full moon in sag. and jupiter going direct. not full sentences blog. waking up at 10, one hour after going to bed, having lost all sanity for one minute. when you wake from a dream and are not in reality. the reality: evil in the room. not knowing where i am. time coming unhinged. smelling evil, feeling evil. (i don’t even believe in evil.) get up to go the bathroom and it wakes me enough to arrive back to sanity. feeling scared though. evil and i never touch. go back to bed, shaking it off. dream: wise voice telling that good and evil are only ways of perceiving reality that exist at a certain level of human development. evil is not real beyond a level of perception. the reason evil exists at this level of human development is to exercise where the mind will place energy and attention. good versus evil perception is a strengthening tool for the mind. i am told to place energy and attention on what matters to me and to remember that evil is not real beyond it being a perception. i remember this to be true upon waking. i remember my understanding as a multi-dimensional being, how duality does not exist past the fourth dimension. how within the structure of duality, fourth dimensional beings exist, though not made of flesh and blood, that are shadow creatures, that feed off pain. the entire experience may have been brought about by reading a metaphysical article on reptilians, saturn, and the myth of new agers. i channel my own myth about saturn and how “evil” all came about. the roots are not evil in and of itself. i feel evil is perception. i mean, everything is perception when it comes down to it, from our human understanding…but i am interested in the details of perception. i am interested in the architecture of perception. i want to see the details. i don’t live inside myth like a whale that has swallowed me up. i see the whale swimming through the sea. i see the sea. i am the sea. my interest is so much more metaphysical than psychological sometimes, but i have to choose psychology for now, since i am in grad school. it’s hard to focus on it when my desire it to focus on the metaphysical and the architecture of myth and perception. actually, they are probably the same thing. how to pull this all together into coherency? i don’t know yet….finis for now…finis.
i didn’t blog this morning. got caught up in editing my paper. life took on its own this morning. maybe from the flow of the water last evening as we took a quick trip over to brainbridge island. two water signs talking deep and feeling the beauty of the earth. one saturated in the shadows on the inside and one saturated by the shadows on the outside. like a yin-yang of light and shadow. me…i am feeling like a luminous light right now. a phosphorescent eel swimming through the dark ocean deep. inspiration returns to me today. the water may have opened up my right brain more, snake-charming my soul outta me. i think so. i want to make those i love love themselves and that’s my cancer south node pulling on me to mother but in this lifetime, having a capricorn north node, i am here to be more of a father in this life though i still identify as a female with a female body my masculine side burns strong in me. masculine does not mean man and feminine does not mean woman, btw. masculine is an energy that lives inside men and women and feminine is a form that lives inside men and women. the feminine form inside of men is what they seek in a partner. the masculine energy inside of women is what they are driven to create. this model only applies to those who identify as men or women’s bodies though. those who are non-binary with gender still have born sexual bodies as either man, woman, or both sexes, but if they feel like a different gender on the inside, that is what they will want their bodies to reflect because we all want to be integrated, whole, complete. we don’t want divides. and yet the divide exists too. when the divide exists inside the psyche it fucking really hurts. i am not transgender or non-binary, i am your run of the mill heteronormative straight female so i don’t say this because i relate…and yet i do relate, but i don’t experience my own inner divide in terms of sex and gender. i experience my inner divide as human on the outside but i don’t feel human on the inside. being human as always felt foreign to me. for instance, the thought of birthing a baby through my body feels so different than what i identify with as a sentient being, that i feel a deep aversion for the process and never wanted to be a biological mother as a result. you could say trauma induced this perception and i am sure this is partially correct. but to me, this does not dismiss the myth that lives inside of me as very real and alive. this myth is seen as something not real by a lot of people. though uber religious people might relate in so much as we both invest in the truth of the right brain. a small number of other people relate to me and we call one another tribe. humans like to get into groups of like minds. intimacy often pulls two opposites together though. to me, being really close to somebody opposite me teaches me so much. it teaches me patience, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, surrender, how to be with shadowy feelings in an honoring way of the self and the other, and how to love unconditionally. for this, i am happy to be as close as two people can be, with my polarity. though with enough similarity to make it fun and also inspiring. now i am building a recipe. i am building a mystery