stream of metaphysical consciousness rowing gently down the dream…

my sisters are here. the five of us all together. i feel held in our dna soup and it’s fortifying, nourishing. i feel blessed by the love we share as a family, despite our distance, and me being the proverbial black sheep. doesn’t matter anymore, stuff like that. what matters now is this limited time only we call each other family. it’s interesting, the peace i feel being in proximity to my shared dna. literally, the cells of my body know i am in “my pack” and chill. a week off from all the heady thoughts and complex situations. desert expansion. jupiter just went into libra, so it’s moving across my five planets in libra, eighth house. venus, mars, moon, pluto, uranus, all getting a dose of positive energy. i am feeling it. sure there are massive tidal waves of insecurity and self doubt coursing through. and yes, pluto is knocking to my knees intermittently too. three modes are happening. the expansion of self, letting go of old identity. the loss of what is important to me, transformation through grief. the battle with my demons wanting to take me down. never a dull moment. my demons….oh my demons. they love to open the escape hatch and seduce with peace. i could leave at any time, they whisper. who needs such a limited reality anyway, the snarky one says, smoking a cigarette with his bowler hat tipped. i remember back in 2001, a lucid dream and astral travel experience. i was being taught how to remove demons. they kept showing up in various ways. inside of radios. inside of children even. i wandered into a government building, closed, cause it was night. the large beige room was packed with the dead who had not crossed over. trapped dead. suddenly three demons in bowler hats appeared. three twins. i will never forget that image. i opened the main door and there stood sara, with her eyes closed, unaware she was asleep and wandering into my astral journey. feeling protective over her, i told her to leave. i remember waking up from that experience totally blown away. i knew right then and there that life was but a dream. i felt it. i remember walking to jessica’s house to feed her cats while she was away. on that walk i was not sure if i had totally awoken, but i knew i had in my left brain. i feel as i enter the realm of academia, a deeper need to hold on to my metaphysical roots. i know i cannot use the language that makes the most sense to me, or learn in a way that makes the most sense to me. pluto says i must surrender to western learning and language, hence my impetus to clutch to my roots. a natural urge that something is trying to rob me of my truth flares. old lemurian wounds. this is why i identity too much with the wounding i carry. because i remember the same wounds from this life all the way back to lemuria. it’s too much, man. too much. but i can choose to not identify. a subtle yet profound difference. to feel without identifying is the magic as i step onto foreign land as well. always mastering something. then death will come. but the journey continues long after that. i am no existentialist. i remember the future and it just keeps on going…

rushing faucet turns into dribbles for the full moon…

i’m writing this blog at night, how weird is that? i feel turned upside down like the hanged man but i don’t feel desolate anymore. an ally came to visit and i got to go back home with him for a night and day. my pantheon brother from the same planetary mother, how much i love K. we go to a place together where we are free of taking anything personally and we analyze our thoughts, actions, and contemplations about ourselves and all of life. while doing this we also take characters on, just for fun. last night i was Doc Nite. Doc is a woman who likes to dress like a man, not a woman who wants to be a man. Doc never feels two ways about anything. he always knows just what he wants. he is very calm, loyal, and particular. oh it was so much fun to be Doc last night on the town hashing out our inner worlds, being mirrors and guides. i know he will watch me die in this life. had a vision once. could be wrong but i don’t care about being right. i knew i needed to get to the water today and K made is happen real easy. he rented a car and we drove to the east side. every time i am in a car and we hit lake washington, i get an instant feeling of extreme relief. ahhhh, i usually say anytime i cross that bridge, but only from seattle to the east side. on the way home it’s more a feeling of entering back onto the mother ship. to me, seattle feels like a ship while the east side feels like land. secure. safe. but some parts also feel empty (the sun always casts a shadow). first we went to a park in bellevue. K took a swim but i am mooning and wanted to remain dry. needed to read for school so it worked out great. i read in the grass among the bees, under a birch tree. i love birch trees. maybe the most. they are gentle and magical trees. put my feet in the fishy smelling water and could tell it wasn’t pristine but that’s all of us anyhow. i wanted to take off all my clothes and submerge. i want to do this in a pristine lake. i want to do this every morning first thing. that would be profound. after the park we went to downtown kirkland on a whim. that’s where it felt empty to me. pretty but empty. white privilege was a huge topic this trip and downtown kirkland exemplifies. now that i am reading the life changing book, “sitting in the fire” i feel able to see more clearly how white privilege operates in me and also how to love all the human hearts, no matter what side of the fence we are born into. to love us all while also recognizing i have the privilege to feel this sentiment because i don’t have to fight my way through daily external messages that i am not loved. both/and. so much learning right now and i realize that action is needed in every moment and this luxury of time is my privilege too. my heart is bursting through old casings. too much to write about here. i am feeling very jack kerouac right now but without the drugs. free flowing fire tapping these neon green keys. Doc Nite coming at you (you’ll be reading more from me later). being Doc, reading books, learning, driving back and forth over water, this is how i am spending my time now, flipped upside down, dangling by my toes with my head toward the ground. i am tired of staring at pebbles while wishing to be released. K snapped me out of an arrival-illusion mindset. you know how that goes…you find yourself always working for tomorrow and forget to appreciate today. chasing happiness like a dangling carrot, part of the circular and competitive drift of this this cult/ure vulture feeding on the death of your dreams, yo. anyhow, gotta let go of that story because it’s getting old… and tired. let me instead listen to the wisdom of the elders, which is timeless…

yoda what say you?

