free flow #11

so many emotions and moods coming and going at rapid pace right now with the race won and the parallel reality coming undone and all the stuff going on in my own life. i keep rolling like a rolling stone in the ocean through every feeling and mood. most inspiring interview with dan yesterday. listening to his memories of capitol hill made me wanna cry even though in my mind i was a cool mountain breeze. then awakened an old dream of integration on the hill. a way for community to build and come together. he brings this out in me. an inspiration i feel in his presence. cause soon after i left it deflated and i fell back into feeling displaced. why? i seek stars. i seek light. i seek to find others as passionate as me to innovate the system. i seek creative adaptive challenges born from the broken heart. my heart was broken so long ago. by the time i was nine i was cussing like a trucker. it’s the way of this realm and the law of this land currently to feel the breaking of the heart to let the light come in. sat in the corporate atrium after the inspiring interview and ate a salad as my feelings deflated. all around me business as usual, business suits, starbucks. the usual. all around me the flatlands of the collective soup. disconnect. i come back home and become obsessed with researching the native roots of this land. the duwamish people who still are not recognized by our government as a tribe. the treaty passed in 1855 that the settlers did not live up to. chief seattle a benevolent man and his daughter, princess angeline who sits in my heart like stone right now. they did not go to live with other tribes on other reservations. she became christian and lived in a shack by the sound among the newly growing pike place market. this. punctures my heart with light. she let people photograph her for a dollar. and her sweet father, he protected the european settlers and taught them how to live with the land. he protected them from the very war the settlers caused to make the natives fight against one another when the treaty wasn’t honored. he was loving to the end. they took advantage of him and they let him live in seattle proper, after kicking out the rest of the natives from their homeland. the power of place. seattle is named after him. princess angeline is buried on capitol hill. i feel her. i need to visit her grave. i am moved into silence where many feelings dance at once in a grand ballroom. sorrow, hope, faith, love, fear, worry, confusion, inspiration. all the of the above. this is all going into a conflict paper i am writing….somehow. somehow i must land this stormy chaos into nine pages of order. somehow i must make intellectual sense of this for graduate school. somehow i must make the bridge. angeline made the bridge. she took after her father. i take after my father too. this land is feeling more like home to me as the years go by and i don’t know if i will leave it. seattle, i am in love with you.

lil didi bout jane and the glow worm…

seattle is consistent in how she expresses opposite weather on the daily. yesterday was sunny with clear skies and cleansing winds. today is rainy, misty, foggy, and grey. tomorrow will most likely be not rainy or sunny, but a strange mix. in the winter sometimes, she will go days or even weeks into a grey rain, just as in summer she will be hot and sunny, often for months. fall and spring is when she expresses polar extremes on the daily. it’s like jumping into a cold pool after a hot spring. it’s boosting my emotional immune system, being able to jump from sunny yang to moonlit yin on the daily. by the way, i am calling my emotional body a glow worm because a glow worm was born into my belly last week and it’s some form of awakening of my emotions. makes sense in how i process, through image and right brained metabolizing. the glow worm caught somebody else’s sadness yesterday afternoon, not sure who, could have been just floating in the air with this thin veil. it glommed onto my inherent sorrow and the two tangoed me right onto the couch for a crying spell. cass caught on and validated what i was beginning to feel. i did a cleansing and the sorrow of the other lifted. i was left with only my own,which i can work with. me and the glow worm played house as i procrastinated working but really, it’s not procrastinating, it’s a building swell. by evening i was in a productive yang mode again. back to the ordinary. i tell you what, not being forced makes it harder because still, my inclination it to forever explore my insides like a traveller, with nothing else to do but that. it’s a double edged sword living in this american culture. on the yuck, we are forced to prove ourselves through these set expectations. degrees, papers, tests, internships. on the sunny side, this trains a person to really be present and good at the service they are providing. i rebel inside because my learning style is so different than what i am being asked to do in order to get the letters to get the degree to be legitimate. but i do it anyway because i discovered that being a misanthrope led to my demise. in this life i am meant to infiltrate and penetrate the system. i am meant to hold contradictions. on the positive side, i am pushing past my own sense of can’t, which truly is learning, so it all works out in the end. on the yuck side, time runs out each day and how i long to be spending it another way. you see? hot spring, cold pool. sunny day, rainy day. the tension between opposites. i see myself as jane, swinging from vine to vine, becoming an acute acrobat of this world, carrying in my heart the divine. i feel so alive.

