at the airport on the other side of this tummy flu, a million deep dreams, family, so much rest, overwhelm, detachment, i don’t even know. swirls. compensating dreams of low self worth, not being picked, not being heard, over and over, bubbling up like toxic champagne from the unconscious deep and i swear it felt like a deep cleaning. this shit is ingrained. loyalty to the old kingdom is powerful and you can’t change the world until you change yourself. being back in my family of origin home after steeping neck deep in family systems self work for the past chunk of months really took me there. i see so clear the tendencies and feel so strong the love. it hurts so much cause i care. there is no getting over the self in the west, so get over getting over it. our individual inner selves cannot just be banked on a shelf. though if you have a different experience, wonderful. still ultra-sensitive to not being a filled cup of i know and let me tell you. glow worm’s adolescence inside of me makes this true in the way teenagers feel it. with passion. with passion i allow for a variety of knowledge. the only thing i stand true on is equality for all people and love. just like a dirty hippie. i say dirty hippie cause of some meme i saw on facebook about it today and it made me think of how we insult identities to avoid the issues the identities wrap around. like focusing on the dirtiness of a hippie’s identity versus how a hippie stands for love. or focusing on a vegan’s self righteous identity versus that resistance they stand for against animal cruelty. on and on. prejudice of skin, sex, gender, religion is also identity based. so much sickness attached to identity. not that not having identity is any better. collective identity is still identity nonetheless. humans are a real mess. i smell buttered pretzels and feel the saltiness of virginia land about to leave me. take me home to the mothership. back to cold rainy solitude. each moment is another interpretation. it’s confusing but my intuition is not confused, only logic. intuition says this is all meant to be and sorry if this sounds like white girl spirituality. maybe it really does. maybe i am enacting a cultural dominant spiritual paradigm. maybe my intuition is really a biological safety net built in to help me survive and evolutionary psychologists are right. maybe astrology is delusion and the only reason it makes sense to my soul is cause of delusional hunger to know. no. i know. i do know what i know in intuition. i can only empty out certain things for so long. what i know i know: i am the dream of stars, my soul chose to be here specifically as michelle in this life, i am not on the karmic wheel of life, death, and rebirth, i will not be here again after i die as human but stay as a spiritual being to help, mu is a myth i must tell and make it artistic, neptune and mercury are my best friends, the dead would give so much to be here but they will be anyways. i don’t want to say anymore. ahhhhhhhhh, how good it feels to let that out, like farting, pooping, having sex, or eating a super ripe peach on a hot summer day. i need a fucking break from the mind metabolizing the scary shadow on the rise. but there is no break, only complementarity. like a mommy and daddy i have my two complimenting sides cause i am libra lunar on a ride to balance polarities. does this mean? yes, ok, you can have a say too. who? not logic. not intuition. who? the eagle part, great spirit. ok, great spirit, your turn, what do you know? i know these are all stories and perceptions and when they all fall away what is remaining is the is-ing is of is-ness is-ing, and this is-ness is love. the end. (no end)………on and on……
my sisters are here. the five of us all together. i feel held in our dna soup and it’s fortifying, nourishing. i feel blessed by the love we share as a family, despite our distance, and me being the proverbial black sheep. doesn’t matter anymore, stuff like that. what matters now is this limited time only we call each other family. it’s interesting, the peace i feel being in proximity to my shared dna. literally, the cells of my body know i am in “my pack” and chill. a week off from all the heady thoughts and complex situations. desert expansion. jupiter just went into libra, so it’s moving across my five planets in libra, eighth house. venus, mars, moon, pluto, uranus, all getting a dose of positive energy. i am feeling it. sure there are massive tidal waves of insecurity and self doubt coursing through. and yes, pluto is knocking to my knees intermittently too. three modes are happening. the expansion of self, letting go of old identity. the loss of what is important to me, transformation through grief. the battle with my demons wanting to take me down. never a dull moment. my demons….oh my demons. they love to open the escape hatch and seduce with peace. i could leave at any time, they whisper. who needs such a limited reality anyway, the snarky one says, smoking a cigarette with his bowler hat tipped. i remember back in 2001, a lucid dream and astral travel experience. i was being taught how to remove demons. they kept showing up in various ways. inside of radios. inside of children even. i wandered into a government