in the midst of chaos…

i am seeing my narrative so strong. last night it showed me her face in the light of the dark throng i was thrust into from looking at an apartment in bellevue. it’s too much and too personal to put into blog, but i can say cryptically: when all you have known is one world, it is very difficult to get yourself into a new world. when all you have known is one author, how to do you hire a new one? when you were born into a certain shadow that never lifted, how do you bring yourself to the light? well, that last part i know. i know i am doing it. being human is humbling. you can work on yourself for years on end and puff up with attachment to the progress you have made only to slink back into where you started from years ago, in one night, just because you are not getting what you want on the outside. meaning: who are you when you don’t get what you want in life? i dive from hot pool to cold pool. from pleasure to pain. from a spiritual practice to psychological awareness. from reaction to response. from grace to ooze. i am a master acrobat, tumbling toward death. aren’t we all? breaking up the old pattern by having a friend stay with me a little, by looking at apartments by malls, by dancing. i miss dancing already. in my perfect world i am dancing all the time. i am on fire inside. i want more music, more dancing, more art, more freedom to express this crazy life. i embrace my desire. reading jung is like reading alice like reading emerson like reading anais like reading henry like reading the light and reading the love. it’s not as hard as i am making it but the serious deep mind is how they are too and meant to be. no design flaw. i am steeping in the polar opposites of psychoanalysis and narrative therapy. the former shows me the tricks i play on myself. the latter is honor given to the creature whose despair was created by relationships and in the relational field, not from within. you don’t want to locate the problem within when it is in the relational field that wounds were created. what you wanna locate within is the way the psyche digests the wound and embodies it, and work on that. still trippin on her insight that i identify with the wounds i carry and seeing it come to light. of course i call myself the shadow of the shadow i fell into too young to remember the age that became a life long series of painful experiences that have not turned into light yet. like turning over a steak on the grill. that meat was killed with cruelty and you eat it like it’s delicious and nothing else. if that doesn’t prove how powerful the mind is…well then. my mind is rich. when i said to him in the car it is about relationships, i knew it so sharp and clear, as if i knew my psyche would steer me right into a factory farm afterward. there i was, being beaten by an angry worker, a mere cow to be turned into death and a hamburger. this is how dark a scorpio can go. my narrative is spiced with demons. i am not afraid of these inclinations. what scares me are those who only want victory and light. who only can handle smiles and the kiddy pool. but i gotta have my time in the sun too. psychotherapy can turn to poison in an instant. it is not in the head we heal, it is in the head we clarify. in the heart we understand. the healing is in the body. my body is so tired. i got an emotional hangover this morning. many tears. all brought upon by looking at this apartment in bellevue. all brought upon by a dark narrative that i am being ripped away from my home and plunked into a foreign land. it’s gotta feel right and when it doesn’t chaos is molting the old personality still. right now i cannot comprehend if my narrative is creating my reality or my reality is creating my narrative. sometimes direction scrambles. everybody is going ballistic with the election too. i am not astonished. why do i accept the utter terror of who is ruling this land and yet am still shocked by my own darkness? more jung. read more jung. not in a simple mind-set i am. not in an easy to solve mode. not a tadpole squirming in a puddle. give me complicated, deep, messy, all encompassing, rich complex heady love. this is who i am and how i roll and pretty soon this stone will turn to dust….

full moon babbling…

my back is feeling better for the most part, but i am gonna stay off the yoga a few more days and not reactivate the pain. yesterday a friend drove me around bellevue and kirkland to look for a new home. i felt a combination of comfort and sadness out there. i love the spaciousness, trees, and peace. i don’t love the strip mall thing. i don’t like the idea of being single in suburbia either. not without a car to escape in every weekend. coming back to the hill felt good. but i know change is hard. i also know sacrifice is real. i remain open. was supposed to go on a date but he cancelled saying he was too conservative for me. i respect that and i still felt disappointed cause we talked for three hours on the phone and that is rare for me. i hate the phone. people make and break connections all the time though. he is probably right. you gotta trust your instincts. mine weren’t totally there for him either. he seemed too “all figured out” for me. i need a more emergent type. it’s interesting when you feel a little but not a lot of attraction. some people let it grow, some people let it go. i think it is confusing, romantic love. how many times i have gotten into the wrong relationship due to attraction. well, just about every time. relationships require so much more than attraction. not only that, but compatible attraction is a thing too. friendship match and romantic-sexual match are the two roots for me. fear of intimacy leads people to seek out objects without realizing it, in partners. i don’t care about a pretty boy with nice things. it’s about connection not looks and stuff. i am seeking my best friend, not a war parter who makes me feel small when i need something and doesn’t know i am on his side when we face conflict. anyhow, i am staying hopeful even though it’s been a romantic shit show for the longest time. if it isn’t letting go of love cause it’s one sided, it’s bad or cancelled dates. if it’s not bad or cancelled dates it’s monastic land. but i am not down cause i believe in love. the other thing i was thinking lately, is that i may need to be with somebody who cares about helping others as i do. not sure if i can be with somebody who is only about himself. it seems like such a mismatch. i feel like i want my romantic partnership to be a force of love that spreads into community. i don’t want to live in a vacuum. i want to expand into the people around me. big dreamer i am. my dreams are changing but the mediums remain the same: art, writing, healing. other projects are in the works too, don’t wanna talk about it here. pentacles are the suit that is alive right now. cups remain on hold. i want love now but what am i do to? i am so used to waiting. by now waiting is the norm. i have surrendered to being exactly here. my jovial mood is cause i painted last night. soon as i pick up the brush my spirits lift. i must find a new home that has room for me to paint and store my art. art must come first. it is my biggest self care thing other than yoga. no micro-studio for me. ok, this is long enough. happy full moon….

