i am seeing my narrative so strong. last night it showed me her face in the light of the dark throng i was thrust into from looking at an apartment in bellevue. it’s too much and too personal to put into blog, but i can say cryptically: when all you have known is one world, it is very difficult to get yourself into a new world. when all you have known is one author, how to do you hire a new one? when you were born into a certain shadow that never lifted, how do you bring yourself to the light? well, that last part i know. i know i am doing it. being human is humbling. you can work on yourself for years on end and puff up with attachment to the progress you have made only to slink back into where you started from years ago, in one night, just because you are not getting what you want on the outside. meaning: who are you when you don’t get what you want in life? i dive from hot pool to cold pool. from pleasure to pain. from a spiritual practice to psychological awareness. from reaction to response. from grace to ooze. i am a master acrobat, tumbling toward death. aren’t we all? breaking up the old pattern by having a friend stay with me a little, by looking at apartments by malls, by dancing. i miss dancing already. in my perfect world i am dancing all the time. i am on fire inside. i want more music, more dancing, more art, more freedom to express this crazy life. i embrace my desire. reading jung is like reading alice like reading emerson like reading anais like reading henry like reading the light and reading the love. it’s not as hard as i am making it but the serious deep mind is how they are too and meant to be. no design flaw. i am steeping in the polar opposites of psychoanalysis and narrative therapy. the former shows me the tricks i play on myself. the latter is honor given to the creature whose despair was created by relationships and in the relational field, not from within. you don’t want to locate the problem within when it is in the relational field that wounds were created. what you wanna locate within is the way the psyche digests the wound and embodies it, and work on that. still trippin on her insight that i identify with the wounds i carry and seeing it come to light. of course i call myself the shadow of the shadow i fell into too young to remember the age that became a life long series of painful experiences that have not turned into light yet. like turning over a steak on the grill. that meat was killed with cruelty and you eat it like it’s delicious and nothing else. if that doesn’t prove how powerful the mind is…well then. my mind is rich. when i said to him in the car it is about relationships, i knew it so sharp and clear, as if i knew my psyche would steer me right into a factory farm afterward. there i was, being beaten by an angry worker, a mere cow to be turned into death and a hamburger. this is how dark a scorpio can go. my narrative is spiced with demons. i am not afraid of these inclinations. what scares me are those who only want victory and light. who only can handle smiles and the kiddy pool. but i gotta have my time in the sun too. psychotherapy can turn to poison in an instant. it is not in the head we heal, it is in the head we clarify. in the heart we understand. the healing is in the body. my body is so tired. i got an emotional hangover this morning. many tears. all brought upon by looking at this apartment in bellevue. all brought upon by a dark narrative that i am being ripped away from my home and plunked into a foreign land. it’s gotta feel right and when it doesn’t chaos is molting the old personality still. right now i cannot comprehend if my narrative is creating my reality or my reality is creating my narrative. sometimes direction scrambles. everybody is going ballistic with the election too. i am not astonished. why do i accept the utter terror of who is ruling this land and yet am still shocked by my own darkness? more jung. read more jung. not in a simple mind-set i am. not in an easy to solve mode. not a tadpole squirming in a puddle. give me complicated, deep, messy, all encompassing, rich complex heady love. this is who i am and how i roll and pretty soon this stone will turn to dust….