building, closed, cause it was night. the large beige room was packed with the dead who had not crossed over. trapped dead. suddenly three demons in bowler hats appeared. three twins. i will never forget that image. i opened the main door and there stood sara, with her eyes closed, unaware she was asleep and wandering into my astral journey. feeling protective over her, i told her to leave. i remember waking up from that experience totally blown away. i knew right then and there that life was but a dream. i felt it. i remember walking to jessica’s house to feed her cats while she was away. on that walk i was not sure if i had totally awoken, but i knew i had in my left brain. i feel as i enter the realm of academia, a deeper need to hold on to my metaphysical roots. i know i cannot use the language that makes the most sense to me, or learn in a way that makes the most sense to me. pluto says i must surrender to western learning and language, hence my impetus to clutch to my roots. a natural urge that something is trying to rob me of my truth flares. old lemurian wounds. this is why i identity too much with the wounding i carry. because i remember the same wounds from this life all the way back to lemuria. it’s too much, man. too much. but i can choose to not identify. a subtle yet profound difference. to feel without identifying is the magic as i step onto foreign land as well. always mastering something. then death will come. but the journey continues long after that. i am no existentialist. i remember the future and it just keeps on going…
i’m writing this blog at night, how weird is that? i feel turned upside down like the hanged man but i don’t feel desolate anymore. an ally came to visit and i got to go back home with him for a night and day. my pantheon brother from the same planetary mother, how much i love K. we go to a place together where we are free of taking anything personally and we analyze our thoughts, actions, and contemplations about ourselves and all of life. while doing this we also take characters on, just for fun. last night i was Doc Nite. Doc is a woman who likes to dress like a man, not a woman who wants to be a man. Doc never feels two ways about anything. he always knows just what he wants. he is very calm, loyal, and particular. oh it was so much fun to be Doc last night on the town hashing out our inner worlds, being mirrors and guides. i know he will watch me die in this life. had a vision once. could be wrong but i don’t care about being right. i knew i needed to get to the water today and K made is happen real easy. he rented a car and we drove to the east side. every time i am in a car and we hit lake washington, i get an instant feeling of extreme relief. ahhhh, i usually say anytime i cross that bridge, but only from seattle to the east side. on the way home it’s more a feeling of entering back onto the mother ship. to me, seattle feels like a ship while the east side feels like land. secure. safe. but some parts also feel empty (the sun always casts a shadow). first we went to a park in bellevue. K took a swim but i am mooning and wanted to remain dry. needed to read for school so it worked out great. i read in the grass among the bees, under a birch tree. i love birch trees. maybe the most. they are gentle and magical trees. put my feet in the fishy smelling water and could tell it wasn’t pristine but that’s all of us anyhow. i wanted to take off all my clothes and submerge. i want to do this in a pristine lake. i want to do this every morning first thing. that would be profound. after the park we went to downtown kirkland on a whim. that’s where it felt empty to me. pretty but empty. white privilege was a huge topic this trip and downtown kirkland exemplifies. now that i am reading the life changing book, “sitting in the fire” i feel able to see more clearly how white privilege operates in me and also how to love all the human hearts, no matter what side of the fence we are born into. to love us all while also recognizing i have the privilege to feel this sentiment because i don’t have to fight my way through daily external messages that i am not loved. both/and. so much learning right now and i realize that action is needed in every moment and this luxury of time is my privilege too. my heart is bursting through old casings. too much to write about here. i am feeling very jack kerouac right now but without the drugs. free flowing fire tapping these neon green keys. Doc Nite coming at you (you’ll be reading more from me later). being Doc, reading books, learning, driving back and forth over water, this is how i am spending my time now, flipped upside down, dangling by my toes with my head toward the ground. i am tired of staring at pebbles while wishing to be released. K snapped me out of an arrival-illusion mindset. you know how that goes…you find yourself always working for tomorrow and forget to appreciate today. chasing happiness like a dangling carrot, part of the circular and competitive drift of this this cult/ure vulture feeding on the death of your dreams, yo. anyhow, gotta let go of that story because it’s getting old… and tired. let me instead listen to the wisdom of the elders, which is timeless…
yoda what say you?
