awakening, limited time, and desire…

last night i cried for difficult aspects of living.  aging and the loss of vitality, illness, death.  i wanted to be held and cry into the chest of a compassionate man, admittedly.  it was one of those vulnerable cries, where i feel the fragility of being human, empathizing the sorrow of loss in those i love.  when the tears hit, they were filled with fear and also the strongest desire to not see those i love, suffer.  there was a point in the crying where my usual head tape played, “life is too much for me to handle.”  i caught the sentence in my net of awareness, looked at the statement, and questioned it.  what’s too much?  the answer came in swift.  the emotions are too much.  so i looked at that.  emotions.  what are they.  i have always referred to emotions as weather passing through, and chemical storms.  reminds me of the song “you always take the weather, everywhere you go.”  this is true.  the weather inside of us is a mirror for the weather of the planet.  feelings come and go, when they are expressed, and only calcify into depression or other static states, when repressed or avoided.  once i realized my emotions were what felt overwhelming to me, and not life itself, i stopped feeling overwhelmed as the tears made their way out of my body.  for me, reason usually brings calm and clarity.  so does painting.  and so does my spiritual connection.  i feel my connection to the gods, goddesses, and other-worldly beings that i commune with, whom are not eternal like oneness itself…though they live for thousands and thousands of years, and are connected to oneness in such a way, they do not feel separate.  these beings comfort me tremendously.  thinking about my family tree autobiography project for school, i remember the year when i transcended past my bloodline, as the source of my identity’s home.  it was an awakening.  i did not seek it out, it sought me out.  in a flash of lightning, i remembered my star lineage and connected to a larger version of me.  i went from being a human named michelle, to being a multidimensional being of light having many experiences, including being michelle.  after this awakening, i connected to mother earth as my larger mother, and she became my guiding force.  this awakening was a visceral full body experience, not a belief i chose to have.  if anyone is resistant to beliefs without experience, it would be me.  beliefs that are chosen to try to reduce the complexity of life to simple ideas, in order to digest fear, is not my style.  my spiritual awakening changed my life, for whatever it means outside of being human.  maybe i have been given a living metaphor to help me understand.  no need to cling to literal interpretations.  point being, when it happened, no longer did i feel all of myself as michelle.  the awakening restored me to a sense of wholeness, plugging me back into the universe, rewiring my dna.  this happened when i was 23.  youth of the body still mine.  now that i am 43, i feel the vulnerability of aging.  i see it in those i love.  when i tap into it, such as last night, i feel time slipping away from me.  i want to pin time down.  i don’t want me as michelle, and those i love as who they are in this life, to end or lose health.  i feel deeply attached to this lifetime.  the hour glass is ever present.  this awareness stokes my hunger for all i want to experience while michelle.  true love being perhaps, top of the list, as i have yet to express this with anybody, and so the hunger is hungrier…a desire to create a deep soulful lifemate bond.  the second large desire, is to bust old systems/paradigms/illusions down, transforming and awakening myself and others, back to our birth right of love, peace, and understanding.  the third major desire, in my holy creature trinity, is to express myself creatively.  i must make art, or i die.  finis.  last night i dreamed i wound up in france, but only for a few hours, wondering what i could experience before i needed to head back home.  limited time showing up again.  the feeling of being in a different country sticks with me this morning.  i am craving that too, travel is another strong desire…

long monday blog about identities and creation….

right before i woke up, i dreamed that i was in large auditorium sized class about writing, taught by somebody who looked and felt like anais nin, but it wasn’t.  i had acquired a wooden slab, which in the dream was the “writing paper” of the olden days, like 1700’s maybe.  the teacher commented on my use of the slab instead of regular paper, in a way that was pleasing…but i seemed to wander off from the class just as she was speaking to me, and found myself walking through dark hallways in a mammoth, again old-world type of building.  next, i open a door, and walk into a huge auditorium size room filled with important men having a political meeting.  it felt like i walked into a world summit gathering happening in the 18th century.  i woke up in a state of awe…