my sisters are here. the five of us all together. i feel held in our dna soup and it’s fortifying, nourishing. i feel blessed by the love we share as a family, despite our distance, and me being the proverbial black sheep. doesn’t matter anymore, stuff like that. what matters now is this limited time only we call each other family. it’s interesting, the peace i feel being in proximity to my shared dna. literally, the cells of my body know i am in “my pack” and chill. a week off from all the heady thoughts and complex situations. desert expansion. jupiter just went into libra, so it’s moving across my five planets in libra, eighth house. venus, mars, moon, pluto, uranus, all getting a dose of positive energy. i am feeling it. sure there are massive tidal waves of insecurity and self doubt coursing through. and yes, pluto is knocking to my knees intermittently too. three modes are happening. the expansion of self, letting go of old identity. the loss of what is important to me, transformation through grief. the battle with my demons wanting to take me down. never a dull moment. my demons….oh my demons. they love to open the escape hatch and seduce with peace. i could leave at any time, they whisper. who needs such a limited reality anyway, the snarky one says, smoking a cigarette with his bowler hat tipped. i remember back in 2001, a lucid dream and astral travel experience. i was being taught how to remove demons. they kept showing up in various ways. inside of radios. inside of children even. i wandered into a government building, closed, cause it was night. the large beige room was packed with the dead who had not crossed over. trapped dead. suddenly three demons in bowler hats appeared. three twins. i will never forget that image. i opened the main door and there stood sara, with her eyes closed, unaware she was asleep and wandering into my astral journey. feeling protective over her, i told her to leave. i remember waking up from that experience totally blown away. i knew right then and there that life was but a dream. i felt it. i remember walking to jessica’s house to feed her cats while she was away. on that walk i was not sure if i had totally awoken, but i knew i had in my left brain. i feel as i enter the realm of academia, a deeper need to hold on to my metaphysical roots. i know i cannot use the language that makes the most sense to me, or learn in a way that makes the most sense to me. pluto says i must surrender to western learning and language, hence my impetus to clutch to my roots. a natural urge that something is trying to rob me of my truth flares. old lemurian wounds. this is why i identity too much with the wounding i carry. because i remember the same wounds from this life all the way back to lemuria. it’s too much, man. too much. but i can choose to not identify. a subtle yet profound difference. to feel without identifying is the magic as i step onto foreign land as well. always mastering something. then death will come. but the journey continues long after that. i am no existentialist. i remember the future and it just keeps on going…
i’m writing this blog at night, how weird is that? i feel turned upside down like the hanged man but i don’t feel desolate anymore. an ally came to visit and i got to go back home with him for a night and day. my pantheon brother from the same planetary mother, how much i love K. we go to a place together where we are free of taking anything personally and we analyze our thoughts, actions, and contemplations about ourselves and all of life. while doing this we also take characters on, just for fun. last night i was Doc Nite. Doc is a woman who likes to dress like a man, not a woman who wants to be a man. Doc never feels two ways about anything. he always knows just what he wants. he is very calm, loyal, and particular. oh it was so much fun to be Doc last night on the town hashing out our inner worlds, being mirrors and guides. i know he will watch me die in this life. had a vision once. could be wrong but i don’t care about being right. i knew i needed to get to the water today and K made is happen real easy. he rented a car and we drove to the east side. every time i am in a car and we hit lake washington, i get an instant feeling of extreme relief. ahhhh, i usually say anytime i cross that bridge, but only from seattle to the east side. on the way home it’s more a feeling of entering back onto the mother ship. to me, seattle feels like a ship while the east side feels like land. secure. safe. but some parts also feel empty (the sun always casts a shadow). first we went to a park in bellevue. K took a swim but i am mooning and wanted to remain dry. needed to read for school so it worked out great. i read in the grass among the bees, under a birch tree. i love birch trees. maybe the most. they are gentle and magical trees. put my feet in the fishy smelling water and could tell it wasn’t pristine but that’s all of us anyhow. i wanted to take off all my clothes and submerge. i want to do this in a pristine lake. i want to do this every morning first thing. that would be profound. after the park we went to downtown kirkland on a whim. that’s where it felt empty to me. pretty but empty. white privilege was a huge topic this trip and downtown kirkland exemplifies. now that i am reading the life changing book, “sitting in the fire” i feel able to see more clearly how white privilege operates in me and also how to love all the human hearts, no matter what side of the fence we are born into. to love us all while also recognizing i have the privilege to feel this sentiment because i don’t have to fight my way through daily external messages that i am not loved. both/and. so much learning right now and i realize that action is needed in every moment and this luxury of time is my privilege too. my heart is bursting through old casings. too much to write about here. i am feeling very jack kerouac right now but without the drugs. free flowing fire tapping these neon green keys. Doc Nite coming at you (you’ll be reading more from me later). being Doc, reading books, learning, driving back and forth over water, this is how i am spending my time now, flipped upside down, dangling by my toes with my head toward the ground. i am tired of staring at pebbles while wishing to be released. K snapped me out of an arrival-illusion mindset. you know how that goes…you find yourself always working for tomorrow and forget to appreciate today. chasing happiness like a dangling carrot, part of the circular and competitive drift of this this cult/ure vulture feeding on the death of your dreams, yo. anyhow, gotta let go of that story because it’s getting old… and tired. let me instead listen to the wisdom of the elders, which is timeless…
yoda what say you?
