fell asleep before nine. faced some dragons yesterday but it’s beginning to feel natural to do that too. not so hard. just feel the feeling without resistance, whatever it is. just watch the thoughts try to seize your heart but don’t let the thoughts in that deep. instead track the thoughts all the way back to their core schema inside and instead, go directly to the hurt child that became the shadow by being forgotten. give love this hurt child. the child will then dissolve back into the wholeness of the adult. it’s the same every time though the stories need different things. some stories need to become novels. some stories need to be told to a certain person. some stories need to be whispered to the night sky. some stories need to be painted. some stories need to be sung into a crowd. the stories, they have needs. our stories wish to be witnessed, acknowledged, and loved too. i am becoming crystal clear on how this process works in it’s most efficient form from the lab of my inner researcher, and i am also just letting it flow and become art as an artist. round and round and round i go. death will come when she wants and nobody knows. until then, i live. this morning i like life a lot. i got my moon flow and feeling upbeat. refreshing. maybe i will do things differently today. like, take a walk some place new in the morning. i dunno. i just feel like doing things different. i feel different. maybe it’s the rose quartz that entered my life yesterday. maybe it’s remembering a forgotten story from my youth. who cares why.