you are your breath. breath is not part of the body, it is what makes the body come alive. breath is who you are, feel yourself breathe…
the full moon is commencing tonight in my blood and feelings even thought the full swell is not exalted until 11:30 pm tomorrow. the full moon is about full inner illumination flushing out what no longer serves the path you are on…and this time she is wearing the sign of aquarius, which is ruled by uranus. the metaphor of this full moon is the lightning strike.
are you ready?
had a wonderful time and powerful conversation with a cohort friend last night. he helped me a lot. i realized the mountain size narrative i was creating surrounding fear and replaced it with a molehill size story. realized again how i connect whatever is happening to me, to the largest universe-sized myth available in my psyche. the fear i feel connects all the way back to the fall of equality in a previous yuga and how much it still hurts to remember this fall. honor the story and also, don’t refer to it when needing to take goat-sized steps up a rocky and scary part of the mountain. the ill effects of feeling oneness is how narratives can grow too large to tackle when small daily tasks come into play. but anyway. burning palo santo in the hot sun soaked apartment i call home, we hashed out so much that i felt at peace in my heart when he left. i have not felt at peace in a week. feels good. worked all day in the air conditioning previous to dinner. a vajra friend pulled up my chart and showed me pluto raining all over my north node. he will be raining on my life purpose until 2021. this is why i am going through this. it’s pluto’s influence. i am going to become best friends with pluto for the next five years as a result because this relationship requires complete surrender. maybe i will tattoo the yoda line, “train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose” onto my left thigh. always in training. i feel chummy with saturn now. i like my routine, accept limitation, embrace seriousness, i am climbing my walls of fate, and i know how to husband my flock of inner aspects. now…it is pluto’s turn. gulp. the movie i am writing my paper on this semester is helpful, as it is about loss. pluto is all about loss, surrender, power, death, and rebirth. the amount of suffering pluto initiates is dependent on the ability to surrender. i am gonna get real good at surrendering because i have suffered enough and transcended suffering in my psyche. we are all one, this is where the narrative becomes useful. no matter where i am, who i am, what is happening, we are all one. pluto is the ruling planet of my sun. i experienced loss early on, not in the form of a loved one, but in the form of…no, i don’t want to talk about it here.