you are your breath. breath is not part of the body, it is what makes the body come alive. breath is who you are, feel yourself breathe…
the full moon is commencing tonight in my blood and feelings even thought the full swell is not exalted until 11:30 pm tomorrow. the full moon is about full inner illumination flushing out what no longer serves the path you are on…and this time she is wearing the sign of aquarius, which is ruled by uranus. the metaphor of this full moon is the lightning strike.
are you ready?
had a wonderful time and powerful conversation with a cohort friend last night. he helped me a lot. i realized the mountain size narrative i was creating surrounding fear and replaced it with a molehill size story. realized again how i connect whatever is happening to me, to the largest universe-sized myth available in my psyche. the fear i feel connects all the way back to the fall of equality in a previous yuga and how much it still hurts to remember this fall. honor the story and also, don’t refer to it when needing to take goat-sized steps up a rocky and scary part of the mountain. the ill effects of feeling oneness is how narratives can grow too large to tackle when small daily tasks come into play. but anyway. burning palo santo in the hot sun soaked apartment i call home, we hashed out so much that i felt at peace in my heart when he left. i have not felt at peace in a week. feels good. worked all day in the air conditioning previous to dinner. a vajra friend pulled up my chart and showed me pluto raining all over my north node. he will be raining on my life purpose until 2021. this is why i am going through this. it’s pluto’s influence. i am going to become best friends with pluto for the next five years as a result because this relationship requires complete surrender. maybe i will tattoo the yoda line, “train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose” onto my left thigh. always in training. i feel chummy with saturn now. i like my routine, accept limitation, embrace seriousness, i am climbing my walls of fate, and i know how to husband my flock of inner aspects. now…it is pluto’s turn. gulp. the movie i am writing my paper on this semester is helpful, as it is about loss. pluto is all about loss, surrender, power, death, and rebirth. the amount of suffering pluto initiates is dependent on the ability to surrender. i am gonna get real good at surrendering because i have suffered enough and transcended suffering in my psyche. we are all one, this is where the narrative becomes useful. no matter where i am, who i am, what is happening, we are all one. pluto is the ruling planet of my sun. i experienced loss early on, not in the form of a loved one, but in the form of…no, i don’t want to talk about it here.
crazy dreams. maybe stirred by part of the convo from last night about not feeling hatred for even the most cruel characters like hitler. the way i feel is that i know no person comes out of the womb wanting to be cruel. i feel people are inherently good. i don’t believe in evil. i know evil exists as a human invention and a word created to label what it so horrific it needs its own term. i don’t believe it exists in nature outside of human nature. this is just how it feels to me. i know the more scientific or buddhist thing to believe is that humans are born neutral, not inherently good or bad so to speak, but my intuition feels very differently. humans have the capacity to commit evil acts, yes, but i don’t believe evil is an inherent trait that causes causes actions. i feel that contextually, evil acts arise from humans due to chemicals firing off in just the right way to give them the ability to do such harm. i dreamed last night that i was an actress in a play being put on about hitler’s rise to tyranny. the play was a comedy but also a keen psychological study on how a insecure man turned into a tyrant that committed the most evil acts possible. i know the level of compassion i feel for all humans and the desire i have to psychologically address evil might trigger people, piss people off, etc. this is ok. i am learning to sit in the fire. what a strange dream. i don’t even know what to say. it disoriented me. in part of the dream i was coming home from rehearsal into a three story townhouse. a friend was mad at me on the second level. it might of been cause i was involved in the play. the friend sitting on the third floor wanted to see my stone collection. there was a kitchen up top with two fridges. i had to move one fridge into the doorway for the play (dream logic) and suddenly everything changed. was i suddenly jew in nazi territory? not sure. i woke up. it’s that moment when everything changes. when innocence turns to violation. i know this sudden change well. the dream brought this feeling back into my conscious awareness. the feeling of loss accompanies. loss of sovereignty over self. loss of innocence. loss of protection. loss of power. hello pluto. i feel haunted by this feeling but i don’t have time to explore it fully today. if i was a research psychologist i would research what happens in the body and psyche the moment innocence is lost through violation. that’s all i have to say about this plutonian topic for now. too much on the plate in my mind. too much. oh wait, one last thing i don’t wanna forget from yesterday: it’s all about translating priestess language into psychologist language. jung did it, and so can i…
