steppenwolf in my heart…

reading hesse’s steppenwolf while listening to the rain tap my windowpanes, classical music playing, candles lit, sandalwood incense burning, violet light bulb radiating, under a red blanket alone on a saturday night…in awe of his words and how they reach my heart across oceans and a century. reading this book fulfills the part of me that fears loneliness and isolation. through the steppenwolf i meet my own inner wolf, philosopher, and solitude. i meet the expansive quiet, the hungry chaos, and the longing for connection. i meet my desire to write pages for hours, unhampered by the fastness of technology and the city. i long for darkness lit only by candles, like before there was electricity. i relate to the steppenwolf, living out a part of me that remains dormant except in dialogue with other philosophical and hermetic creatures, or when in deep winter solitude. i travelled into hesse’s world all night, until sleep took me. i realize how pleasurable it is to read as an activity at night. with this winter comes the craving for quiet, contemplation, and inner delving. the sun is out today, though. a welcomed balance to yesterdays cold and somewhat relentless rain. i forced myself to jog and drank ritualistic drinks to battle the blues. a coffee at 6, another coffee at 3, a porter at 5, and a tea at 7. for me, the key to seattle winter survival, is in the ritualistic drinking. each beverage, be it caffeine, alcohol, or herbal, is a sacred meeting with warmth and pleasure threading itself through the cold dark grey days. pleasure in the simple things. the scent of sandalwood and watching the incense smoke rise softly toward the dusty ceiling. the flicker of a candle flame casting shadows on the floor. i have cultivated the art of enjoying small pleasures over the years living alone. ambience is company. the light bulb, the book, the candle, the incense, the beverage, all companions in the darkness of winter. life leads us by the hand we keep open. i give my open hand to the moment. there is much i could write about concerning my heart, lately. the complexities of love. the need to honor the animal and her physical experience while also letting go of the mind that habitually clings to the past like honey on unlaundered socks. i am in love and unsure of where it will lead in terms of our mutual needs and wants. i remember breaking up with the only other man i felt close to this feeling with, because our values and needs were not aligned. at the time, neither of us were ready. in the end, it worked out. he is dear friend and the in love feeling passed away. love can transform. my guy believes one can fall in love with anyone and it is who you choose that makes it special. i hold a different belief, as falling in love is a rarity, for me. i mean, deep falling in love, not infatuation, lust, pedestals, projections, and that whole parade. i don’t mind that he and i hold different beliefs. i like differences and i realize just how lightly i hold beliefs compared to experience. as hesse speaks of, the mind’s concept of above and below is only in the mind and means nothing to the world itself.

stream of early morning…

woke up at 4:47 am even though i went to sleep at 11:30. popped out of bed like a corn kernel on a hot pan. listening to the rain tap the windowpanes. winter has arrived. a sinking in my stomach. the veil is thin. a left over cardboard sign that reads “no exit”. the karmic bind between she and this life. she and he. she and the faces that she meets. tasks to be accomplished each day toward an unknown end date that makes itself too clear in this decade of years when death is a constant taste on the lips. make each moment the most important thing. effulgent moment. ordinary moment. the little girl inside behind the eyes of the woman is seeking. tenderness. safety. security. spirit would not tell her this but mind on it’s golden throne wants to be all, “security is an illusion, get over it.” fuck that shit. where is the middle? i am walking toward it but not losing what is wrong and right as i travel. not losing the distinct difference between yes and no as i learn to say maybe so. focusing on the negative, fear, rigid, crusted, worn out ways of avoiding intimacy parade in support of the old kingdom….but fall into the sea and drown. the old kingdom sinks into the ocean while the new kingdom erects itself on the sandy shore wondering if it too, will be washed away. kind of like a baby turtle. a new government is in place. who is the ruler? love. who is the queen? the little girl behind the woman’s eyes…she is wise. hashtag wisechild. get out of the mind by climbing into the imagination, knowing the senses exceed five. love the sweet creature. a journey has begun with no preconceived last page. i pay attention to the needs like i am taking care of a rare breed. there there, broken little girl who wants to be made whole by my love. i am making you whole, count on it. what gets broken in relationship must be healed in relationship. lack of attunement early on made ambivalence birth from sensitive hearts. linguistic survival. too foreign or scary to think you could be heard without being cryptic or manipulative. you gotta love the sentences that string along (or pull the strings of) the one you love, leaving a trail so they are forever trying to find you because those sentences once protected you from a prevailing lack and scheduled attack. my ambivalence in my shadow beneath the light of my sureness, wants to evade having to mend a broken heart….again. we all play tricks on ourselves and each other. we are all animals with hearts pretending to be tough because of what we are taught. inclusion. the way dawn woke me up with tender fingers. the black sky not yet ready to host the sun. my deep undying love for everyone. keep going after it. possess the result. be uncomfortable because you cannot rely upon it while being comfortable in the good feeling that keeps on happening. then…when it feels bad, hold that little girl again. so easy to bring comfort to the fear with a little affection and a few words of direction. feels simple looking in the rear view mirror. it is only looking forward where a fuzzy landscape is unable to provide the clarity that could erase the quest and turn it into a predetermined outcome, free of mess. embrace the mess. sometimes she deluges. sometimes there are tests. don’t know till it happens. my intentions are best. not one sign post from the past exists in this love, except the one that says “be yourself” and trust. you got this. you know how to fall if you do and rising is the new that may blossom if you allow it to. love is a feeling deeper than emotions that pass through like weather. love installs itself as an archetype, a vision, a dream, and a home. there is no going back once it awakens…