and thinking back to when sara sang that song and i was a twenty something along with the other young women who sang that song over and over in their bedrooms. anyhow, this is one long spew as i listen to 432 binaural beats with theta waves and a shamanic native american drum beat. i have great honor for the american native americans. they are the root to this land and their land was stolen. what happened to their souls? i feel their souls softly lingering, praying with patience, waiting for the completion of the karma. our karma. when you see it 88 on a license plate it means that your facing your soul’s karma. in other words, you are being tested to see if you can respond to what hurts in a new way. can you honor the victim and also transcend the reactivity of the victim? my karma right now is to follow the way of the saturn and pluto as capricorn dances with my north node until 2019. in other words i am being tested in my ability to surrender, love unconditionally, forgive, and dive deep into the tragedy. reading the odessy might help. i will provide more than nurture right now. provide what? a listening ear, tarot pulls, a safe space to splooge out your deepest deep. come into my cave and let it all out. i’ll turn on the red light bulbs, light the candles, burn the star anise oil and be your witness. this spew feels so good to let out. i needed to. this blog might seem in disarray and needing a trimming and cultivated but don’t mistake my intention which is to be run-on, flooding, chaos, packed together words and thoughts that mirror the rapids of my mind, blending poetry into the concise lines of thought, i mean, i am sculpting here, every word is chosen but also given space to come out messy and strange. i gotta let this part of me out or i will feel deranged. my version of the shadow is so….i mean, i shudder from the two places i have been when journeying into my personal hell this past week. i shudder. it reminds me of the myth of uranus and gaea. i need to read that too. my cells are asking for a new myth and also they are asking for the old myth to be understood before it leaves forever. i can feel it. i see alex in my mind as she speaks of loyalty to the old kingdom. i shudder, i shudder. my words are starting to putter. i want to have the bravery to post this without even one read-through. true beat style. just to let it out all. messy. here it goes…
i heart synthesis. had a great session with my supervisor that seemed to gel together my work as an intern, my final paper, the story i need to write, and the theme of my life right now. dancing with dragons. bringing tea to vulnerability. seeing the positive in every illness. doesn’t diminish the voice that screams, “this isn’t good,” doesn’t minimize, “i am hurting,” but instead, tames the dragon and allows us to go deeper into the place that you don’t want to let anyone into. the treasure chest. the shadow. the hurting child. innocence lost. an overgrown garden taken over by snakes who are ready to help if you know how to ask. the mystery of it all. feeling neptune sextile the moon so hard core yesterday morning. could only laugh and be relaxed. could only open myself to vision. could only get inspired. i heart neptune. most impassioned by the story, i am. the story is my medicine and my lover. i don’t want to transcend the story even if i know it’s just a story. it isn’t just a story. there is no just here. no minimizing. no diminishing. no marginalizing. the story is sacred. the story is important. the story is real. no trying to move up any ladders, material or spiritual, yet at the same time i am climbing a mountain. i don’t leap into faith, i climb up faith. faith is a mountain. faith is a feeling not a belief. i remember back in the nineties when i was young and extreme, how i rejected beliefs completely. i sort of lost my noodles because i could not not believe in beliefs cause that’s a belief too. the mind goes crazy when you break it down like that. i found peace in brahma. i named my white ford escort brahma. i lost myself in music. i was severely depressed. those were some good ole bad ole days…up in wisconsin…snot freezing in my nostrils from the bitter cold. my dragon was powerful. she would not let anyone in, not even me. funny, thinking back to those days. the days when…well, never mind. what am i talking about? how your beautiful shadow is protected by your loyal dragon. the loyal dragon are your defense mechanisms, your persona, your protector, born long ago, when you needed protection as a child. some dragons are evil even. being evil is a great protection devise. if you promote evil nobody has to see how hurt and scared you feel on the inside. what is evil anyhow? i don’t see the devil as an external power source anymore than i see god as an external power source. in my reality, all is one, all is connected. we are all god and we are all the devil. think holographic universe meets ancient creation story. there’s always a spectrum. i have had desires to destroy but i never would actually do it. we all fantasize about actions we’d never take. some take those actions. we call those people evil. my brain is not in the mood to wax like this. time to end blog and get on my mat. i keep needing to let go of mind this week. it’s a dance between mind and being. both need equal say. really practicing letting go on the mat. not trying to do any poses or forcing muscles. surrendering into the poses, into the dance of breath. dancing with my dragon. dancing with my body. basically, dancing….