back pain lunar eclipse surrender…

i hurt my back and it’s scary. last night i woke up at midnight with it hurting, went to the bathroom and could not stand up when finished. made my way to the ground, stretched, crawled to my bed, lay in pain doing hand reflexology until i could walk to the kitchen to get advil and finally fell back asleep. woke up in this morning and it’s stiff but not doing that seizing up thing like it did last night. this happened last day in vegas, post yoga. i did not warm up enough in yoga i think. now i must rest from doing my practice for probably like a week. surrender. it’s scary to be alone when this happens. what if i cannot move and i am stuck and away from my phone? take my phone everywhere. ok. it’s scary not to do yoga for a week during this pisces lunar full moon eclipse madness. like three or four of my healer friends have all felt the same desire to leave this realm and go back home. extreme grief in deep waves. i felt it monday but haven’t since. i feel like these grief waves are mother earth sobbing. the sky is grey today. stiff back, no yoga, grey sky, waves of grief for humanity from mother earth’s soul. a lot a lot a lot. i am going to surrender into this cycle without identifying with the wounding on any level. i am not the feminine wound. i am not the wounds i carry or the wound of mother earth. what is it about pain that wants to fully encompass a human being? this back pain is refocusing me back to what is simple. i already miss my health and that’s all i want. how to make it sweet? music and art. life is scary alright. i fee the earth shifting. i feel so much. i feel like jung felt before the war. he sensed it coming. i sense something coming. but i cannot focus on it. gotta keep keeping up spirit. i remember when i broke my ankle in san francisco i was alone, and yet the city helped me. ambulance men took me to the hospital, the security guard from school took me home, cab drivers got me to doctors appointments, friends and family visited. trust. hopefully it wont get worse than this. hopefully last night was the worst of it all.

stream of metaphysical consciousness rowing gently down the dream…

my sisters are here. the five of us all together. i feel held in our dna soup and it’s fortifying, nourishing. i feel blessed by the love we share as a family, despite our distance, and me being the proverbial black sheep. doesn’t matter anymore, stuff like that. what matters now is this limited time only we call each other family. it’s interesting, the peace i feel being in proximity to my shared dna. literally, the cells of my body know i am in “my pack” and chill. a week off from all the heady thoughts and complex situations. desert expansion. jupiter just went into libra, so it’s moving across my five planets in libra, eighth house. venus, mars, moon, pluto, uranus, all getting a dose of positive energy. i am feeling it. sure there are massive tidal waves of insecurity and self doubt coursing through. and yes, pluto is knocking to my knees intermittently too. three modes are happening. the expansion of self, letting go of old identity. the loss of what is important to me, transformation through grief. the battle with my demons wanting to take me down. never a dull moment. my demons….oh my demons. they love to open the escape hatch and seduce with peace. i could leave at any time, they whisper. who needs such a limited reality anyway, the snarky one says, smoking a cigarette with his bowler hat tipped. i remember back in 2001, a lucid dream and astral travel experience. i was being taught how to remove demons. they kept showing up in various ways. inside of radios. inside of children even. i wandered into a government building, closed, cause it was night. the large beige room was packed with the dead who had not crossed over. trapped dead. suddenly three demons in bowler hats appeared. three twins. i will never forget that image. i opened the main door and there stood sara, with her eyes closed, unaware she was asleep and wandering into my astral journey. feeling protective over her, i told her to leave. i remember waking up from that experience totally blown away. i knew right then and there that life was but a dream. i felt it. i remember walking to jessica’s house to feed her cats while she was away. on that walk i was not sure if i had totally awoken, but i knew i had in my left brain. i feel as i enter the realm of academia, a deeper need to hold on to my metaphysical roots. i know i cannot use the language that makes the most sense to me, or learn in a way that makes the most sense to me. pluto says i must surrender to western learning and language, hence my impetus to clutch to my roots. a natural urge that something is trying to rob me of my truth flares. old lemurian wounds. this is why i identity too much with the wounding i carry. because i remember the same wounds from this life all the way back to lemuria. it’s too much, man. too much. but i can choose to not identify. a subtle yet profound difference. to feel without identifying is the magic as i step onto foreign land as well. always mastering something. then death will come. but the journey continues long after that. i am no existentialist. i remember the future and it just keeps on going…