From a loud cafe playing Ozzie…

I’m writing this blog on my phone because it’s the only thing to pull me out of the exhausted haze I’m in. In a cafe to escape my apartment oven. It’s loud in here and I hate the noise. I don’t want to listen to Ozzie full blast among all the summer bodies, doors clanging, steem wafting…but I cannot escape. This is my life right here and now. Wailing Ozzie and the novel Steppenwolf that makes me sleepy when I attempt to read it, though I want to read it badly. It’s hard to focus in here and my mind hurts and I’m craving silence but outside feels sticky and hazy like my brain. Where am I? Come here, now. Now. Here. Humans with books, laptops, coffee, tea, beer, sandwiches, glasses and plates. Oh, moment, I’m sorry but I crave to be somewhere else. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be new and somewhere new. But I can appreciate this too. Air conditioning cools my balmy skin. Loud music sucks the sorrow out of me. I’m not up to my old stories again. The summer is dying. The old me is dying. My love is dying too. Old love, that is. The kind of love that hangs on to sand castles and travels like the wind. This heart that beats inside this skin is passionate and scarlet red. I couldn’t pretend to be anything less. Like the glowing neon R of the beer sign I see before me. Like the melting ice in the cold brew coffee I’m drinking. Wait. Melting ice is not passionate, not one bit. Melting ice is that other part of me speaking. I wish to melt away into nothingness. I am melting under Shiva’s fire. Ozzie is unconscious medicine. No edit on this one. Not even a read through. It is what is and I am see-through. 

scorpio moon saturday babbling…

finding incredible peace being alone and working. i really needed to not socialize or interact and just read my book and write my paper. it soothes and nurtures me to work these days. funny but it’s true. the quiet and focused structure feels good. my introverted and intellectual aspects are being fed and this is calming down the passionate longing and fearful animal that must surrender and trust right now in life. or maybe always in life. i look forward to graduate school being over and being able to use this energy to write my next book. i have learned discipline a second time around (first time is when i wrote my first book). this time around, discipline has become more of a comfort than a push. when life is scary, work is an anchor. being alone is not being alone, it’s a return to source, to oneness, to the sanctuary of spirit. doesn’t need to be religious or mystical in nature. spirit is everything. mercury is retrograde and i feel it hard-core. it’s as if the external world is connected to me only lightly. the stress of the growing racist white nationalist voice in this country is a call to stand against. i will do so with love. just letting the words flow. weird dreams last night. cheeseburgers were involved. and my work place. the sky is blue and moon is scorpio today. leo sun and scorpio moon, this is opposite my friend’s signs. i suppose the fact that it is leo season, leo eclipse, leo new moon means making it all about “me” is the key. sometimes we are each in our own universe and the storylines of the individual do not live in the collective narrative. it feels very much like this right now. i don’t feel i am in the same movie with my friends and family. i feel each of us inside our own narrative. sometimes it is between you and god, goddess, nature, universe, ram, whatever word you use to describe the higher power. i am tuned into this frequency right now as it feels like leo’s version of mercury retrograde. a sacred time to check in with your personal narrative with spirit. my narrative has a lot of shadow elements rising up. i am honoring and releasing the shadow anger, envy, fear, sorrow, worry, confusion, and lust i feel so that it does not solidify into identity. i am releasing shadow into the basin of the goddess, into the core of the earth, the middle of sea. i keep wanting to work with the dragons. life is so friggen chaotic and yet the order inside of chaos is apparent. i am surrendering into the order inside chaos. we are always held and loved by mysterious spirit…