persona dreams and pan’s tears…

when i think about living in the u-district i feel calm. i feel a sense of home. maybe because i lived there before? or maybe because of a simply a feeling. i realize i don’t have to move to the east side where everything feels so unfamiliar and strange. this progress of thought feels deeper than logic. it feels like my heart is able to attune more to what i truly need as a creature. this may be progress from the jungian work i have been doing with myself. speaking of…yesterday i read most of an entire book on jungian dream interpretation and theory, gobbling it down like it was a delicious meal. one aspect that stuck in my brain was about persona dreams, which are dreams about the persona shifting. the persona is the part of the ego consciousness that relates to the world in a social context. our social mask and identity. first the idea of it stood out in my brain and then i had a persona dream last night. it was awesome! in the dream i was in a classroom of sorts, as a student. the teacher said out loud to the whole class something about me true (of which i cannot remember) followed by, “and michelle also looks old and she’s gaining weight.” as soon as she was finished talking i said back, “the first part you said was true but i don’t look old and i am not gaining weight, in fact, i have been losing weight lately.” i cannot remember when or how but i also think i told her to fuck off. this was clearly a powerful persona shifting dream that stems from childhood roots of being the outcast or bad. this dream tells me that i have overcome some damage done. my persona is standing up for myself to authority. my persona is being self loving and self protecting. i learned so much about dream analysis from that book, but i think i need to read it again as soon as a finish. there is a lot of heady language to absorb into the heart. i also want to note that after meeting with a friend yesterday and sharing my story of merging with pan, then reading the jung book afterward, i had more realizations. the first one is that by merging with pan i merged with an archetype in the collective unconscious, which is always the deeper root beneath the personal unconscious. this is very cool to me. though i have been warned not to get overly fascinated by the archetype itself and to stay focused on the psychological implications of the merging. in doing that i see and feel a siphoned archetypal animus return to me. though pan is also a shadow archetype, very misunderstood and ostracized by the patriarchy, just like i was a child. no wonder. anyhow, in merging with him i am noticing how good it feels to let out human emotions, to be a creature, to get out of the head, to simply express. last night i cried my eyes out for everything all at once. there were no distinctions of why. no head. only tears for the world and me and everyone. tears unleashing while listening to sad songs loudly with headphones on. music and crying felt like soul food, not like something bad or wrong was happening. i cannot explain why, but i knew it was pan in me doing the crying, after all these years of being externalized away from me. i slept like an infant and then had that cool dream. becoming more whole brings me a feeling of joy just to be alive. i feel held by myself. i feel self generating. i feel complete. onward…

rowing my canoe gently through the dream….

yesterday we were cats who rested, stretched, and ate from morning until our heads hit the hey. the rain was coming down, sky deep heavy grey, wind blowing. i had a case of emotional pms, feeling extreme levels of tenderness and fear for the harshness of the world. we shared some chardonnay in the afternoon. how’s that for bougie? but we did it our style, in the quiet of my studio soaking up rain, talking about a myth that comes through my head. i finally shared with her the entire myth, which first came to me in her bedroom fifteen years ago while looking at pictures of angel statues she took in europe. maybe i was in a trance, cause i hardly remember it. afterward her message to me was a reminder again, this is the story i need to write. how i will find the space and time with grad school i don’t know, but her words stuck with me. she wanted me to buy a tube of purple paint that was the color of purple mu because i said once i painted purple mu it would be time to write the myth down. but when we entered the art store i felt detached from it again. defense mechanism? not being ready? both? timing is everything and i do feel some defense around writing this myth down. after all, it’s been three years and counting since i knew i must do it, and still the words only come out in various chunks. she can be a mirror for me because i see her resisting her creative calling just the same. we both made a commitment not to resist anymore. she is going to go home and paint. it was a powerful day that we needed to imbibe supine inside a gravity laden rainstorm. were we uncovering our creative calling within a rain globe being shaken by a larger being? maybe. night time turned silly with snap chat voice changing hilarity. finding humor in trump’s ridiculousness. humor being a salve to the pain. once again back to the tenderness and fear of this realm. watching the feelings rise and subside in strong waves. if you can bring love to every feeling and situation alongside the rational explanation of why it is happening which stems from wisdom gained, there can be an emotional even keel always on the inside. this emotional even keel, for me, is being connected to spirit. this is the fruit i have gained from my practice. the fearful tenderness experienced yesterday, i was able to feel and bring love to, understand and explain. for beneath those feelings sang the equanimous spirit on her canoe floating down life that is a dream. even when i released twenty years of repressed sorrow in a tsunami of tears at my last educational conference, i was able to bring love there as i watched the deluge from my spirit canoe, understanding the healing taking place. i realize there are certain arrival points in life, even if you never stay put, and i have reached one of them through many years of work and dedication to my practice. from my spirit canoe i am handling with love and awareness, all of the feelings that rise within me due to life’s challenges. feels really good and it is an achievement for me in this life, as i come from the other side, where suffering was me on the daily. after yesterdays’s emotional melt down/mythic creative calling wake up call, i feel ready to face the world again…

