aries moon saturday snippet…

a little bit of a blue sky this morning.  did not want to get out of bed.  weird dreams.  cold apartment.  years end.  was thinking about 2015 and how it went.  for me personally, not too great, aside from the usual growing within.  on the outside, it was a wash or something.  nothing really happened except for equanimity through disappointment, working for the temple, continuing on the yoga path, and then deciding it was time to change around the end of summer.  fall was a blur.  my attachments have not been bearing fruit.  creative pursuits are mad at me for not being focused and committed.  and the tarot keeps reinforcing the same lesson: your resonance creates your reality.  so now, i let go of the fruitless attachments and feel out what will keep my resonance melodic and lunar, flowing and in harmony.  not in the mood to repeat myself this morning, therefor avoiding talking about moving and spirituality.  i haven’t heard fred buzzing around, wonder if he left?  not much to say.  burning eucalyptus.  moon is in aries, and i am feeling her need for immediacy, movement, play, passion, wonder.  gotta get out of this head of mine and let the soul plunder into a sand box or two.  too serious of a mood dripping over me like goo.  music, take me to the heart.  sunshine light up my inner dark.  got fifty more years, only if i am lucky.  the world will keep being hard and oppressive, but i will keep being compassionate and loving.  what else is there?

nothing, romance, what’s gross…

virgo moon happening next two days.  feeling it.  feeling unemotional.  the sky is brownish grey.  listening to kd and the sound of construction workers using something metal, banging.  dreamed i moved back to missoula.  coffee not tasting amazing like usual.  flatness.  good morning for a yoga practice.  drip goes the faucet.  i have nothing to say.  blank mind.  burning agarwood.  heat turned up.  this might be the shortest blog yet.  but keep writing.  break on through to the other side.  thoughts are virgo when i try to tap into them.  otherwise feeling like kneeling before quiet beauty and connecting to the purity of life.  desire peaking through to bathe in the waters of a fantasy place where isis sits at the water’s edge, telling me about her day.  mirror images.  blah.  really.  this is not working.  forced poetry, forced blogging.  just need to finish this cup of coffee and meditate, do yoga, and be silent until my client.  the deep rolling sound of kd’s voice calms the cells of this body.  safe within his masculine energy, sharp edges sedated like a sunset.  watching my moods, thoughts, and feelings shift and change like weather.  seattle sky so much like me.  mirror images.  oneness asking for recognition though the desire for similarity.  clever and wise.  clarity in disguise as passion.  oh, here is something to tell!  yesterday i met a friend for lunch at an indian buffet.  when i went to the bathroom, i took one look in the toilet, and what i saw was so disturbing that i raced out of there.  it looked like an entire tray of some yellow indian dish was sitting in there, and had absorbed all the water.  but i know the people who work there, they did not do something like that.  so, it must have come from the inside of a human body.  oh my god.  i am still shivering and disturbed by what i saw.  it’s so weird how the feeling of gross is a part of this realm.  my reaction was so strong.  talk about the opposite of pedestal.  making this instant analogy to lovers, and how new lovers put one another on pedestals sometimes.  what an illusion inside the illusion.  i have done it too.  but these days i see right through.  don’t want it.  crave the intimacy of the ordinary, not an emotional rise that comes from hormones and holding somebody else up higher than you.  instead, the closeness of two souls who have no shame with each other.  takes having no shame within the self?  am i shameless? oh there you are virgo, striving for perfection.  of course when the thoughts enter, they are about romantic love and gross things.  nice contrast.  now lets get back the middle.