insomnia. heat. sweating. apartment like an oven. lying awake till it finally got cool enough at 2 am to fall into dreaming. vivid dreams. another bright sunny morning. hoping today i can focus on my work. yesterday was a challenge with the heat. it’s so draining. i bought flower essences to help with focus and mental clarity. wandered the streets in between cafes to work and stores to meander in while i contemplated everything in solitude. reading, “sitting in the fire,” because it is inspiring, versus the book on family therapy. it’s hard to read at all in this heat. i know, i am complaining. this heat aint nothin compared to the east coast. reality check. i realized yesterday how many people do summer things in the summer. i see it all over instagram. trips to the beach and in nature, family time in places with water and beauty. not me. i am a solo city rat with no money to go anywhere. if i had a car i would have driven off somewhere yesterday. i suppose i could ask a friend with a car to drive us off somewhere beautiful in nature, but it seems every day i am busy with some form of work, be it client or school stuff. oh well. summer always turns out like this for me. it’s not my season. fall is my season. but also, i have truly forgotten what nature feels like. i cannot recall the last time i was in nature even. when was it? i am a pigeon and i feel surrendered to it. that bananrama song, “cruel summer,” plays in my head as i type this. i am a little bit laughing. laying on my duck taped couch with sweaty legs sticking to the cushions, watching “madmen” in the dark, trying to cool off in order to sleep, fun times. sarcasm. that show is hard to watch. sexism off the charts. i am so glad i don’t live in the fifties or early sixties. i would not have made it…unless i was a handsome successful white male. i fell asleep listening to tara brach last night. she reoriented me. i love her podcasts. listened to the “bird got my wings” podcast again. i love how she calls the persona the spacesuit that covers up the authentic self. got in touch with my spacesuit of inadequacy, inferiority, fear, and loneliness. got real in touch with how i felt as a kid…again. how lonely and isolated i felt. how much i hated everyone for being so mean and stupid. that was my spacesuit. but i also remembered my authentic self as a kid. she was way into making her barbie a scientist and digging for artifacts with a tablespoon. she looked at her peers and felt sad they did not welcome her. she didn’t hate them, but she did not want to belong to people who were mean either. flash forward to today and my spacesuit is the same: angry at “society” for being mean and and stupid but deep down, just purely sad about it. at the same time, i am as enthusiastic about my work as i was a kid. tablespoons are now paintbrushes. barbies are now words. i have always loved working. i am not afraid to admit i feel sad and lonely. tara guided us to reach deeper down past the loneliness and fear, to see what is there. i found a desire to belong. so simple. many people feel as i do and are afraid to admit it and many of those people are in relationships and have families of their own. the feeling goes much deeper than the experience, it seems. i do know i would rather be single and authentic, than to be with somebody just to not feel lonely. i’ll take loneliness any day over a partnership that does not feel right. it’s not the fifties anymore. i can be a single woman without being a hag or what have you. on the other side of this loneliness i am not lonely at all. my friends, family, the divine, we are all hanging out. i am loved and do a lot of loving. but sometimes i have nothing left to say. the loneliness is specific and can feel heavy in passing waves. i don’t want to catch people up with how i am doing sometimes. i would rather lay in the arms of a love and be quiet. i want the somatic and not the mental experience. deprivation of this is real. recently i am feeling like i could temporality partner again. this feeling springs up from a state of resourcefulness, a way to work with what i got. “if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with.” though i would change those words to, “if you can’t be with one love, honey, love the ones your with.” ha! i could have lovers who come and go, and stay single till i die. i could just have men as temporal experiences with no partner by my side. it might get harder as i get older, but in the city it is not as hard. people are always around to help. i could eventually move into an assisted living place when i was no longer functional on my own. that’s the thing about the city, it really is a partner. all you need is right outside the door, in a certain sense. i say hello to many people throughout the day at cafes, stores, and the like. i have my places of comfort. it’s similar to a partner. it’s a plan b is all. it’s good to have a plan b, versus facing an endless abyss of suffering if plan a doesn’t happen. so much of life is logical like that. work with what you got in the very short time you are alive. enhance the strengths and don’t sweat the weaknesses. a big part of me lives pragmatically this way. there is a deeper sadness though, that cannot be solved through pragmatism and i own it proudly. sorrow for the tragedy of this life as it occurs for everybody. i am honoring this sadness today. i don’t know why. love expresses different facets on different days. today love holds space for human sorrow. i can be pragmatic left brained functional happy and also soulful right brained sad. both exist as loving partners.
