yesterday oh yesterday, how i dove into emotional extremes and watched the polarization of my mind and heart from the buddhist core of my soul. after waking up from the revelation dream yesterday, feeling grounded and sure, i catapulted into the opposite. the pulled muscle made yoga so gentle it was hardly a practice. i got real tired. the energies felt off. little things. blender breaking. dropping stuff. feeling off kilter. by noon i was filled with self doubt for the path i am taking. fear gripped my heart in a choke hold. total panic. i just watched with love my insides trash, wishing to be all alone, anonymous, not having to do any of it, free from responsibility, free from this particular life. familiar as the freckles on my skin is the desire to flee and live in exile. i rested for a while to calm my nervous system. went to the cafe before work and wrote it out, gave fear a voice. read the declaration of independence oddly, translating it toward the psychological process. oh psychology i am sick of you! oh healing and spirituality and everything mental and conceptual, narrative and meaning-making, i am sick of you! i am craving exile from my own mind! i just watched. went to work. slow day that slowly brought some innocence and goofiness back to my being. made a jasmine, rose, lime, lavender essential oil spray. medicine. walked around the block in the heat real slow, feeling the pulled muscle with every step. came home after work and lost myself happily in “orange is the new black,” until sleep took hold. fell to sleep listening to a binaural beats heart chakra cleansing. feeling it this morning. the pulled muscle is back to normal. no pain. storm has passed. feeling calm again. still not confident or sure of myself but peace has returned, the desire to run is sedated. this is the opposite of old me who ran every year. exile queen. quitting master. undetected. now i am detectable and walking into what i resist with fire feet and mountain eyes. i am a salmon swimming upstream into my own underworld river. my heart is a sea large enough to transmute all poison. darn, why the seriousness? she said my tummy, which is large like the full moon right now, is filled the feelings i have taken in from the world. everyone tries to give me tools and advice on how to empath without it harming me. why does it never work? what’s the missing link? twenty years of this already. what say you belly? “stop trying to fix me,” is all i hear. true that. maybe i simply accept the large moon like belly when i take in the fear of the world. shaman belly. love belly. belly that holds hell with love, churning it like butter into heaven. magical belly. belly of power. nectar belly. sage gave me an idea to paint chaos soup. duh. i need to paint chaos soup! why do i always forget when the belly is holding the hell of the world, to paint! it’s not a solution, as we know how annoying and disregarding solutions are. it is a voice. belly needs a voice. i am gonna give it to her.
taught the tower workshop last night while feeling very tower-y. i did not want to make sentences about anything because i did not want to make ideas concrete. i am feeling sensitive to people thinking they are right or better than others through whatever institution or compartmentalized version of an aspect of life. in the spiritual community i feel sensitive so much to this that i disclaim over and over, “this is just how i see the tower card,” or “this is my planetary correspondence to the card,” etc. all correspondences are written by humans. every bit of spiritual information is subjective even though the feelings are collective. the desire for unity creates a million stories. the act of liberation may happen through many different channels, using a variety of tools, creating many different narratives. there are no facts other than the fact that a person wants to heal or connect to the divine. i don’t like to get caught up in the idea of facts. i treat the idea of facts loosely. my strong impetus is to honor the individual’s choice for healing, for spiritual connection to the divine, or whatever the case may be. the only time i bring out my judgement hat and strong “no, this is not allowed” is when a belief brings harm, injustice, or injury to life. then everything about subjectivity and variety and no right or wrong is tossed out like confetti. you hurt another sentient life and i am a protector. end of story. otherwise, whatever works for you is my motto. i wish to bring this attitude to the new age world at all times and i do as a teacher. i am not above the student, i am only sharing how i connect and my experience, which is valuable and i know this by being a student. it’s always been a radical aspect of my personality to stand up for inner authority. i rebel heavily against all authoritarian thinking that leans toward externalizing the power source, all hierarchical thinking basically. i am devoted to personal choice, free will, and subjective myth making. i am devoted to life being a creative act. i stand up against this because creating any belief system that completely externalizes the power source, harms sentient life. last night i was feeling this strong as we talked about the tower and i felt uranus light up in my bloodstream. my relationship with the planets is palpable and intimate. i love the way uranus feels. his bold liberation tactics turn me on. he brightens up my imagination and fills me with courage, much more than mars. emergent learning. this is my other strong desire of late. i am not saying emergent learning is better or