babbling nothingness into venus talk…

blog is feeling so utterly boring these days. i know i need inspiration. i know i have been weary and going through the motions. my heart has been full, open, giving, loving and my equanimous mind is equanimous for the most part, i don’t want to be negative. only feeling a lack in fire, inspiration, creativity, passion. my jets are too cooled off. i need change. blah blah blah. i am sick of talking about myself, my movie, my narration. i am seeking the counter narrative. i am narrative hunting. i am laughing as i type this because i cannot escape my observer who feels more like a comedian this morning, more than any other archetype. i really have nothing to say but i am forcing myself to blog because it is my practice, to write each day in this forum. to keep the communication going. i am here to communicate, it is my purpose. this blog is my foundation. if i die today, those who know me can read my words going five years back now. sure, these blogs are not that revealing or detailed, but still, you can get the essence in a nutshell. dreams last night…were scattered, selling retail was a part of them. so glad to not be selling retail anymore. the sky is rich creamy blue this morning. not a blue sky blue, but a blue tint rinsing through yet another rainy day. maybe it’s winter continuing on like he always does in seattle. persistent with rain and clouds. don’t get me wrong, i love this city more than any city in this country. seattle is a soulmate city for me. she makes sense to who i am, so i accept her long-ass rainy persistent winters. that’s what you do when you really love somebody, you accept their flaws and the aspects you don’t like. i feel like i am crawling out of my own identity. i want newness so friggen badly. there is something powerful about staying grounded, being pragmatic, and doing things differently this time. i am different. no longer do thrills seek me, nor does living only in the now. the inspiration i crave is not a big spike upward and than a crash down to compensate, nor is is just going with the flow. i want to make something valuable and plan ahead. (weird, the planning ahead part) venus is about to go retrograde. a time to reflect upon what we value now. what do you value…now? as i reevaluate what i want in love (venus), i see how much i have changed. i don’t value romance to be set in stone, stars, already written, a soulmate through time. i don’t need that much from another. i feel this big difference between my soul and my animal self. my soul needs no romantic partner, though my animal self does. therefor, i am seeking a more pragmatically romantic relationship, where two animals share a life together, making life easier on each other, making life happier. sure, wounds and issues come up to heal when intimacy triggers the hardwired past. hard emotional work presents itself, it is what it is. you do it like you care take everything else in life. life is truly like, 70 percent care taking. i know i am a spiritual healer and… life is not all about healing and letting go. life is also about pleasure, inspiration, ease, sharing, experiencing. just putting some eggs in some baskets i have not tended to in a while. we are here not only for healing and growing, but just to be here, to experience life and being a person, to enjoy. it does not have to be so hard all the time. i know the world is crappy as all hell right now, not denying the intensity here. just bringing in a little balance. it’s all about balance…

the birth of venus….

tummy is almost better.  being sick allowed for time on the couch to contemplate how i feel.  to watch how my mind plays its movie reel.  to feel.  soul crying out for expansion and expression more than ever.  to sing, write, love, hold, root, climb, shed, reveal, rebirth.  watching how the demons work.  how they slip into negliges of pity, and hang out lustily in soft pink prison cells.  it’s true, like we were talking about on monday, that the more you let go, the harder the demons fight for their life.  because the demons are blind.  they don’t understand that they are nothing more than love denied.  they think their cause of keeping me imprisoned to pain is their real identity.  so much illusion to pierce with x-ray vision eyes.  trusting intuition and not the heady lies.  in order to remove a pattern.  the pattern of attracting unavailable love, the pattern of being too zoomed out and looking down from above, the pattern of you’re not good enough.  this week i made important decisions about slicing off every head of doubt, and refusing to listen to doubt’s story.  feminine fierceness.  sharp teeth and a deep growl sometimes is needed.  once i have completed this task, i will have more clarity on where i am going.  still, nothing makes sense.  but at least i moved out of the emptiness.  singing moves me out.  fuck i need out!  life is short.  i am holding on tightly.  let go.  life is long, one big karmic show lived one body at a time.  the silver sky washes my eyes clean of all i have ever known.  just keep burning rose incense.  lack of external validation is only a test.  everything is like star wars in a different dress.  my heart is a place of rest at least.  in here, inside michelle, is a shell, birthing venus….