before i went to sleep i fell down the rabbit hole, through having a discussion with my friend about the world, and all of the sadness and abuse in it.  my heart was already in a sad place because i realize just how much i live in my head and that real life is not the same as what i want to be happening.  i think this might be a prerequisite for a writer, to live in their head…but it’s not fun each time i wake up to reality’s difference.  another friend speaks about there being no difference between reality and one’s head, and i see his point too.  we are all living in our heads.  i mean, we can only process this thing called reality through our thinking, which is purely subjective with no escape of it.  if there is an objective truth, we will never know it as humans because we are feeling bodies with senses and a brain that interprets, and so it is.  but my slant on the topic is much more about what i feel, think and know within, not matching what happens in the outside world of my life.  for instance, my feelings are not matched, that i have for somebody.  or my life purpose is dammed up by reality’s constraints, etc.  this sort of thing.  like, i feel and think one way and reality shows me the opposite. i don’t think this is too uncommon…

there are times when i am steeped in my star-self, and i radiate outward the truth, in an emotional form that transforms and inspires everybody around me, awakening love and hope in human hearts.  and then there are times when i am an existential observer, reflecting upon all of the fragmented madness humans create.  i turn everything into a depressing play in my mind, like “waiting for godot”.  this might be my father’s blood running through me, as he is a philosophically minded existentialist, and we’ve had many grim conversations about the state of humanity.  it’s the part of him in me, coursing through the bloodline, that made me fall in love with the book and musical “les miserables” too, and this reminded me of my dream last night.  it was very les mis-y.  this aspect of me is so different than my starseed self who zaps limiting paradigms with her violet flame wand, filling the world up with unconditional love….

i think when i get sad and start to feel deflated like a flower without water, i default into the existentialist.  then i pick myself up again, and transform back into the inspired starseed who invents new realities with the flick of her wrist.  these two aspects of me take turns responding and reacting to being this creature named michelle.  the existentialist is a humanitarian with the potential to risk her life for the greater good, but because she’s sad about all the suffering, she can also easily give up.  the starseed sees reality as illusion, feels the illusion, and is the magician who understands the deeper meaning behind the suffering of the world…she is stronger than the pain, and transform’s darkness into light, turning black and white realities into multi-colored light shows.  she’s more the truth evolving, where as the existential aspect of me is reactionary to hurt….

well…these are some insights.  they might be boring to you who does not even know me.  but maybe i will inspire you to see your own aspects within.  awareness is the key to creating your life and making it a work of art, verses reacting to life and allowing fate to shape it because you remain submissive to the forces that be.  we all have the choice which reality we attune to.  think of it like many songs on the frequency radio of life.  which one do you want to play?  i want to play the frequency of my star-self.  though i honor the existentialist too, i think she’d be better of turned into a relic, perhaps like the slab in my dream…a little bit of beautiful and poetic nostalgia.  reality may not mirror what i feel, but i must not give up!  anyway, gonna do yoga now and slip into nothingness, take a break from the starseed and the existentialist….and dive into being breath, where distinctions are not important…

meta-babble on a tuesday of solitude…being the fool…

it’s interesting to hold feelings with deep contrast in my heart.  (this is the libra moon.) feeling deep bhakti devotion to mother earth, as a sentient being, how she is becoming a star, how my love for her pulled me here into a human being, to be a love anchor for her process…that i am here for her, that i am her devoted priestess.  this feeling fuels me because it’s pure love to such a degree i cannot put words to the feeling.  it’s what krishna das and maharaji open up in my heart.  it’s what christ opened in my heart years ago.  yes, i said christ.  don’t you know i love jesus?  sure, i don’t like religion at all, think it’s all man-made, not into the bible, think that is man-made too, even if there might be some good parables in it, my aversion to all religion is what it is.  but i will openly admit, just as maharaji is an avatar of hanuman, i feel jesus was an avatar of hanuman too.  i don’t separate.  hanuman is the man-god, the direct manifestation of oneness into a human form.  a creative act.  it’s people who turn avatars into doctrines and start anthropomorphizing god into a being in the sky, creating rules and regulations and rituals, that’s all the human-made, made up part.  and avatars are not better than us, they are us.  we are all one.  they are just a different creative expression.  all forms are creative expressions. these are not my beliefs either.  beliefs are intellectual.  this is my direct experience.  i experience mother earth, pleaidians, andromedans, the immortals, the fey, ghosts, christ, demons, etc etc.  if i did not experience them i would not believe in them.  that’s me.  a direct experience kinda gal.