babble before the plane…

leaving on a jet plane, but i know when i’ll be back again. vegas. my sisters and parents. in fact, it will be the first time the five of us are alone together under one roof since…i was maybe…eight? yesterday the intensity of my school experience simmered down emotionally and physically. slept for a solid eight hours without waking and did yoga. by the time i was showered i felt back to normal, so to speak. not in a heightened state of transformation. this pluto transit will come in waves, i realize. knowing astrology makes such a huge difference in my lived experience. if i did not know i had a three year pluto passing over my north node transit, i would feel so confused and overwhelmed about the loss and transformation pluto initiates. might think it’s bad or i am bad, the usual suspects. but knowing allows me to take the reigns and consciously use grief and loss to surrender and transform. it’s interesting to me how the transformation that is happening is so different than what my mind expected life to be. how at first i kicked and screamed, resisted, marched on the grounds, protested. and now i am allowing for this new me and new life to unfold. what power there is in letting go of a dream. of not viewing life by the same standards. no longer needing to follow bliss or listen to some agent tell me what my life should look like. how much of my ideas have come from my culture, not from within. i could write an entire novel on this right now. i never knew how powerful grad school would be. how much it would change me. everything in its own time. like, for real. if you are not ready for an opening you cannot force it. i truly understand this. same goes with love. my heart is wide open for deep intimacy no matter how scared i feel of this. had a convo with a friend about her powerful true love, long living relationship and it confirmed again how much i desire the fruits of that kind of intimacy. nothing about the surface interests me when it comes to relationships. not small talk, not impressions, not wit, not the game. i don’t want any of it. i want raw real open mysterious chaotic deep surrendered difficult intimacy. i want it till death. it’s good to know what i want. i am trying to let in the soul hungers again. thinking of my teacher alex talking about it and how important it is. i am still not balanced. still too much energy is being focused on healing, repair, seriousness. i know it. to change this i have to start to look in a new direction. even if every time i have in the past, it has not panned out gold. taking risks over and over is the key. to begin i will end this blog with a list of what my soul hungers for and allow what my soul is here to do (her mission) to take a rest. soul hungers: true love partnership, pets of all kinds, gourmet vegan cooking, ashtanga yoga, creating home, creating ambience, deliciousness, a backyard, road trips to nature all over, painting huge works in a shed or basement with music blasting, writing everything, traveling out of the country, fashion (my style not brand names or trends), color, flowers, and crystals. that’s a lovely list. finis.

transforming post-cohort, holy grief…

blog, i have missed you! it’s been a week cause i have been in school all week and all day. i came out the other end different. a few weeks ago an astrologer friend pointed out that pluto is heading over my north node and gonna stay there for three years. what this means in essence is: grief and loss are going to transform my life purpose for the next three years. not fun news, but i accept it because my life thus far i would not classify as fun even if i have fun to balance out all the work. i am already a scorpio ruled by pluto so i got this. but not so fast, me. pluto takes one to their knees, and i am on mine. it began first with grief coming up around letting go of my old identity. no more am i the bohemian artist “trying to make it”, or the reluctant healer, or the priestess not touching earth, or the tortured soul, or the dependent child. grieving this old identity feels very painful. though what i am learning about grief thus far is; the pain is not painful. the pain does not feel like suffering. there is beauty in the pain as my friend pointed out to me. the pain moves, it is not static or conceptual. it is more live a river. maybe that’s why the the river styx courses through the underworld, where grief finds home. so…at this cohort gathering, i entered a new layer of grief. in 1995 i had a very traumatic summer that i never grieved or felt the feelings for. i did not even know i had not felt the feelings until they came spilling out yesterday. our teacher referred to herself as a narwhal and her oceanic horn pierced a veil over my heart during a crisis intervention teaching. up came the crisis from twenty years ago, just like that, completely unexpected. my friends took me outside and became my ground and lighthouse, allowing me to pour out the feelings and keeping me on track to what was happening. wow. to have gone twenty years only naming the feelings like an intellectual. to have gone twenty years analyzing why it happened, what it did to me, and how i needed to heal mentally…and to implement the healing without feeling the feelings? holy shit. i allowed the feelings to gush out. it was very sad. grief took hold and is still with me. when i said to him, “i know this isn’t true, but why can’t i live a normal life like everybody else,” he responded with, “it’s the loss of time,” and it home. i burst out tears of truth. twenty years lost to one summer. the sadness is grief and nothing else. nothing to fix or heal. just grief to feel. and to feel the story alive in my heart as it was alive twenty years ago? oy guvalt, as my mother would say. not fun, not easy. luckily i have done enough healing to not feel any second arrows. but what i do feel is a need to tell the story again. damn. really? i thought i was done. grief says i am not done. as we learn in school, everything i am effected by effects the system. my story is a catalyst of healing for others. this time i will tell the story without the psychiatrist writing it. i named the part of myself that lives strong inside me as the masculine in control. he is the psychiatrist. now a new part awakens to narrate. it wont be the priestess, the psychiatrist, or the wounded child telling the story this time. who will it be? more later, as this new narrator has yet to emerge. school is training me to be in the moment and allow chaos to guide me. so powerful. i am not going to break this blog up onto paragraphs. the reason why i usually don’t is on purpose in attempt to make the reader feel how the thoughts enter and occupy my head space. all at once with no breaks. it’s a visceral style of writing…