new moon mutterings on friday…

letting die what needs to be dead.  the story, the wound, the pattern, the projection, the karma…all burning up inside the color red.  new moon leo fire, burning up what no longer serves, until there’s nothing left.  are you aware of your karma?  the tapestry you’ve been weaving underneath the external events conceived by unconscious intent?  making the unconscious conscious.  it might look like i have been hurt in this life, but what from the last life caused this?  and then, let that go too.  let go of making logical sense of it all.  let go of the mental yapping.  suffering on over drive for so many in this world right now.  not enough justice, too little food and clean water, be it a psychological prison in the west, or a lack of physical needs being met in the east, the wound is continuing to repeat, and i know now, that the more i let go of my stuff, the better use i am to everybody.  the divine feminine needs to stop sacrificing herself for others.  she needs to love herself and define herself from love, so she can burst into the world from the heart of every man and woman, to make it better.  love.  this is real true love.  healing the world by healing the self.  but let me climb down from that passion.  let this body empty on out.  dreaming of mountains again.  waking up at 3 am to watch lightning.  aware of the needs and wants striking inside.  wishing to dip deep into the divine as poetry, oblivion.  ah, well, let that go too.  every desire is air through mesh.  yet, this flesh burns like venus.  both it shall be till the end of time.  it’s the libra in me.  always both.  two streams.  two perspectives.  two dreams.  i don’t center in one.  i center in two.  divine he and she.  divine me and you.  all one is all two.  three is the me seeing the two that sprung from the one.  all thoughts extrapolate and come undone.  now i am just writing to write.  lack of sleep last night.  feelings coursing through in blue lily storms.  psychic visions and thin veil hikes through the dimensions.  nothing to write about here, though i wish there was.  want the blog poetry to return.  it is what it is.  the sky is milky today.  a soft new moon.  leo with her fake white fur coat on in summer’s prime…playful use of the weirdo divine…

thursday, that’s all…

“letting go of me so that a new me can be born….the more you can stay in that place of nothingness, the more you are allowing the divine spirit intention to do the forming, do the shaping, do the creating, do the renewing…and then you re-emerge.”…tom lescher’s words from the last pele report…he says we are getting ripped wide open, and it’s scary times…and the more we can just live…release, be vulnerable, open, allow, accept, and connect, that there’s new impulses and a new charge coming in to bring in a new world and an opportunity for a new identity and new creation…uranus is helping and it’s all about venus making it happen.  boy am i am feeling it.  keep seeing the metaphor in my head of an oyster left on a busy sidewalk without a shell.  calling out for my heart’s desire but forced to let desire go at the exact same time.  dreamed of looking up at a huge mountain last night, with little houses built inside the mountain, and me desiring to climb up to be in one, as if the mountain was the only place i wished for.  then i am in a tiny plane, rising up up up, very afraid, but i let go of the fear and accept that i will be ok.  talk about metaphors.  finally slept for nine hours and feel back to myself.  the empty version.  so empty.  forced to let go of a connection i want to grow.  not projecting any wounds onto anyone, because i am letting the wounds go.  showing up on the mat, reducing the calories of fat, spending a ton of time alone, staring out the window, not talking too much about any of it, writing pages of a character, giving readings to clients, venus speaking to me, telling me to tell them, it’s all about choice.  choice.  real live in the flesh choosing.  what do you choose?  who do you choose?  how do you choose?  i know i choose love, and that’s about it.  i choose love in every moment.  i choose to treat people with respect.  i choose to feed and nourish, nurture and replenish, trusting the flow of life, as fear beats in my heart like butterfly wings inside of a treasure chest.  the dream of love in my heart set against the backdrop of solitude.  who will the new me be, i wonder?  let go of the versions in my head.  let the pain of the past become dead.  write poetry instead.  living in a studio apartment like a tent.  ready to pack up and go at any moment.  ready to pounce.  ready to grow.  heart squeezed of all of it’s past juices.  the pele report talks about making another descent into the underworld this week.  shit dawg, i live there.  i am ereshkigal.  need a tour guide?  aint no big thing.  i have been sprawled out, emptied and steeping in the hot broth of nothingness, time and time again.  would be nice to walk up to the middle plains, and better yet up that mountain, naked, pores scrubbed clean, to feel the crisp winds caressing my skin.  but ok, i hear you, oh messenger of the stars i trust, and shall stew in the hot broth of emptiness longer, so uranus can do his thing.  i shall sing the chalisa each day during this hot season, and speak poetry out loud into my video camera until my voice gets real good at being authentically dramatic.  i have been inspired.  read “the love song of j. alfred prufrock” out loud last night over and over, working on my voice coming from heart.  this might be my favorite poem on earth.  yes, it’s sad and about growing old, but i don’t care, i love it.  not everything i love must resonate with my belief systems, which are just belief systems anyways, and don’t fucken matter.  i love poems that speak to my heart, that’s all.  i love people who speak to my heart, that’s all.  i got a bhakti heart, that’s all.  i fall in love, that’s all.  i love what doesn’t speak to my heart too, that’s all.  love is all encompassing, that’s all.  sprawl me on a pin, as ts elliot says, that’s all.  soon i will be dead, that’s all.  my spirit will be set free by love, that’s all.  and so the day goes, yoga, work and then the night…it’s gonna be alright, i am gonna sing…that’s all.

awakening venus on a monday….