crazy dreams. maybe stirred by part of the convo from last night about not feeling hatred for even the most cruel characters like hitler. the way i feel is that i know no person comes out of the womb wanting to be cruel. i feel people are inherently good. i don’t believe in evil. i know evil exists as a human invention and a word created to label what it so horrific it needs its own term. i don’t believe it exists in nature outside of human nature. this is just how it feels to me. i know the more scientific or buddhist thing to believe is that humans are born neutral, not inherently good or bad so to speak, but my intuition feels very differently. humans have the capacity to commit evil acts, yes, but i don’t believe evil is an inherent trait that causes causes actions. i feel that contextually, evil acts arise from humans due to chemicals firing off in just the right way to give them the ability to do such harm. i dreamed last night that i was an actress in a play being put on about hitler’s rise to tyranny. the play was a comedy but also a keen psychological study on how a insecure man turned into a tyrant that committed the most evil acts possible. i know the level of compassion i feel for all humans and the desire i have to psychologically address evil might trigger people, piss people off, etc. this is ok. i am learning to sit in the fire. what a strange dream. i don’t even know what to say. it disoriented me. in part of the dream i was coming home from rehearsal into a three story townhouse. a friend was mad at me on the second level. it might of been cause i was involved in the play. the friend sitting on the third floor wanted to see my stone collection. there was a kitchen up top with two fridges. i had to move one fridge into the doorway for the play (dream logic) and suddenly everything changed. was i suddenly jew in nazi territory? not sure. i woke up. it’s that moment when everything changes. when innocence turns to violation. i know this sudden change well. the dream brought this feeling back into my conscious awareness. the feeling of loss accompanies. loss of sovereignty over self. loss of innocence. loss of protection. loss of power. hello pluto. i feel haunted by this feeling but i don’t have time to explore it fully today. if i was a research psychologist i would research what happens in the body and psyche the moment innocence is lost through violation. that’s all i have to say about this plutonian topic for now. too much on the plate in my mind. too much. oh wait, one last thing i don’t wanna forget from yesterday: it’s all about translating priestess language into psychologist language. jung did it, and so can i…
another hot sunny morning and insomnia soaked night. i did dream metaphors. one dream: mom and i in my apartment. suddenly i see the city scape outside my window blowing up. “look mom,” i say as we stare out the window in bewilderment. next thing i know it is storming and lightning with entrancing beauty and frightening intensity. the water is rising up to my third story window. my mom is staring out the window peacefully quiet, ready to meet our death by drowning. i recognize her state of being and wonder if i feel the same way, i am caught between wanting to make us run or remain there, allowing the water to engulf us. end dream. is this my nervous system speaking to me as the fight or flight response? the water represents my unconscious feelings rising to consciousness, causing me to want to run away or face impending death. as i mention a lot, my dreams predict the future and usually the very near future. i know now that an experience of impending death is coming. my mother in the dream…hmmm…letting my free flow writing uncover why her in the dream. she was peaceful but also resigned too. maybe my mom represents my inner mother who has found peace through my spiritual practice and knows how to stay calm through transformations? the resigned part, i feel that in me too, i feel the loss of an old dream that i intentionally let go of. at first i let go of this dream for pragmatic reasons, but the further i move into my new life dream, the more i realize that this lifetime is about being on the path of service, and not to live for my own success. maybe that’s the decimation of the city. the city represents ego. water is nature. i am allowing myself, through a death journey, to become the person of service my soul has always been called to be. not that i have not been already. i have been of service for many years now as a healer, but i’ve always felt reluctant. the reluctance is the wounded healer archetype that wished to escape. perhaps the wounded healer is really going through a death and becoming the healed healer. i find it interesting how some parts of self die completely, while other aspects always live. for instance, i will always live with a certain sorrow in my heart for experiences i went through that stole my childhood. i have learned to give compassion and acceptance for this beautiful sorrow that is pertinent and sacred to my life story. i honor tragedy because to try to sugar coat feels fraudulent. yet the escapist aspect of me is slowly dying, in increments, throughout my healing process. i feel this dream might portend the final layer. i have reached the core, hence my mom being in the dream. she is how i came into this world. the beginning. i also find it interesting how i feel grief for dying parts of self, even the aspects that don’t serve my purpose. the shadow is just as much love as the light. my old coping mechanisms have been a fortress, a real home. it’s sad to say goodbye to a long term home, even if it was like a prison. this studio i have lived in, that is a significant part of the dream. i’ve lived here five years, the longest i have lived anywhere in my whole life, as my parents moved houses about every four or five years. this is also the apartment i moved into when i came back from new york city with a dedication in my heart to leave behind the egocentric ambition of finding success in the art world for a path of service. i am not saying all successful artists are egocentric by any means. i only mean the journey of “trying to make it” in this world as an artist felt wrong to me and was draining my life force. i feel blessed to have had it so hard in terms of popularity, for it focused me on this path i am on now, which is meant to be. i can feel it. i am still an artist, always will be and i am happy to sell my paintings and books. it’s not about that, it’s about using my life force to make money and gain popularity for my work that felt off. i don’t have the constitution for it and that’s what did not feel right. i cannot ignore the path of service calling, for it is my soul. this path of service is not about following my bliss, it is about following my deepest inner knowing. this lifetime for me is not about bliss only. it is about healing, wisdom, love, and creativity. everything i paint and write ties into healing. my life as an artist is rooted in my healing process. i started writing and painting as a tween because i was suffering and needed an outlet. the moment i put pen to paper and brush to canvas, i felt relief, inspiration, wisdom, and happiness. creativity is my bliss, i suppose. how i use it is the learning. the integration process is mysterious. suddenly remembering the first lines of the first poem i wrote when i was eleven: “life is a mystery without a clue, each brand new day, it holds something new. there are many knots of happiness and pain. there are many tears of hope and shame.”