so anyhow, mamma earth, hanuman, saraswati, kd, baba, all have opened my heart into bhakti waterfalls of love i am immersed in right now.  not in any showy way.  you could not tell looking at me.  in fact, i cannot seem show much right now.  due to this uranus-pluto square happening, i feel very detached and observant, and wanting to be alone.  my feeling body is bhakit but unemotional at the same time.  there’s a big difference for me, between feeling and emotions.  emotions are reactive and passionate.  feelings are like a vibration, a river, a current, a constant.  when i do feel my emotions as of late, i feel disgruntled.  it’s winter.  it’s the hanged man.  lessons.  karma releasing.  needing solitude to do the work,  seeing the identifications i need to release.  releasing the “torn” identification about being a “healer” and being all “things”, and instead, being the fool.  showing up however i show up.  the fool is unencumbered by titles.  feel this fool current the strongest.  in yoga this is apparent as well.  for i feel no “good” emotion when i deeply get into a stretch, or “bad” emotion when i struggle, and i am not bench marking any sort of progress.  just sorta watching myself go through the flow and going through the flow.

needing silence.  not wanting to swing too much into either direction of existence, be it full expression or nothingness.  not needy for a partner or recognition or “the things” of the world, in whatever form.  until i really want “a thing” and watch the emotion rise, do the work to release, all through heart opening.  back to peace.  peaceful and moody at once.  moody due to the karmic release part.  though learning, that to let go without struggle happens by simply letting go.  not for any reason.  there is no hierarchy.  reasons come second to the spontaneous flow of creation happening in the moment.  we are eternal children.  feeling this innocence.  the fool.  there is aversion too, for sure.  aversion to intellectualism.  aversion to hierarchy.  feeling the pleaidian vibe so hard core. wanting to bust systems down down down.  feeling them on their ships just a little ways out, in the sky.  feeling not only their consciousness, but their physical presence, in body, with us.  it’s the most comforting feeling.  they are a home.  i know this blog is not really relatable.  i don’t think i write these blogs to relate.  i think i write to share, that’s all.  i could sit in a cave and send out writings and be content.  whatever it is, it’s gonna be.  drinking matcha green tea.  the workshop last night for sure opened my third eye.  it was a soul retrieval.  basking in the aftermath of feeling a part returned, i did not know i had abandoned.  been tripping on time.  it’s not linear in essence, so the michelle-me can easily split off from a me 10,000 years ago.  and those who seeded the human race many eons ago, can just become part of our human history now, when time lines merge….even though they took part in earth humanity’s creation.  everything is possible.  everything happens.

this makes me feel bhakti more.  the vastness seduces.  i zoom out even farther, past all of my multi-dimensional selves, into the emptiness i am at the core, to oneness…feeling that as a river current within, and watching all the light bodies and flesh bodies fall into the sea and become not….within mind’s eye.  the ride is a continual movement.  i zoom back into physicality and know it’s a mission to commit to being gaian.  to being an earth human fully.  to honoring this creative act, attachment, and devoting to taking the ride with mother earth, being her anchor and voice.  it was she who called me here.  bhakti is fearless. devotion rises like snakes in the seat of this body.  alive alive alive.  till alive no more.  but always alive.  the never ending open door…

Pisces Full Moon Stream…

It’s kind of funny to call my tarot clients “clients”.  They don’t feel like clients.  They feel like fellow travelers on the path, kindred, aspects of myself, and I am aspects of them.

We are all one, literally.  I feel this literally.  And I am not doing this work for any other reason other than to reflect what they need to see within themselves.  And to be expected, like clockwork, I see myself reflected doubly back.

I am careful not to project my stuff onto them, by leaving myself at the door when I begin a reading.  But I don’t mean to say I am channeling someone else.  It’s more like, I am leaving little me at the doorstep, so Big Me can come through to speak truth.

Truth being, what is true to essence…not contorted, no exploited…not out of tune…not wrong or off.  This true to essence truth courses through my mind, getting distilled by my heart, and unleashes from my mouth like a waterfall gushing onto a a bed of green grass and fat grey rocks.