in the midst of chaos…

i am seeing my narrative so strong. last night it showed me her face in the light of the dark throng i was thrust into from looking at an apartment in bellevue. it’s too much and too personal to put into blog, but i can say cryptically: when all you have known is one world, it is very difficult to get yourself into a new world. when all you have known is one author, how to do you hire a new one? when you were born into a certain shadow that never lifted, how do you bring yourself to the light? well, that last part i know. i know i am doing it. being human is humbling. you can work on yourself for years on end and puff up with attachment to the progress you have made only to slink back into where you started from years ago, in one night, just because you are not getting what you want on the outside. meaning: who are you when you don’t get what you want in life? i dive from hot pool to cold pool. from pleasure to pain. from a spiritual practice to psychological awareness. from reaction to response. from grace to ooze. i am a master acrobat, tumbling toward death. aren’t we all? breaking up the old pattern by having a friend stay with me a little, by looking at apartments by malls, by dancing. i miss dancing already. in my perfect world i am dancing all the time. i am on fire inside. i want more music, more dancing, more art, more freedom to express this crazy life. i embrace my desire. reading jung is like reading alice like reading emerson like reading anais like reading henry like reading the light and reading the love. it’s not as hard as i am making it but the serious deep mind is how they are too and meant to be. no design flaw. i am steeping in the polar opposites of psychoanalysis and narrative therapy. the former shows me the tricks i play on myself. the latter is honor given to the creature whose despair was created by relationships and in the relational field, not from within. you don’t want to locate the problem within when it is in the relational field that wounds were created. what you wanna locate within is the way the psyche digests the wound and embodies it, and work on that. still trippin on her insight that i identify with the wounds i carry and seeing it come to light. of course i call myself the shadow of the shadow i fell into too young to remember the age that became a life long series of painful experiences that have not turned into light yet. like turning over a steak on the grill. that meat was killed with cruelty and you eat it like it’s delicious and nothing else. if that doesn’t prove how powerful the mind is…well then. my mind is rich. when i said to him in the car it is about relationships, i knew it so sharp and clear, as if i knew my psyche would steer me right into a factory farm afterward. there i was, being beaten by an angry worker, a mere cow to be turned into death and a hamburger. this is how dark a scorpio can go. my narrative is spiced with demons. i am not afraid of these inclinations. what scares me are those who only want victory and light. who only can handle smiles and the kiddy pool. but i gotta have my time in the sun too. psychotherapy can turn to poison in an instant. it is not in the head we heal, it is in the head we clarify. in the heart we understand. the healing is in the body. my body is so tired. i got an emotional hangover this morning. many tears. all brought upon by looking at this apartment in bellevue. all brought upon by a dark narrative that i am being ripped away from my home and plunked into a foreign land. it’s gotta feel right and when it doesn’t chaos is molting the old personality still. right now i cannot comprehend if my narrative is creating my reality or my reality is creating my narrative. sometimes direction scrambles. everybody is going ballistic with the election too. i am not astonished. why do i accept the utter terror of who is ruling this land and yet am still shocked by my own darkness? more jung. read more jung. not in a simple mind-set i am. not in an easy to solve mode. not a tadpole squirming in a puddle. give me complicated, deep, messy, all encompassing, rich complex heady love. this is who i am and how i roll and pretty soon this stone will turn to dust….