i need to talk about my dreams. last night: i am driving a speeding car with breaks that wont work. my sister is in the passenger seat. highway and lots of traffic and i am steering the car round huge turns thinking for sure i will kill us because the breaks wont work as i push on them with all of my strength. my sister is calm and tells me to just breathe, and so i do. no crashing happens. another part:grandparents on mother’s side come to visit. have not seen them in my dreams before, maybe ever. they are ignoring me and i feel hurt. can’t recall what happens next. next thing i am balling my eyes out on the floor, sobbing to my friend, “i miss my grandma.” the night before: i am shown a tree growing strong but planted in metal on the ground, like what you would see downtown, with trees growing along city sidewalks. the metal thing looked like a wheel with spokes, not a planter, just in the ground, like a sidewalk type of ground. i was told by the voice of wisdom that this is my totem.
the break down: my sister is tough and fiery, the opposite of me who is sensitive and watery. as i make all of these big life changes i feel like i am driving a car out of control, i cannot stop it, cannot turn back around. it’s a metaphor for learning how to be tough and fiery and to keep moving forward. the grandparents one is weird. i was not close to my grandma at all, and she passed when i was seven. my grandfather is a shadow figure in my past, the root of much pain. i get the feeling this dream is talking about something systemic and genetically relevant in my psyche, but not sure what. in the dream i felt no pain toward my grandfather. i only wished they were paying attention to me. maybe i need to pay attention to that level of the psyche of my bloodline? the tree dream, holy cow. i love when i have voice of wisdom dreams. and to have a totem dream, that’s a treasure! what a totem to have. it blends city and nature, which is me. i am a city soul to the core, but i am also completely connected to earth. i also feel this totem to mean that i must comply with society. the metal grid felt like compliance, but it was also a cool design, artistic. this totem is about integration.
i definitely feel my psyche processing much more than the mind can handle. i feel my cells speak to me through the metaphors of my dreaming. i feel a reorientation happening. from being obsessed with my relationship with the planets and cosmos to being obsessed with my bloodline, i feel a switch in focus. i have spent many years orienting myself as a sovereign being larger than my bloodline and larger than this life. completion has happened. time to let it rest. i am interested right now in the smaller picture. or rather, the big picture of the smaller picture. not my soul in the universe, but my soul in this bloodline. not my multidimensional light being self, my human being as michelle self. i am ready to explore deeper. i have dug a lot out already, but what i have not unearthed yet is a deeper mystery, an older relic. i can feel it waiting for me in the soil. it’s about this body.
blog is long because so much needs to come out of me this morning. moon in scorpio deep thoughts. purple skin for my computer keys is no longer working, i had to rip it off in frustration. need a new color, i think yellow. or green? yellow because it is time to awaken my analytical mind again after many months being in the purple deep spirit place, preparing for yellow. i sense the future strong like coffee this morning. i sense a move and i don’t know if it involves leaving the urban sprawl or not. i sense an internship but i don’t know if it will be where i am attached to, or some place i don’t see coming in my desire. i don’t sense a partnership at all, but the focus is taken off of him, so maybe that is why. in the past few months i have done so much healing around self worth, that i no longer crave with blinded eyes. i am not craving emotional immaturity, i am not wanting to play games, i don’t need distance anymore. i don’t need to be avoidant or ambivalent behind some story of denial. i would not say i am super confident by any means. i feel more vulnerable than confident. i feel raw and willing to be afraid and let love all the way in. maybe this is why my desire and radar is on vacation.