worse. it is a way to learn. the choices are endless when you get into the subtleties. these days i wake up and immediately tune into emergence, present moment, and getting my body more and more attuned to the planet by getting my mind out of the tower of thoughts it likes to live in, in order to meaning-make. don’t get me wrong, i love meaning-making and narrative. it is just that during the tower season, it is time to let go of meaning-making. or rather, it is time to meaning-make by letting go of meaning-making. fully coming into the creature experience is my protocol. this is a scary process for somebody who likes to build very tall towers of meaning. but here i am, on the ground, swishing coconut oil in my mouth, typing in the keys, preparing for my yoga practice next. talking to ruby last night and speaking of present moment, i realized i need to put more effort into making yoga a meditative experience. i have slacked. it is easy to zone out and make it just about strength, grace, and endurance, yet the whole point of yoga is to bring the mind to the body and fuse them. today i will practice this. i will move slower. my racing thoughts need to slow their roll and saunter with my languid body moving like a panther under a hot sun. or something along these poetic lines…
yesterday was a shift. a story i have been talking about writing for years came pouring out with more details. understanding a few transits happening in my chart brought some clarity of vision. laid in the grass and zoned out to shakespeare while writing. wandered the streets with a priestess friend. felt passionate and alive again after the dullness of last week. today i woke up feeling the dullness again though. or rather, sorrow. i wish i lived in the same village as my family. i mss them. i wish i could reconcile the two worlds. last night i watched “orange is the new black” for too long. it depressed me. so many television shows are about the shadow, which i like, but i probably needed something else. the afterworld. a world of never ending happiness, where you can always see the sun….day…or night. awww, prince. upon going to sleep i felt my age and aging. it scares me. my own death zero scares me. i look forward to it. but the death of my family and my own aging scares the crap out of me. the fragility is what is scary. youth is so protected in this country. i am happy to not be young anymore on a psychological level, but the body aging thing…not so fond of it. i get it nature. you are making it so we cannot stay attached. oh, people try with plastic surgery and such, but you can see see age anyhow. it does not work. why am i talking about this? partner longing fears, that is why. i think about how a strong motivation for partnership is to grow old with somebody. i desire the comfort and security of long term companionship. it’s not all about romance, passion, and feeling in love as an emotion. a large portion of my desire is rooted in the best friend aspect, having each other’s back, knowing each other so well, doing all the tasks as a team, journeying through old age together, being able to support one another and laugh, being able to be strong when he is weak and for him to be strong when i am weak. all that stuff. it’s an earth thing. mating is for earthlings, not multidimensional beings of light. this body wants her man by her side till death. there. i said it. maybe i do wanna get married. maybe my desire for philosophical freedom is less contextually relevant for the aging years ahead. maybe golden girls will happen too. friends can become life companions. what i am really wanting to say is….it feels wrong to be single at this point in my life. it just feels wrong. there are no more lessons to learn. self love, check. self worth, check. healing from the traumas, check. love for love and not void filling due to lack of love and worth, check. i am not perfect but i have mastered these areas pretty well. at this point i am just persevering. yet beyond the analytics is just the feeling. i know it in my heart because i feel it. being single feels wrong. now is the time for partnership in my life. whether it happens or not wont change the feeling. i don’t need to solve this dilemma. just expressing the feelings. annoying how people wanna think it’s always so equational. plenty of people find life long partners before they have learned to love themselves. plenty of innocent loving people go through horrors for no reason that is logical. syrian refugees are not creating their reality. concepts can only go so far. and speaking of new age annoyance, who said the universe does not have a sense of humor? i call bullshit. sense of humor is beneath it all, the core. what lame wizard decided to take away making humor out of pain, inducing fear in new agers by telling them that they will create more pain by joking? i am fed up with all religious and spiritual ideologies today…minus one. love is all. i work on myself and like a bad ass at that. i got this self growth thing down like a pro…but i am not gonna be naive and believe that i control everything with my vibration. that self growth will roll out the red carpet of everything i want happening. i co-create. people go through intense shit that is not in their control. period. ooh la, i have a bite this morning. scorpio intensity. shit cutting snark. not always gentle. today a grand water trine is happening in the sky. feelings matter today. i am not gonna try to make any of them go away. i may fear aging, but i fear not feelings. watching them as i feel them. space in the diving. finis.