the pisces solar eclipse is having a powerful effect on me. i am beginning to understand the dream with krishna das in it. it’s a call back to my creative self and ingenuity to bring about the calling in a new way. a return to the soul-self. being part of a greek cult of women devoted to wisdom and art is about not seeking a mate right now in life, despite wanting a mate right now in life. it isn’t the right time and not sure when the right time will be. could be tomorrow, i suppose, but the right time best be with my gaze turned toward not looking for him because that neural pathway is ready to collapse and be done with, forever. i realize i am at a point in life where, if i devote to my calling, i can flourish. maybe a mate would create too much distraction? i don’t know. all i know is, i am tired of feeling myself drudge through life and feel tired from practical reality and the reality of this nation i live in. i need joy. i need inspiration. i need to be creative and i need to give. i cannot drudge through life. i cannot focus on desires not being met. i am having to learn how to transmute sexual into creative energy and hardship into inspiration. it’s s different ball game than working on equanimous mind. this game is more yang. takes will and passion. it’s about not expending all my energy energy in the emotional depths within or on the flat surface of sensual experiences. it’s about using the emotions and desires for something made of more quality and playing the long game. time is a-ticking. i wrote a bl0g yesterday and took it down cause it was about a man and it felt too personal. i don’t want to share too much about my personal life, but i will say that his return means something more than just my friend returning. i don’t know what exactly but it feels like the return of an alternate reality and coincides with the return of my creative calling. i’ve known him from lives before and in my soul. there is one life i am reminded of and perhaps bringing her back to me in this life is part of the significance i feel. not sure which country, but i lived some place either in south america or cuba. it was a life i lived of passion and heart ache, politics, music, dance. i died young yet fulfilled. my spirit in that life was deep red and unrelenting. i need to dance more often. i need to sing more often. i wont let the shadow loom over me and crush my spirit. we have this one life that we are us. i want to cherish my one life. i want to sing, dance, and express while i can and i want to serve the soul in all people too. the fight begins within. creating new neural pathways is hard. you gotta do what is not intuitive, as a friend shared with me. when you want to snack, do push-ups. when you want to lay on the couch, go for a walk. not all the time, but a good portion of it. like seventy five percent of the time, be different with the little things. the little things create the big things.
when the flow comes the feelings let go. how strange to be this human being. to be run by feelings. strange dreams all night too. the solar eclipse is coming up sunday with a mammoth party of pisces planets at eight degrees, falling into my first house of identity. pisces is washing away my aquarian identity into the sea for renewal. i feel this. i feel myself deeply letting go. feeling the need for more solitude and personal time than usual in order to not spaz out, over give, over extend, lose myself in others, get too caught up in desire…and trusting that i can hold myself and the other in attunement and balance without over or under giving. allowing myself to receive. how much do you give versus receive? are you a needless wantless white knight too much? are you an energy draining sponge? do you close yourself off and only show a persona? do you share your most intimate self with undeserving hearts? what voices are marginalized in your heart? sorrow? joy? are you tired? are soul hungers starving? do you find yourself always trying to fix yourself in order to get what you want? can you surrender? will you find peace inside? these questions bubble up. i am moved by others. we all have these…personalities. they are archetypal and then we give a unique spin on the archetypes with our mysterious humanness. my internship has my heart and feels warm like a glow worm. the left brain is worked to the limit. taking a personal day to reset my energy as my moon flows heavily out of this body, causing my womb to ache. i am craving water. had a great conversation with a friend last night where i felt seen and heard. do you feel seen and heard? the marginalization of the authentic self is a plight i care so much about. who is your authentic self? working my culture of origin suffering. still healing from being outcasted as a child. humbled how long it can take to be free of the hard wired past. some believe we do not have an authentic self or a self inside that is already formed and waiting to be recognized. that’s cool. i honor what i don’t believe in. i cannot help but believe in a true self because it is my felt experience, deeper than emotions, past the five senses. if i did not have a lived phenomenological experience of soul i would not believe in soul. and i have no issues using poetry and myth to speak the language of mystery. i am babbling. i don’t know why i am writing any of this other than it is pouring out like honey. another little tiny death sweetens the pot…
i am currently melting. melting and communicating. vulnerable and sensitive. cannot stop this force of alchemy. this is not something that needs or wants therapy or the theraputic voice. this is something deeper. and yet i cannot tend to it so much. or maybe i can. meaning, i wish i could lock myself away in a cabin on the sea and write a hundred pages and paint a hundred paintings. but i cannot. the desire to escape is strong and i watch it with love. choosing to share myself humbly with others in ways i am not used to, to work my family of origin stuff, to speak my true voice in a group, to use too many commas, to piece osiris back together. oh, how i miss osiris, my love. i must bring him back from the dead. resurrect. or…can i change the myth? yes, change it. the myths are alive and i know as a living being that nothing dampens my spirit more than telling the same story about my life over and over. especially a story of pain. can you tell your story of pain in a new way? she said transformation made the thing totally new. that it’s not the ashes becoming the phoenix. that the phoenix rises up as a completely new creature. so maybe that means it is time to allow osiris to stay dead and to transform myself instead. no more good brother versus evil brother, over and over again. no more dueling forces of duality. can you do that while still in this body? if we are collectively still dualistic, can you break away as an individual and turn into a multi-dimensional being all the way, or can you only have knowledge of that? i wonder. forces pull at my heart strings. coming back to the ground, i am humbled by looking back at my life through a therapeutic lens. the two stories are drastically different when looked at through the lens of therapy or through the pleaidian light being lens. people make fun of the latter, i don’t care. let them eat their cake of antagonization. i know what is true for me. yet, can the truth be used to ignore certain realities? i somehow need to alchemize the therapy and pleaidian lenses. if not, i will go bananas. no marginalization of voices. it’s all happening. i find sanctuary in spirit and through the lens of psychology i have a working knowledge. the mind goes round and round. i wont pick of the pieces of osiris this time. yes, i must pick up his pieces. no, i wont. yes, i must. the thought of abandoning him is profoundly sad. our karma pulls us back with intense emotion and our emotion is our humanity. what to do?