i need to talk about my dreams. last night: i am driving a speeding car with breaks that wont work. my sister is in the passenger seat. highway and lots of traffic and i am steering the car round huge turns thinking for sure i will kill us because the breaks wont work as i push on them with all of my strength. my sister is calm and tells me to just breathe, and so i do. no crashing happens. another part:grandparents on mother’s side come to visit. have not seen them in my dreams before, maybe ever. they are ignoring me and i feel hurt. can’t recall what happens next. next thing i am balling my eyes out on the floor, sobbing to my friend, “i miss my grandma.” the night before: i am shown a tree growing strong but planted in metal on the ground, like what you would see downtown, with trees growing along city sidewalks. the metal thing looked like a wheel with spokes, not a planter, just in the ground, like a sidewalk type of ground. i was told by the voice of wisdom that this is my totem.
the break down: my sister is tough and fiery, the opposite of me who is sensitive and watery. as i make all of these big life changes i feel like i am driving a car out of control, i cannot stop it, cannot turn back around. it’s a metaphor for learning how to be tough and fiery and to keep moving forward. the grandparents one is weird. i was not close to my grandma at all, and she passed when i was seven. my grandfather is a shadow figure in my past, the root of much pain. i get the feeling this dream is talking about something systemic and genetically relevant in my psyche, but not sure what. in the dream i felt no pain toward my grandfather. i only wished they were paying attention to me. maybe i need to pay attention to that level of the psyche of my bloodline? the tree dream, holy cow. i love when i have voice of wisdom dreams. and to have a totem dream, that’s a treasure! what a totem to have. it blends city and nature, which is me. i am a city soul to the core, but i am also completely connected to earth. i also feel this totem to mean that i must comply with society. the metal grid felt like compliance, but it was also a cool design, artistic. this totem is about integration.
i definitely feel my psyche processing much more than the mind can handle. i feel my cells speak to me through the metaphors of my dreaming. i feel a reorientation happening. from being obsessed with my relationship with the planets and cosmos to being obsessed with my bloodline, i feel a switch in focus. i have spent many years orienting myself as a sovereign being larger than my bloodline and larger than this life. completion has happened. time to let it rest. i am interested right now in the smaller picture. or rather, the big picture of the smaller picture. not my soul in the universe, but my soul in this bloodline. not my multidimensional light being self, my human being as michelle self. i am ready to explore deeper. i have dug a lot out already, but what i have not unearthed yet is a deeper mystery, an older relic. i can feel it waiting for me in the soil. it’s about this body.
blog is long because so much needs to come out of me this morning. moon in scorpio deep thoughts. purple skin for my computer keys is no longer working, i had to rip it off in frustration. need a new color, i think yellow. or green? yellow because it is time to awaken my analytical mind again after many months being in the purple deep spirit place, preparing for yellow. i sense the future strong like coffee this morning. i sense a move and i don’t know if it involves leaving the urban sprawl or not. i sense an internship but i don’t know if it will be where i am attached to, or some place i don’t see coming in my desire. i don’t sense a partnership at all, but the focus is taken off of him, so maybe that is why. in the past few months i have done so much healing around self worth, that i no longer crave with blinded eyes. i am not craving emotional immaturity, i am not wanting to play games, i don’t need distance anymore. i don’t need to be avoidant or ambivalent behind some story of denial. i would not say i am super confident by any means. i feel more vulnerable than confident. i feel raw and willing to be afraid and let love all the way in. maybe this is why my desire and radar is on vacation.