slept hard and up early after a night filled with passionate longing stirring deep within, behind all of the talking and walking with a friend. when i got home i was on the kind of fire nothing can satiate but an equal lover. the desire was single pointed. what i did to express some fire alone was listen to music, sing, cry, and wear myself down with my own emotions overflowing. i feel i am flooding like the nile with all of this cancer sun, mercury, venus energy. the feelings are pure crystalline forces free of neurosis. discovering that nestled within the root of my shadow is a self loving little kid angry at her peers for seeing her as an ogre has liberated me. i thought the root was me feeling i am bad. to feel fully the shadow root as love denied…well…it fills me up with a natural confidence i never felt inside. not arrogance or an inflated put-on. just a natural feeling of belonging to this body and this world in present time. irony always guides (sorry to sound like a hipster). i needed to validate myself. self love is a real thing, a palpable thing. clients, friends, everyone i read tarot for gets so tired of hearing it. used to be me included until i surrendered to spiritual practice, understanding that self love requires physical effort every single day and progress tends to be slow. the palpable results are equivalent to eating fresh fruit on a hot summer day. self love swallows up absolutes the mind makes to make up for the lack of self love. it opens up the flow of grace inside and brings upon the mind a sense of tolerance and gentle approach. it is my way. does not take the restless longing away by any means. i have so much passion bursting inside these seams. a soulful passion that cannot be given to just anybody. luckily i have great friends to hang out with and summer to allow me to wander the streets until my body becomes exhausted. it’s all about exhausting the energy. i know i need to be creative. i have not painted in so long. nor have a written any poetry or fiction. the only creativity being expressed is in my yoga practice, but even that is becoming set and routined for now. school really opened up my creative productivity and summer break shows the waning. not sure why this is the case. perhaps i need more humanity mixing. more diversity. not always sameness. i don’t know. monkey mind. gemini moon. chatty and irrelevant notions. feels good to tap the keys. i am up so early that i feel the tapping ring through the empty silence of my building asleep. i probably could use another hour myself. this blog has turned dull as a knife that needs sharpening….