i went to a concert at the neptune with a friend last night and i really felt a change in my identity, being there. it’s strange to become new. the last time i became this new was in 1995. who i was before 1995 would be unrecognizable to those who know me now. some people transform drastically, i am one of them. i feel this happening again right now. anyhow, i was thinking last night about how i want things to be fixed. i crave security. life long true love. published novels. a solid career. my ambitions seek roots and long lasting life span. at the same time, who is to say who i will be in the future? room for transformation, can it live inside of long-lasting ambition? can i be with a man as my true love for life and still have us both be open to it ending at any time if the love changes for one of us? can i sink into a career knowing i might stop doing the work completely at some point? sure, why not! death is coming and can happen any day. life is such a short ride. i feel i want to be able to hold and and let go at the same time, at all times. i want to root with a partner, in community, through career… and also know my real root is within.
everything happening on the outside is temporal and illusion by nature. i honor the sacred and valuable, rich and precious illusion. i honor the animal body and this blood life. i also honor the spirit i deeply feel, the oneness i deeply feel, and the larger than this life experience i have always felt, since i was little.
yesterday oh yesterday, how i dove into emotional extremes and watched the polarization of my mind and heart from the buddhist core of my soul. after waking up from the revelation dream yesterday, feeling grounded and sure, i catapulted into the opposite. the pulled muscle made yoga so gentle it was hardly a practice. i got real tired. the energies felt off. little things. blender breaking. dropping stuff. feeling off kilter. by noon i was filled with self doubt for the path i am taking. fear gripped my heart in a choke hold. total panic. i just watched with love my insides trash, wishing to be all alone, anonymous, not having to do any of it, free from responsibility, free from this particular life. familiar as the freckles on my skin is the desire to flee and live in exile. i rested for a while to calm my nervous system. went to the cafe before work and wrote it out, gave fear a voice. read the declaration of independence oddly, translating it toward the psychological process. oh psychology i am sick of you! oh healing and spirituality and everything mental and conceptual, narrative and meaning-making, i am sick of you! i am craving exile from my own mind! i just watched. went to work. slow day that slowly brought some innocence and goofiness back to my being. made a jasmine, rose, lime, lavender essential oil spray. medicine. walked around the block in the heat real slow, feeling the pulled muscle with every step. came home after work and lost myself happily in “orange is the new black,” until sleep took hold. fell to sleep listening to a binaural beats heart chakra cleansing. feeling it this morning. the pulled muscle is back to normal. no pain. storm has passed. feeling calm again. still not confident or sure of myself but peace has returned, the desire to run is sedated. this is the opposite of old me who ran every year. exile queen. quitting master. undetected. now i am detectable and walking into what i resist with fire feet and mountain eyes. i am a salmon swimming upstream into my own underworld river. my heart is a sea large enough to transmute all poison. darn, why the seriousness? she said my tummy, which is large like the full moon right now, is filled the feelings i have taken in from the world. everyone tries to give me tools and advice on how to empath without it harming me. why does it never work? what’s the missing link? twenty years of this already. what say you belly? “stop trying to fix me,” is all i hear. true that. maybe i simply accept the large moon like belly when i take in the fear of the world. shaman belly. love belly. belly that holds hell with love, churning it like butter into heaven. magical belly. belly of power. nectar belly. sage gave me an idea to paint chaos soup. duh. i need to paint chaos soup! why do i always forget when the belly is holding the hell of the world, to paint! it’s not a solution, as we know how annoying and disregarding solutions are. it is a voice. belly needs a voice. i am gonna give it to her.