The information can change at any moment, because we can change at any moment.  But at the same time, there are also constants.

What can change is the course itself.  What cannot change is the outcome.  For what is written is written.  This is not to mean our fate is sealed.  And yet it is.  To live in between the ideas of a sealed fate and free will, is to live where guidance has tea with possibility.  It’s to understand without knowing.  And to live without caring about right verses wrong, cause it’s not about that.

It’s about being true to essence.  Which comes back to truth.  And truth is a verb more than a noun, and needs continual freedom to change.  Making almost everything I say able to be voided out at another date in time.

But at the same time not. Because there are constants.  Such as who you love.

We don’t choose who we love.  Love chooses us.  Love called us into being human, into being at all.  Love is carving out constellations from the black sea of the Universe and our nervous systems.  Love is life living.  Love is a beast, a bread slice, and a bowl.  Love is discovered.  Love is.

Who we love is not up to us.  And this is why every relationship reading has its set karma that cannot be changed.  Only the course can be changed.  Only what form of relationship you will manipulate out of the time you are given to feel the love.  But the love itself, is unable to budge.

It leaves open choices to make about how to best be true to the essence.

Every time you realize a pattern of yours that does not feel true to the essence, but instead feels more like an out of tune piano driving you nuts with discomfort…you know that you will also draw to you a person to love, who can live out that pattern with you in the realm of experience.  This person is your karma, and you two are magnets living out the same pattern of dissonance…which is always created from lack of love.

But the paradox is, there is no such thing as lack of love…so it’s more like the illusion of lack of love creating the illusion of an out of tune pattern making your life sorely uncomfortable, on repeat.

In a reading, this always shows up.  So you can find the pattern within yourself and heal it by recognizing it, and giving it back to Love, which is akin to throwing water on the wicked witch, watching her dissolve like she was never there to begin with.

Amazing…how Love makes illusions reveal themselves and vanish at the exact same time.

I have dissolved and am dissolving my illusions with Love, as I write this.  I am letting Love in.  I am returning myself back to true essence, back to Love.

So anyhow…by doing this, you call to you… True Love.  True Love is about many relationships, not just the romantic partner one.  It’s about friends, self love, energy, and soul family.

True Love is the romantic partner that grows who you are, and you grow who they are, and the love is fun, and unconditional, and devoted, and sexual, and lets itself change as it will without the need to possess it because it is already complete, already married.  Though having a marriage ritual is cool too.  It’s a romantic notion steeped in poetic desire.

Sexually, as human creatures, we desire to make an everlasting bond out of our sexual relations.  We do with friends too though.  Friends for life, right?  And with blood family, well, that can’t be altered, it’s blood.

A part of us craves the eternal, the immortal, the everlasting.  We are drawn toward the polar opposite of temporary because both exist, and yet we are born into temporary bodies and this trips us out hard core.  The sorrow, the anguish,  The let down.  But also, the beauty.  The beautiful sad.  Keeps us longing for the invisible eternal.  God.  Goddess.  Source.  The Other.  Love.  Energy.  Whatever you call the mysterious feeling you feel when you feel…it all…

I pour myself tall glasses of water every morning.  But there’s no right way to be.  You can pour thimbles of Kool-Aid if you like, and check out when needed.  You can believe whatever you want and see what that makes your life do.

You can shed all beliefs and feel your way into the moment, allowing your mind to be more reflective.

You can marry or not marry a person, an idea, a way of life.  You can create whatever structure you want, to feel safe.  And you can take those structures down when you want.

You choose your course, and discover why it ended the way it did, right there in the middle of free will and sealed fate, realizing….

They are the same from different modes of perception…

Because you are you, you are god, you are me, you are everything, you are an individual soul, you are energy dreaming being an individual soul, you are inter-dimensional thought form, you are extraterrestrial, you are spirit, you are body, you are the earth, and you are the sea…

You are nothing in particular, when there are no eyes to see, and that’s why all answers apply, and every reason has it’s place as star in the sky of understanding why…and yet at the very same time…an objective reality is putting perimeters around these words and laughing at me sweetly, teeth glittering like pyrite.