powerful weekend. sunday: breakfast with a lios friend brings deeper awareness. not only do i need to learn how to differentiate my energy among group, but i understood the leak, or reason why i lost myself at the last meeting. i was being visited by the devil archetype within, whom for me is quasimodo. i am teaching about the devil card tonight, so per usual, perfect timing. even though it’s been many years since i have experienced the shameful pariah feelings i used to experience in youth, at the last school conference that aspect came up from the unconscious and i did not recognize her. i only recognized the shy timid seven year old, not the ugliness and shame part. The ugliness and shame part is the devil, whom i call pan. it is the part of ourselves lodged deep in the unconscious where fear, shame, disgust, and forms of twisted lust dwell. my friend reminded me to be patient and accepting as this part comes up, and i felt that. this might be the first time i can face my inner devil without trying to push her away, change her, and pretend like she never happened. i don’t feel aversion to her. i am finally ready to be her friend. after the enlightening breakfast i walked to barjot hoping the owner would be there because his energy tends to unlock my writing block. i have been deeply blocked and i wanted to write a first person devil piece to read for the workshop. lucky me, he was there and fleetwood mac was playing loud (best music ever to write the devil piece to). the first draft came pouring out of me in a fury. i also felt the story of pan was returning to me. it is time to enter myth writing again. i cannot do healing work without the creative myth work. time to humble myself and return to the craft. writing the first draft exhausted me to such a degree i needed to come home and take a quick nap. next i went to pinebox to write a presentable draft to read for the workshop. take out the lengthier myth stuff, simmer it down to what is needed to understand the archetype. was great to talk with the bartender again and feel the old school vibe of the empty peaceful space. hadn’t been there in a long while. after i cleaned up the draft i wrote more from pan’s perspective. felt i could write for hours. i am so close to him inside. we are very dear friends. i understand him. again, taken down by fatigue from channeling i left in need of zoning out and crashing early to bed. saturday: great to work the counter with white cobra again. good times nostalgia unpacking stones. we hung out at solstice after, pulling cards, recommitting ourselves to writing. before hand talking a languid walk with katie through the rich people’s hood behind joe bar. the air felt tropical and cool on the skin. talked about the grand cross, letting go of rigid beliefs and patterns within. it all culminated for me sunday when i saw how i was still running from quasimodo and that it was this running from shame that shows up in unhealthy ways in my present life, mainly with losing myself. i literally get swallowed up by others without realizing it. now that i am committed to fully loving quasimodo, i know i will be able to transform this unhealthy pattern. i am healing the leakage so that i can remain whole. i am taking care of myself first, before others, my capricorn north node. by making myself strong, clear, and bright, i can provide for others. i am meant to be father not mother, in this lifetime. i am meant to provide knowledge and guidance, not care take. i am learning….
last night at work an old familiar feeling possessed me. i felt sad, scared, and overwhelmed all at once. i found myself longing to live near my blood family and feeling guilty for not being near them. as a rain storm pounded itself down outside the window, so did one inside my heart. i felt fear that the world was about to come crashing down, that the grid would go out, and a catastrophe would hit. i felt sad that i had to go home alone. i wanted to be rescued by a white knight. i wanted to go home and find refuge in our safe and solid home i could rely upon for years to come. tenderness and femininity flared strong in my blood. talked it all out with ruby as i observed the feelings. found refuge in spirit within and walked home in the pouring rain. my plan was to delve into “sex and the city” reruns to comfort myself, but soon after i started in on one episode the internet messed up. so i faced myself, crying out the feelings in silence while staring into the urban stormy night sky. i felt sorrow for my niece’s current trial even though i know she will triumph over cancer. i felt sorrow for everyone in my blood family. the sorrow was authentic and needed release. i longed for us to all be together living a village life, not separated…but reality has brought us to three different states and nobody is willing to live where the other makes home. why is life so challenging? i know why. i don’t need anymore why answers. just needed to cry and to feel it out of the body. i also felt gratitude that there was a huge umbrella to walk home under and that my family is filled with love through all of our various trials. i thought about my true love, whomever this man will be. i wanted him last night in that sensitive creature way. i wanted to cry into his chest until the storm passed. the sky played his role instead. i cried into the chest of night, finding comfort in the lit up building windows. the storm, both inside and out, finished in an hour maybe less. i felt replenished. i thought about the conversation at work. about “being on the other side of the slope” as i called it. hitting age 40, when you begin the downward slide toward death. it’s just