inspiration balances and the artist rebirthing…

last night was inspiring. i read a book for pleasure for the first time in i don’t know how long and then i wound up at an art event filled with beautiful paintings showing marginalized communities in seattle and the people who advocated for equality and justice. there was also live jazz and a fashion show for women who transcend the lame version of beauty standards our culture adheres to. really needed some time away from psychology, work, and talking. needed quiet time with the artist in me. she is alive and kicking. watching that jim carry documentary woke the artist back up in me because his words felt like my words and the place from which he paints within is the same place i paint within. some people paint what they see on the outside. i paint what i see on the inside. the paintings last night were of the outside, of people and community…yet the style of the artist’s work and emotion in the pieces moved me. the live jazz moved me. i love live jazz. i felt for a moment like i was in new york and missed it. this is the reason i prefer urban life. for the art and for the community. ¬†seattle is becoming so expensive, like san francisco. it’s a real shame. rents are skyrocketing. no reprieve in sight, it seems. corruption increases until we make it decrease. dreamed wild chaotic dreams last night. feeling the wild within me wanting an outlet. been seized by emptiness this past week. comes in bouts. yesterday i felt it loom large but inspiration banished it, just like it did the day before when i painted. my heart is sullen and my mind is overwhelmed. i seek inspiration and enrichment to balance me out. i cannot cave. i am in the center of myself. the dirty air is forcing more yoga and less jogging, which is helping me too. sometimes yoga i need just to survive the storms inside. painting i need to survive too. nothing about this world is easy on the heart but i am learning to be at ease with what is hard…

sunday dribbling….

full moon tomorrow. this is the full moon i am returning to my essence and doing ritual again after not doing it for a long time. i am feeling the call back to my pantheistic practices as i awaken the trickster back up within me after a long sleep. dreamed about being with a man again last night. this time, money and time made it difficult to be together. we had to work a lot. i needed to put a down payment on a house. something like that. every night i am dreaming of being with a partner. not sure why, if it’s premonition or desire. sick of writing my paper at this point. wanting it to be over. wanting what is new. my mom is doing well and hope is alive and real. the sky is still dirty with smoke. i feel tired and weary this morning. it’s ok. lots of inspiration has occurred too. many dreams are waking up. my heart feels close to the earth and sinking into honey or becoming like dew. i am sure there are thoughts wanting into my head but i am not letting them through because i am containing myself in the viscous goo of the present moment. i am animal. i am touching everything because everything is connected. computers are alive too but science yet doesn’t understand that sentience does not only come from sex and bodies. it can come from hands and mind too. what am i saying? who cares. too much, too soon. ride with the slow tide. be a tad pole and a turtle….muddle through….

karmic baby 101…

yesterday was a very weird day. apocalyptic smokey hot humid weather. could not work on my paper at all but tried. thing is, when i read it yesterday, i hated it and and could not hear my authentic voice within it. could not find it either. but found it talking to my friends about a future vision bridging creativity with the severely mentally ill. we took a break from working to walk through seward park and i was not having it. so hot and miserable from mooning, but despite that experience, something deep arose within me. the birthing of everything karmic and wounded in my ancestry wanting out, along with the blood and unfertilized egg. i know that sounds gross but the air is gross right now and i am feeling gross from sleeping in sweat too. i felt i could birth the baby of my karmic wounding. it was a powerful trickster vision. had i been around a bunch of pagans i might have performed ritual on the spot but the moment passed. i still have this karmic baby to birth. how will i do it? started writing a letter in the evening to get things rolling and i will do this. in other news, it dawned on me, in all the grossness yesterday, that the guy meant for me will come into my life and we will be happy together. i know it. i don’t feel emotional charge around it or the wounds of romantic love. i think it’s cause i am birthing the karmic baby. i am letting go of the wounds not mine that i have carried. i have already let go of the sexual wounding. all that is left is a wide open space. i see what i have to offer and feel happy with myself. it all feels very simple. i have patience too. yoga really helps with that. yoga has saved my life, really. i know that might sound annoying but it’s true. yoga eradicates anxiety, gives me patience, makes my body strong and connects my mind to body. this allows me to live in peace as an animal. pretty cool.