moon in gemini babbling about relationships blog…

morning, blog.  the  sky is grey at last, but it could change to blue later.  i don’t want it to.  i want to be swaddled by the grey sky today.  can’t recall my dreams.  slept hard.  went to the seattle art museum to see the impressionist tour from the national gallery of art in dc.  thought i would feel nostalgia, as i grew up outside of dc, and viewed the impressionist paintings in the national gallery a ton, but when i was there last night, did not recognize a single one.  stood before cezanne, van gogh, and renoir wanting to cry because i love their work, and their actual brushstrokes emanated two inches in front of my face.  i also cannot explain the way i feel drawn to 19th century europe, especially paris. past life for sure.  i just need to paint.  walked up the hill and was gonna do a bit of writing in my usual place, but ran into somebody and got to talking for a while instead.  love when synchronicity happens.  it used to happen a lot more.  i think i am returning to a place i had left for a while.  a place much less warrior, and much more magical.  the high priestess returns.  he said we are all looking for home, and we are.  realizing i am still anchored to my parents as home.  how most people marry and have kids to create their new anchor.  i don’t want to have kids, but i realize that part of my longing for a partner is to be anchored.  thing is, even if i still energetically feel connected to my parents as anchor, i have lived single and alone for many years and i feel very emotionally independent, have a strong sense of self, and don’t need a man or anybody to guide my life.  the energetic anchor thing is nothing more than that, a human being alive in the flesh that feels like my home.  i know how life goes by now.  i don’t expect anything i want to happen, but i stay in touch with my desires and value them, want to see them come into fruition, don’t really try to let them go, just loosen the grip and continue to put energy toward my bhakti heart, toward the love i am and that is.  my desire for a partner as somebody i walk through life with, who is my home, is not going to change.  for all the men, including one i have really loved, who think this form of dependance is unattractive or are fearful of it, there are men who want what i want too.  there are those men who want to be anchored to a woman as home.  i have been with a few of those men too, but it did not work out for other reasons.  yet all the reasons from every guy i have been with can fall under one umbrella category: emotionally unavailable.  ye old pattern.  any pull toward an emotionally unavailable man, is unhealthy for me, i say to myself like a mom.  i would never tell my own child to pine after a man who denies her essential needs.  and after many years of growth and analysis, i know the difference between superfluous wants and essential needs.  i’ve let go of the expectations and held on to the standards.  romantic love is so funny, because it’s conditional.  you gotta know what kind of relationship you are looking for and be realistic about it.  it’s not just about love.  love is not enough.  that sentiment is so youthful and imbalanced and will make you wind up denying half of the truth if you are with somebody you love who cannot give you what you need in certain areas.  everything in this world must be sustained through the practical building and care taking of it.  if you want to write a book, you need to sit down and write and keep up with it, edit, refine, re-write, through to completion.  if you want to be in shape you need to work out regularly and make it a lifestyle change for good.  if you want a life long partner, you need to make yourself a lovable life long friend and lover and choose somebody looking for the same thing, where you both mesh sexually, emotionally, mentally, and for some, spiritually as well.  no shoving squares into circles because you love them.  no hoping that later things will change.  no fantasy living.  compromise is always part of it, but settling is not.  compromise means not always getting your way, settling means denying an essential need.  i have learned this.  i feel bad about the way i have handled myself in the past too.  but you know, everybody has a shadow.  my shadow can turn ice cold and put on a pretend show of not caring or feeling, in order to protect my freaking out heart.  my shadow can pretend everything is fine until the moment i break inside because i finally face what i have been denying, and i bolt.  learning, with my saturn in gemini, to speak my conflicted truth in the moment.  cause it’s often like that, a conflicted truth, where i am not clear, and i am the type who needs to talk things through to get to clarity.  my shadow hides this conflicted truth and need to talk it out, behind a false sense harmony, because she’s just trying to be liked by her man, and she fears not being liked.  shadows aren’t pretty.  but i love my ugly shadow.  oh look, this blog is turning into a therapy session.  best i stop now and keep on with these thoughts in private writing world.  self awareness is heightened today.  right,  that’s cause the moon is in gemini….

can you tell the moon’s in gemini?