my friend just got into town for a visit and it’s always medicinal for us when we get together. we both enjoy being one another’s life coaches and healers. he is one of the few i can speak about my deepest sense of truth with and in the past our intuitions and imaginations have collaborated on expanding myths we both feel in our hearts. he has the same stamina as me to talk deep for hours. his mind is as open as mine and allows us to explore the far reaches. i feel grateful to have him as a soul brother and that he is visiting right now, when uncertainty reigns the moment. intense dreams continue to rain all night long, leaving puddles in my bones by morning. everyone in my life shows up in them. it’s a carnival. when i wake up i feel like i am leading a double life. at least my waking life feels real and my dream life feels like commentary on waking life. i don’t think i could metabolize the surreality of dream life feeling real. but i do feel a bit surreal in waking life this week, coming back from vegas. i feel surreal being alone. i am not enjoying waking up alone, like i usually do. i wish i was waking up with somebody. i don’t want to be doing it all alone anymore. i don’t want a random roommate either. next best thing to a partner would be a friend roommate, but that does not feel right either. the cards are showing me i have to be strong by accepting my restlessness for change. just because you long for an experience does not mean you will get it. in fact, so many of us experience the opposite of what we long for. there are no red carpets rolling out for wishes. i am feeling the death of longing’s fulfillment in my heart. no buddhist words guide me these days. i am not finding refuge in mental adjustments or meditation. i am finding refuge in pure divine love, and that is all. i am lucky that i feel pure divine love. if i didn’t, i would probably be some kind of existential detached type of person due to how zoomed out i see things all i the time. divine love pulls me into the moment, into my body, into myself and into a state of tenderness. as i grieve the death of longing’s fulfillment in my heart, i rest in spirit and nourish myself on the milk and honey of a love that requires no physical body, no beginning, no end, no conditions. is this pluto going over my north node? feels much like it. pluto puts me on my knees, forcing me to sustain myself off of divine love because if my longing for the physical experiences were fulfilled, i might stray from divine love. that reason feels right in my puddled bones. grief is medicine. grief is transformation. grief is beauty. in waking life, there is a dominant cultural paradigm that says we have to have what we want in life and hold onto it, to feel good or happy. what pressure this invokes! that means if you are disabled in some way, homeless, mentally ill, single, overweight, marginalized, fired from a job, broken up with, violated, or…shall i go on? you get the idea. life is filled with shadow experiences. i know we have a ton of room to improve and better our world through awareness and healing, and it is important to always be working on what can be adjusted and healed. at the same time, accepting that human nature is part shadow and part light, just as we see the bright sun create shade all over the earth, is a part of seeing reality for reality. seeing reality for reality allows for acceptance. feeling acceptance allows the heart to stay open. the heart staying open allows more love to pour through. and this love is the real happiness. this is my two cents. again, i am practicing not being a diplomat 24/7 by not claiming any opinions. this is my opinion. every human being will lose, fall, get sick, not get what they want, most likely be violated at some point, and then lose the body all together and step into death. i am not excusing sorrow, anger, and all the feelings that accompany hard times. i am only saying that these feelings don’t have to rule out happiness. happiness can be rooted in the full spectrum of the human experience. we all have different temperaments too. some of us bitch more often, some of us turn things into a positive light more often, some of us take out the pain inward, some outward. we are all different crayons in the crayon box. i am trying to be one crayon and not all the crayons at once. my view of death is positive. i am sad to lose anybody i love while i am still here on earth, but i am happy for them because the doorway of death opens up to new vistas, free of the heaviness of this realm. is this fantasy? you can judge it as so, i don’t mind. some things i know so deeply i don’t need to question them. faith is the word for these aspects. my faith is strong but it’s not something to discuss because there is no convincing to be done. we each have our own path. we are each alone in what feels true about the big picture. if your faith tells you jesus is god and my faith tells me something else that is different we do not need to argue who is right or wrong. the kaleidoscope of reality allows for it all, including what is harsh, terrible, ugly. i say all this to myself because i long to know what is really going on with everything. i have a moulder complex. but i know in my faith, i will die not knowing, so i gotta remember to channel my desire to to know into creative endeavors. blah blah blah blah blah….