rushing faucet turns into dribbles for the full moon…

i’m writing this blog at night, how weird is that? i feel turned upside down like the hanged man but i don’t feel desolate anymore. an ally came to visit and i got to go back home with him for a night and day. my pantheon brother from the same planetary mother, how much i love K. we go to a place together where we are free of taking anything personally and we analyze our thoughts, actions, and contemplations about ourselves and all of life. while doing this we also take characters on, just for fun. last night i was Doc Nite. Doc is a woman who likes to dress like a man, not a woman who wants to be a man. Doc never feels two ways about anything. he always knows just what he wants. he is very calm, loyal, and particular. oh it was so much fun to be Doc last night on the town hashing out our inner worlds, being mirrors and guides. i know he will watch me die in this life. had a vision once. could be wrong but i don’t care about being right. i knew i needed to get to the water today and K made is happen real easy. he rented a car and we drove to the east side. every time i am in a car and we hit lake washington, i get an instant feeling of extreme relief. ahhhh, i usually say anytime i cross that bridge, but only from seattle to the east side. on the way home it’s more a feeling of entering back onto the mother ship. to me, seattle feels like a ship while the east side feels like land. secure. safe. but some parts also feel empty (the sun always casts a shadow). first we went to a park in bellevue. K took a swim but i am mooning and wanted to remain dry. needed to read for school so it worked out great. i read in the grass among the bees, under a birch tree. i love birch trees. maybe the most. they are gentle and magical trees. put my feet in the fishy smelling water and could tell it wasn’t pristine but that’s all of us anyhow. i wanted to take off all my clothes and submerge. i want to do this in a pristine lake. i want to do this every morning first thing. that would be profound. after the park we went to downtown kirkland on a whim. that’s where it felt empty to me. pretty but empty. white privilege was a huge topic this trip and downtown kirkland exemplifies. now that i am reading the life changing book, “sitting in the fire” i feel able to see more clearly how white privilege operates in me and also how to love all the human hearts, no matter what side of the fence we are born into. to love us all while also recognizing i have the privilege to feel this sentiment because i don’t have to fight my way through daily external messages that i am not loved. both/and. so much learning right now and i realize that action is needed in every moment and this luxury of time is my privilege too. my heart is bursting through old casings. too much to write about here. i am feeling very jack kerouac right now but without the drugs. free flowing fire tapping these neon green keys. Doc Nite coming at you (you’ll be reading more from me later). being Doc, reading books, learning, driving back and forth over water, this is how i am spending my time now, flipped upside down, dangling by my toes with my head toward the ground. i am tired of staring at pebbles while wishing to be released. K snapped me out of an arrival-illusion mindset. you know how that goes…you find yourself always working for tomorrow and forget to appreciate today. chasing happiness like a dangling carrot, part of the circular and competitive drift of this this cult/ure vulture feeding on the death of your dreams, yo. anyhow, gotta let go of that story because it’s getting old… and tired. let me instead listen to the wisdom of the elders, which is timeless…

yoda what say you?

you are your breath. breath is not part of the body, it is what makes the body come alive. breath is who you are, feel yourself breathe…

the full moon is commencing tonight in my blood and feelings even thought the full swell is not exalted until 11:30 pm tomorrow. ┬áthe full moon is about full inner illumination flushing out what no longer serves the path you are on…and this time she is wearing the sign of aquarius, which is ruled by uranus. the metaphor of this full moon is the lightning strike.

are you ready?