currently sitting at a local hipster-esque diner on the hill, up at the counter.  needed something not a bar or a cafe.  not booze and televisions.  not business or quaint.  i am a city rat alright.  or have been, anyways.  not sure if i am to keep being this.  or not.  change, where are you?  i am suffocating in my container.  a house plant needing a new vase.  and yet my soul does not give me a new place.  i only move when i get the directive from my soul.  nothing.  so here i stay.  there’s a reason.  there’s a reason seeing krishna das got cancelled too.  what better way to accept loss, then to have to let go of going to see the man who has opened my heart, which in turn, is how i learned to let go.  how’s that for a sentence?  never mind i have a huge rock star crush on him, and that part of me is upset too.  but underneath it all, i am at peace with it.  i am at peace with the way life gives you sudden twists and turns, change of plans, churn churn churn.  it is what it is.  i feel like if i have perfected anything in life, it’s how to go with the flow.  i am going with it.  yoga was intense today.  linnea’s class is always my meditative class.  when i get meditative in hot power vinyasa yoga, it’s alchemical.  because the practice to the body, is vigorous and athletic.  but the practice to mind is to be calm and go within.  i am in medium shape physically, not one of the alpha practitioners by any means.  i am in the back, but doing it.  and today i did it without thinking, going within, and not reacting to the body’s stress, which allowed me to do more then i would if i was thinking and reacting to the practice being hard.  when i got home my body felt depleted and my soul felt emptied out.  the practice today was about letting go of what no longer serves.  i guess i did.  cause all i could do was chant with krishna das, loudly, like a child…singing my heart out to the sky, until i made the sun come out from the clouds and rain storm.  that was satisfying, feeling the sun shine all over my face as i sang, “sita ram” into it with every cell of my being.  i am sure my neighbors think i am a weirdo.  who cares.  let them hear the passionate singing of a woman stirring in a little box in the sky.  she can’t write her book, but she can sing.  still challenged.  feel like all of my energy is going into relations with others right now.  not sure if this meant to be.  it is.  of course, it is.  it’s my grist.  learning when and how to say no, to carve out the time and space i need to write.  fuck.  it’s hard.  i need solitude.  i think i might need to stay in the seattle area but live more out from the city.  maybe.  i don’t know.  i cannot see two seconds in front of me.  need to take a journey and feel myself outside the routine of seattle and vegas.  must travel!  i feel the walls of this diner absorbing all of the conversations, grease, sweat of the employees, and the expectations never met by every heart that eats pancakes to be relieved of emotional pain.  not sure what i am saying anymore.  it’s the sun and rain, taking turns every three hours, as spring inundates this city with bipolar magic.  being who and how i am, i cannot help but become what is around me, shape-shifting.  as it rains, i hibernate and feel my feelings.  the sun comes out, and i come out, head to the diner, and write among the people.  moon’s in gemini.  chatty.  my back is facing fifty people talking about their lives to each other.  maybe i will have one more and keep writing.  just finding myself now, after five hundred words.  why do i only find myself in my writing?  it’s a secret place, and yet i post it to the world.  paradox city.  the air smells like fried fish and coffee.  makes me miss montana…

tumbling words from the nonsense factory and other news…

it’s rainy and i have not been to yoga since monday.  this has been a strange week of falling off my routine, and feeling unable to practice.  i have also felt very scared.  waves of fear coursing through my body.  i watch the fear, take aspen flower essence, keep living.  realizing i am lunar all the way.  not solar.  so, there are weeks where i need to not practice and be in a different cyclical flow.  yoga will return on monday.  this week big spurts of the book have poured into my brain, changing the plot, thickening the characters.  and painting came back with a force of lightning.  now i am resisting it.  why?  who cares why.  watch the resistance with love…and this too shall pass.  i am holding hands with love as i walk into a new dimension.  this week it’s been about change.  a costume change it feels like.  i am going to see krishna das live in dc, the place i was born. at last!  been trying to figure out how to get there on my measly budget, checking his tour schedule constantly, and then it just sorta happened, real easy…with the help of being loved.  i know it’s no fluke that the first time i see him is where i was born and raised.  full circle.  if i were to paint the feeling, it would be me ripping my heart open to reveal krishna das, ripping his heart open to reveal maharaji, ripping his heart open to reveal hanuman, ripping his heart open to reveal ram and sita, ripping their hearts open to reveal what cannot be seen but only felt.  love.  bhakti.  she calls it the love lineage.  i want to paint it.  mars in pisces has me in his soft grip…i am lingering in the softness.  not being at yoga this week feels like a softening too.  the feminine flow needed to dominate this week i suppose.  but the emperor is in full effect too, as i streamline my juggling act of…lets see…how many jobs?  seven.  always seven.  maya devi dying seven days after buddha was born, coming to me.  ganesha came for a visit yesterday too…so i fed him one of those sweet doughy balls and sung his name.  it’s not religious.  it’s a playful waterfall of spirit having a material experience.  it’s free form.  spontaneous.  it’s being in love with love.  i got about zero dogma in me, and only tradition where it’s romantic.  don’t put anything in boxes, cause nothing is solid anyway…but the feeling.  rose colored heart creating the sea from which all life sprung.  sweet water devotee.  swift wind devotee.  amber, blood of the tree, always on the first finger.  coral over the high heart.  coconut oil in everything.  the sound of the rain tickling the window sills…i don’t even know what i am saying….words tumble out without thought.  no lose, no gain.  a grasshopper walking on stilts.  maybe i want to learn the harmonium and do the call too.  could be i am the me that is inside the you…