i went to a concert at the neptune with a friend last night and i really felt a change in my identity, being there. it’s strange to become new. the last time i became this new was in 1995. who i was before 1995 would be unrecognizable to those who know me now. some people transform drastically, i am one of them. i feel this happening again right now. anyhow, i was thinking last night about how i want things to be fixed. i crave security. life long true love. published novels. a solid career. my ambitions seek roots and long lasting life span. at the same time, who is to say who i will be in the future? room for transformation, can it live inside of long-lasting ambition? can i be with a man as my true love for life and still have us both be open to it ending at any time if the love changes for one of us? can i sink into a career knowing i might stop doing the work completely at some point? sure, why not! death is coming and can happen any day. life is such a short ride. i feel i want to be able to hold and and let go at the same time, at all times. i want to root with a partner, in community, through career… and also know my real root is within.
everything happening on the outside is temporal and illusion by nature. i honor the sacred and valuable, rich and precious illusion. i honor the animal body and this blood life. i also honor the spirit i deeply feel, the oneness i deeply feel, and the larger than this life experience i have always felt, since i was little.
had a cathartic afternoon unearthing hidden reasons behind behaviors and the myth i have been living. this was catalyzed by a conversation with a friend that went deep fast and pulled out from the shadows what i was ready to see. my heart opened like a blossom and i felt like crying. tenderness extravaganza. after we talked i walked to another friend’s house in an ungrounded daze. i felt so weird and out of body. i could not make sense of the energies swirling inside of me as i watched puppies play while eating chips and hummus. i was hardly able to listen and be present company. felt like my heart was filling up with sea water and that my mind was a wind taking me above the clouds. i came home to a $125 rent increase and my building will also now be charging a $65 monthly utility fee too. damn, that’s a lot of money for me. just when i was feeling at home here. the unfairness of it all. i don’t want to play victim even though tenants aint nothin but numbers to management companies. i know how the system works. we were talking about containers earlier and i told myself to not dwell in the injustice and that it was just time to look for a new container. but i am not ready and my heart felt it. i sat in silence, stunned and sad doing my best to think about the convo from earlier and how i am capable of finding a new home and creating a practical reality that also serves my heart. maybe i can make it work here longer, still. i have support and i can cut back on costs and live more rice and beans style. i could find more work, get more clients. i don’t mind the mold always ready to emerge, ceiling dust, and dirty walls. i love my view. well…i don’t know yet what the next chess moves are in the practical world but one thing i do know is, i am not reverting to any old stories. but even though i am a tenacious pioneer of transformation, my feelings are soft and i shivered, feeling alone. i lay in bed longing. i admit, longing. yearning to live with my beloved in a cozy home that we could stay in for a stint. oh to feel that warmth, sweetness, closeness. to fulfill the creature, not just the spirit. wishing i did not feel so vulnerable and strange, i listened to binaural beats for the third eye chakra and stared at my ceiling fan in the darkness until i got in touch with the divine. i am under the tower card influence. i felt myself falling from my dismantling tower palpably, because really, we are always falling. and then…a feeling of safety gripped me like a lover, like unity. suddenly, i was falling into nurturing. i felt the change happening in my life right now being for the better and bringing me to new life that matches the love i feel on the inside. cause see, that’s what we talked about earlier. i have so much love inside for myself, for life, for every human soul. i am able and desiring to create secure attachments. patience is all that is needed, or who knows, maybe it will be sudden. sometimes everything changes in a blink. however it flows…all of my inner mountain climbing has brought me to a summit of inner knowing and feeling loved. trust illuminated the sadness and shock. i knew everything was gonna be ok. and so…i allowed myself to fall. summits and falling increased the yearning heating up my blood like a bonfire. i am passionate being. i can be myself in this world. i can navigate the practical in my unique watery way. i don’t know how i will get a run in today. i hardly slept. anxiety and trust seduced each other all night while sorrow and love serenaded.