from pondering to a rant…

obsessed with listening to binaural beats and solfeggio frequencies right now. all night long and in the morning i listen. i feel this changing my cells. if i picture my cells as a land, i can think of middle earth from lord of the rings. when listening to solfeggio and binaural beats, it’s like the curse is broken and in comes the return of the light, to middle earth, my being. it is the elementals that heal me the most. sound, color, flowers, crystals, healing hands, body movement. talk therapy brings insight and clarity that will shift my conscious awareness, initiating a flood of awakening too. did yoga yesterday, finally. it was proven to me that four days off the matt turned me into a cranky individual. i did yoga to the music of nine solfeggio frequencies and noticed a deepening of my concentration. a slowing down. i realize that going slower is key for me. the slower i move, the more awareness floods into my brain, opening my heart to this life. i am a slow creature. turtle, rock, moon, all life that holds space at a nearly still pace. stones only move by influencing the will of humans to move them. now that is crafty! finished reading a book on narrative therapy and feel very inspired by it. my brain is juggling narrative into the mix of everything else. can i distill this juggling act into succinct specifics in order to write a paper?  i will have to make it so. but portland is coming up first. really looking forward to seeing my people in the shire. to dancing. to being in the company of old roots and as i call us, the thunderbirds. the election is on my mind. i really cannot believe trump is for real, still. it feels like a bad dream. if he wins i see chaos ensuing. chaos and lament. the psyche of this country manifested him. he would not have power if people weren’t buying what he is selling. hate and selfishness, it burdens my heart. i don’t want to hate anybody. i don’t want to make anybody feel like shit for who they are. people make fun of people all the time and i am sick of it. like making fun of vegans. i understand how many vegans can have a self righteous personality and this is what ticks other people off. i also understand the reason why i am vegan has nothing to do with me. it is because i don’t want to eat animals being treated horribly. even in the “organic industry” it is an animal holocaust filled with atrocious practices. if every person who ate meat had to walk through these “farms” and witness the cruelty, i wonder how many would also stop eating animal products? this is why i don’t eat them. i am not vegan to be a persona. it is not about me. when it is about me i fall off the wagon and eat meat and dairy because i love the taste. when i am able to sacrifice my own desires for the mercy of animals, i am vegan. i guess being made fun of is a part of it. i don’t judge meat eaters. i don’t give my meat eating friends a hard time. i get both sides and understand both sides. do i want the animal cruelty to end? hell yes. but it is not going to end by being mean and making other people feel like crap. this is just a rant toward the mean spirit. anyhow, moving on….

from tangent to tangent she swings…

listening to solfeggio frequencies this morning. feeling…i don’t know. not doing yoga for three days makes me feel like the old me. the me that woke up soft and undefined every morning. a leaf gently floating toward death in an autumn breeze, dandelion fuzz carrying a child’s wish, light sparkling on the surface of the sea…all things barely brushing the physical. is this why my muscles are dense like an athlete or why i hold extra weight in my tummy? don’t know, don’t care. my heart is tender right now. i keep wanting to say “as fuck” with everything. tender as fuck. wafty as fuck. this is because it’s the new catch phrase buzzing through youth’s collective. written it is: AF. tender AF. wafty AF. i keep stopping myself from saying and writing this. i don’t like how it feels. it feels like a snotty kid. i don’t want to communicate like a snotty kid. snotty AF. hahaha. anyhow. the sky is hybrid this morning. half blue and half grey. exactly as i feel inside. i find myself being sucked  into solitude. was alone last night and probably will stay alone today and tonight. there are friends i would like to see but the vortex of aloneness is a strong brew. not sure what to do. it’s me being the leaf again. waiting to see who will catch me. want to do grocery and farmer’s market shopping, finish my painting, read for school and jot down more notes for a paper, take out the trash, take a pair of pants to the alterations place, check places on craigslist…all ordinary stuff. i am craving autumn immensely. i want to wear jackets and scarves. i want to drink from warm mugs and read all cozied up on couches. i want to feel magic in the air as the goddess makes her way back down the stairs to the underworld. i love underworld season. i miss the sea. i am craving the sea too. not much else to say. my mind is on pause cause every time i hit the play button it is same ole same ole-ville. i don’t want to imprint the same ole stories about men, dating, being a student, lessons, etc. i am sick of everything i think i know and ready to know new again. i am the goddess walking down the stairs into the underworld. it is a peaceful place when you are no longer afraid. the river styx is dazzling to gaze into. the sky changes shades constantly, from blue to yellow to purple to even red sometimes. many creatures roam about that look nothing like the ones we are used to in the middle world. hades is a great guy. he enjoys watching the middle world and reflecting upon existence over cups of pomegranate tea. people give him a bad rap like he’s evil or something, but that’s just projection. we humans are masters of projection, as if owning our own shadow would kill us. actually, it’s refusing to own our own shadow that is needlessly killing too many humans…but anyways…