leo roar toward the moon…

i still don’t know what to say.  the embers of passion are burning me up and i feel ecstatic with no outlet…but with tons of outlets…writing. painting, friends, music.  outlet for the specific passion is not present.  grist grist grist.  furiously writing on the red wood bar.  ignited.  oh why even write this?  i am so frustrated!  i could burn a galaxy to bits with my gaze.  simmer down.  breathe.  listen.  there are only open doors and waves that crash upon shores.  hanuman, jai!  saraswati-raddha.  venus in pisces.  loss of boundaries.  sensitivity on the rise.  effervescent lack of compromise.  amber and vanilla.  lime and coffee.  lit up apple, the oracle into nothing or something vital.  can’t tell…nonsense from real.  cryptic lines kiss.  i love you, what is this?  tarot cards show me what i feel.  dreams reveal what i am afraid to admit.  medicine bag hefty and legit.  notice how that’s the new word now?  legit?  too legit to quit was once a song sung by that guy with baggy pants. remember?  they come, they go, images and melodies not in anyone’s control…until it is…and he sings the names of love.  thirsty for the names of love.  only.  steeping in the vital essence.  love.  so mote it be.  moon in leo, this is…

the dismantling of emotion…

void of course moon has me reflective…and i am moody.  need to paint.  feel tired.  feel that stoic grip on the heart, too zoomed out, and missing home on another dimension.  persistence.  will go to yoga and do my best to get into my feet and be right here.  that’s the campaign.  maybe it was the talk of vesta in our charts yesterday.  learning that my devotion stems from inadequacy, not new news, just new in how it is found in the birth chart, but rekindling that knowledge dethroned me from my rose colored heart, and catapulted me up into my indigo head…and maybe a little part of my heart fled the scene.  nothing i want to talk about here in blog.  sometimes, pain flares again.  i watch it.  i will watch it in yoga when my body burns, and look within, not attaching.  i will follow my breath the whole time.  yesterday was the first day i was with my breath for the full hour, in totality.  what a different practice.  breath breath breath.  i am breath.  breathe through this moody pain, breathe through the tightness, breathe through the flickers of fear and strain.  given grace by my efforts.  grace, the treasure.  need to paint.  paint it out…paint it out.  feeling internal and protective, like a turtle.  watching that too.  no investment in any of these feelings or thoughts.  the only thoughts i am investing in, are the ones about the story i am writing.  otherwise, it’s the spiritual practice of non-attachment, allowing love to have full expansion without any inner road blocks.  will wear the magician’s stone today.  wanting the lapis mala but cannot buy more stones.  burning a new resin…oh wonderful vetivert, patchouli, benzoin…oh gaia, for you i am here.  you are my devotion.  i am venus rising, devoting to your transformation.  big sigh.  no tears to cry.  not much expressed emotion, it’s more of a swell….that fat and quiet bulge of the sea before a storm.  what will this storm be?  a painting.  make it a painting.  no needing to know.  flushing concepts down the drain.  freeing heart of the mental prison.  free of the concept of freeing, even.  follow the soul impulse without analysis.  feels good to cleanse is all.  and to commit.  to fulfill the deep desires.  life is a romantic ritual and sacred creation.  non attached to victory.  open to the divine as mystery.  counting lemurian quartz stones.  dreaming of limestone rings.  walking on concrete city streets…spirit watching through my eyes…