jet, copper, moonstone, garnet, apatite, herkimer diamond, andalusite.  venus.  passion.  love.  intuition.  heart.  dangling yin lifts herself from the cliff hang, up to the mountain peak.  lonely feminine sings her mantra as sure as the dogwood blossoms on repeat.  tired thigh muscles.  answering how i am.  walking through the nightmare that is the hill, bringing a good dream into the main cam.  when ruby leaves down so does a piece of my optimism.  so connected to everybody.  woke up this morning thinking about how all humans, and all individuated life forms, are cells to a larger organism.  the russian doll analogy.  so when the larger organism changes, each one of us changes, and that’s how we all relate.  and why i put up facebook posts talking about my process, to help people with their process.  sick of the word process.  bluckhhhh.  can all therapy words wash down the drain?  oh bitter taste, i love you.  you see renewal, that’s all.  rebirth.  a hearth fire.  warm hands holding yours.  hairy arms pulling you close and tight.  stop nit picking the words the way pigeons pick up their tired crumbs.  you do feel like a pigeon sometimes.  i know.  city life.  but all my power points are here, and all down the west coast line.  this is living brightly.  colorado and new mexico look good too, astrologically.  last time i lived in new mexico was what the locals said it would be.  karma spit me out.  i undid my destiny in a labyrinth and journeyed to the underworld.  it was the one place i was successfully vegan.  and the beauty was profound.  good and bad, up and down.  like pantanjali says, be non-afflicted by opposites.  ok.  ready, set, go.  the sun is dominant, and heat strong.  i tuck away my warrior jacket.  from durga to venus i slide.  into a new costume and animal to ride.  for it is time to embrace being the lover.  summer lover, happened so fast.  a head full of references.  doubts like little kids, swinging on a tire, carefree.  this moment is not my property.  here for a limited time only.  second half of my life on the horizon.  let go and love it with juicy teeth and freckles like a galaxy.  electric blue lights up the sky this morning.  venus fully awake and shining through.  the larger russian doll body has forgotten the dreams of her long night’s sleep.  like twenty six thousand years, to us cells….we can now press delete.

mercury as a backwards poem….

feeling another layer peel off.  snake shed.  molting.  dissolving into more love.  call it what you will….and at the same time….venus is rising.  rising like a golden tether to every soul and giving tugs, saying, “let go of the old way of identifying with me and be open to what is new in the realm of who and how and what you love, because there’s a big costume shift happening.”  feeling doses of magnetism ignite at work.  suddenly everyone’s coming in for their soulmate stones.  soulmate feelings.  venus…rising.  obsession with andalusite, feeling it girdle me to earth.  higher self here, or whatever you wanna call it.  a mandala, a soul….the one.  etc.  (words words words, costumes, costumes, costumes.)  this blog is a poem.  no thoughts at face value.  soaking in krishna das, bees wax candle, plum blossom, the emperor, osiris….while i, isis sit uncomfortable in her chrysalis, becoming venus, the winged insect.  winged insects.  butterfly.  angel.  dragon.  bird.  what else has wings?  i could fly in the sky and nest on the edge of a branch.  i could sing every single dawn, for the rest of my life.  and then some.  copper and rose quartz.  the stones are taking over.  gaia, dear soul…remember when you were geb?  masculine earth?  remember?  so attracted to that, because i am nut, the female sky, wanting to blanket you in my starry night.  geb, where are you?  osiris?  i cannot do it for anything less. rather be alone.  it’s easy.  solitude, my best friend, cause solitude is hanging out with my best invisible friends.  ohm tara.  saraswati iam.  jai hanuman.  maharaji sorry i cuss so much.  isis put the cherry on top.  michael, clear the negative energy.  gaia, i am here to listen, tell me everything.  mu, pan, love, nectar, mystery, wonder, pain, suffering…the gamut.  give me the gamut…

bubbling mercury retrograde…

brrr.  so cold in my apartment.  the colored lights help.  yellow and purple, blue and red.  music pouring through.  guess who?  yep, still krishna das.  purifying in the ashram.  creative spewing.  chewing on this karma fat and spitting it out over a hot fire rising in the night, reminding me of the savage percolating within.  animal.  wolf wailing to the moon.  venus pours through the crown all warm.  copper waterfalls down.  the heater ticks, my little electric creature.  not channeling this week.  oh well.  phases.  don’t take it personal.  mu will return after these messages.  want to learn how to make beer to see if i like it.  want to sing with a friend playing acoustic guitar, and harmonize with him, like i used to back in the nineties…when staying up all night drinking coffee and writing a song was the most fun thing.  cept now maybe it’d be yerba mate.  a bit tired of being aware.  anais nin called it oblivion.  she craved it.  and she found it in mexico.  her oblivion.  maybe i need some too.  to dive so deeply into life, awareness vanishes.  so in the moment, even the observer is gone.  which isn’t the same thing as not being present.  because the former is spirit (the observer) playing the Fool and diving into ego (self), forgetting from whence it came and where it’s going….while the latter is the ego and spirit dissociated from one another.  feeling the cravings of spirit, longing to forget itself by being me, losing its memory of origin, allowing the human moment to be truly all that exists.  this is spirit’s poetry.  every wound is an epic quest.  and each joy a golden rest.  gold sheen obsidian, are you doing the talking?  was tested earlier too today at work.  challenged.  learned i can deflect even the most seductive of shadows and not allow empathy to drag me in.  aversions serve a purpose.  strange world this is, humans glittering with complexities in the form of perspectives weaving tapestries that mirror nature in every way, and then some.  k, time to go, and i just want you to know, i love you.