a certain lens i am looking through here, seeing life as a large bell curve. how different it feels to be on this side of the curve. how drastically the flavor of life changed for me after turning 41. how often i think about death, aging, and family of blood and soul. how love becomes the most important thing because youth cannot dream into an endless future anymore. i know we can die at any time and my youth was dark, by no means was i living in any proverbial garden of eden as a young person. but still, i dreamed big and felt time to be endless, i did not worry for my family, or think about aging. it was a time all about my own healing and growth. a time of expansion only. oh, the bliss of ignorant youth, like a blip on the screen of infinity. i still feel young in spirit, timeless really…but my body shows all the signs of being on the down slope. life takes away our attachment to the physical on purpose and not just with aging. i can trip out on this. i am tripping out on this…on the temporal nature of everything physical. last night i dreamed about discontent. mine and certain friends. i observe how my mind is looking through a lens of unhappiness with the popping up of vulnerability last night. i am not going to try fix this like a super hero on crack. i am going to accept exactly where i am at and gently lead my mind back to balance with nourishment, like leading a stray horse to a greener pasture with gentle and wise love. no big deal. the longing in my heart for touch, earth, family, partnership, animals, cooking, gardening…it’s not a comfortable place for me to dwell. i am used to being the gypsy pitching city tents, single, plastic plates, quick meals, no pets, on the fly, living for the invisible, the creative, the visionary, the myth, for love as a state of being and not a solid tangible thing. i see my identity and release the grip on it. destiny is playing out, co-creating with my intentions. i will let karma be what it is and build with pragmatic step by step hands. i feel happy to be alive in all the stages of life. it’s taken me a long time to feel this way. i love my blood and soul family. i love this go-around as michelle. finis and infinity. some aspects end while other aspects live on forever…
grey slippery sky this morning. feel pretty clear inside and blanketed by its magic. may not know if it’s portland or seattle i will make home, but what i got is that it’s time to follow love, in the form of personal relationships. being a spiritual mother will never change, but it’s taken me the last decade to not over extend, lose myself in the job, getting my energy drained. it takes two to make a thing go wrong. always. just like it’s taken me years, up until just a few months ago, to not go after the man who gives me crumbs and withholds. it was me allowing it. doing things different is hard. i don’t speak the truth, but instead speak words that will protect me, and withhold. with work, i bluntly say i am not on duty. or cut the time right at 30 minutes and return to being a regular person. i don’t fantasize anymore. and my very fear has come true. i feared that if i did not foster the crumb giving connections, or give myself completely to others as a healer, i would wind up alone. and guess what…i did! but it’s not the type of alone i feared. it’s not forever alone. just a period of time alone. been in these periods before, but did not change my behavior, so when i entered people again, same pattern happened. at least with the men. i did learn, as a healer, how to be a spiritual father alongside being a spiritual mom, and this transformed the entire situation, along with gaining more self love. so i guess now… i am learning how to be a male lover. men are good at with-holding and not sharing how they really feel. they are great at being self absorbed too, and not considering the feelings of the other. i am only mirroring the same behavior, to those who mirror it to me. i am giving exactly what i receive to a t. it’s a strict protocol, to help me stop rationalizing the crumb giver. for you see, deep down, i must fear intimacy, hence, if i draw to me crumb givers, i never have to be close with a man sexually. in truth, rationalizing the crumb giver’s behavior is just my way of continuing to avoid real intimacy. cause real intimacy is not being in a relationship. you can be married for decades and be only slightly intimate with somebody, or you can be with somebody for one night, and experience deep intimacy. it’s not about time or labels… it’s about transparency, honesty, being yourself, sharing your body, heart, mind, soul, feeling safe, loved and close, giving and receiving equally. this is what i want, and the contrast of not experiencing it, shows me my desire. thank you, contrast. i always try to make connections happen too. the initiator. stopping that as well. this time, i am the magnet, not the rushing wave gushing into the morphogenic field of him, pouring my magic into his fearful heart. none of my tricks. coming out of the ashram means being accountable for my creations and coming into balance. walking into fear. two open hearts willing to be vulnerable, puts me in the clear to dive and thrive. willing to unveil the healer role and just be the woman with all her moods, the dork, the comedian, the shy girl with a sensitive heart, the sassy extrovert who gets her knees covered with dirt, the punk rocker, the introvert diving into the blues to pull out a painting or two, the existentialist over thinking, the mystic who travels the dimensions, and the record keeper intent on writing down the truth. all of that stuff. all of this me creature, alive for one time only.