you are your breath. breath is not part of the body, it is what makes the body come alive. breath is who you are, feel yourself breathe…

the full moon is commencing tonight in my blood and feelings even thought the full swell is not exalted until 11:30 pm tomorrow. ¬†the full moon is about full inner illumination flushing out what no longer serves the path you are on…and this time she is wearing the sign of aquarius, which is ruled by uranus. the metaphor of this full moon is the lightning strike.

are you ready?

under belly for real…

yesterday oh yesterday, how i dove into emotional extremes and watched the polarization of my mind and heart from the buddhist core of my soul. after waking up from the revelation dream yesterday, feeling grounded and sure, i catapulted into the opposite. the pulled muscle made yoga so gentle it was hardly a practice. i got real tired. the energies felt off. little things. blender breaking. dropping stuff. feeling off kilter. by noon i was filled with self doubt for the path i am taking. fear gripped my heart in a choke hold. total panic. i just watched with love my insides trash, wishing to be all alone, anonymous, not having to do any of it, free from responsibility, free from this particular life. familiar as the freckles on my skin is the desire to flee and live in exile. i rested for a while to calm my nervous system. went to the cafe before work and wrote it out, gave fear a voice. read the declaration of independence oddly, translating it toward the psychological process. oh psychology i am sick of you! oh healing and spirituality and everything mental and conceptual, narrative and meaning-making, i am sick of you! i am craving exile from my own mind! i just watched. went to work. slow day that slowly brought some innocence and goofiness back to my being. made a jasmine, rose, lime, lavender essential oil spray. medicine. walked around the block in the heat real slow, feeling the pulled muscle with every step. came home after work and lost myself happily in “orange is the new black,” until sleep took hold. fell to sleep listening to a binaural beats heart chakra cleansing. feeling it this morning. the pulled muscle is back to normal. no pain. storm has passed. feeling calm again. still not confident or sure of myself but peace has returned, the desire to run is sedated. this is the opposite of old me who ran every year. exile queen. quitting master. undetected. now i am detectable and walking into what i resist with fire feet and mountain eyes. i am a salmon swimming upstream into my own underworld river. my heart is a sea large enough to transmute all poison. darn, why the seriousness? she said my tummy, which is large like the full moon right now, is filled the feelings i have taken in from the world. everyone tries to give me tools and advice on how to empath without it harming me. why does it never work? what’s the missing link? ¬†twenty years of this already. what say you belly? “stop trying to fix me,” is all i hear. true that. maybe i simply accept the large moon like belly when i take in the fear of the world. shaman belly. love belly. belly that holds hell with love, churning it like butter into heaven. magical belly. belly of power. nectar belly. sage gave me an idea to paint chaos soup. duh. i need to paint chaos soup! why do i always forget when the belly is holding the hell of the world, to paint! it’s not a solution, as we know how annoying and disregarding solutions are. it is a voice. belly needs a voice. i am gonna give it to her.

uranus and slow panther protocol…

taught the tower workshop last night while feeling very tower-y. i did not want to make sentences about anything because i did not want to make ideas concrete. i am feeling sensitive to people thinking they are right or better than others through whatever institution or compartmentalized version of an aspect of life. in the spiritual community i feel sensitive so much to this that i disclaim over and over, “this is just how i see the tower card,” or “this is my planetary correspondence to the card,” etc. all correspondences are written by humans. every bit of spiritual information is subjective even though the feelings are collective. the desire for unity creates a million stories. the act of liberation may happen through many different channels, using a variety of tools, creating many different narratives. there are no facts other than the fact that a person wants to heal or connect to the divine. i don’t like to get caught up in the idea of facts. i treat the idea of facts loosely. my strong impetus is to honor the individual’s choice for healing, for spiritual connection to the divine, or whatever the case may be. the only time i bring out my judgement hat and strong “no, this is not allowed” is when a belief brings harm, injustice, or injury to life. then everything about subjectivity and variety and no right or wrong is tossed out like confetti. you hurt another sentient life and i am a protector. end of story. otherwise, whatever works for you is my motto. i wish to bring this attitude to the new age world at all times and i do as a teacher. i am not above the student, i am only sharing how i connect and my experience, which is valuable and i know this by being a student. it’s always been a radical aspect of my personality to stand up for inner authority. i rebel heavily against all authoritarian thinking that leans toward externalizing the power source, all hierarchical thinking basically. i am devoted to personal choice, free will, and subjective myth making. i am devoted to life being a creative act. i stand up against this because creating any belief system that completely externalizes the power source, harms sentient life. last night i was feeling this strong as we talked about the tower and i felt uranus light up in my bloodstream. my relationship with the planets is palpable and intimate. i love the way uranus feels. his bold liberation tactics turn me on. he brightens up my imagination and fills me with courage, much more than mars. emergent learning. this is my other strong desire of late. i am not saying emergent learning is better or worse. it is a way to learn. the choices are endless when you get into the subtleties. these days i wake up and immediately tune into emergence, present moment, and getting my body more and more attuned to the planet by getting my mind out of the tower of thoughts it likes to live in, in order to meaning-make. don’t get me wrong, i love meaning-making and narrative. it is just that during the tower season, it is time to let go of meaning-making. or rather, it is time to meaning-make by letting go of meaning-making. fully coming into the creature experience is my protocol. this is a scary process for somebody who likes to build very tall towers of meaning. but here i am, on the ground, swishing coconut oil in my mouth, typing in the keys, preparing for my yoga practice next. talking to ruby last night and speaking of present moment, i realized i need to put more effort into making yoga a meditative experience. i have slacked. it is easy to zone out and make it just about strength, grace, and endurance, yet the whole point of yoga is to bring the mind to the body and fuse them. today i will practice this. i will move slower. my racing thoughts need to slow their roll and saunter with my languid body moving like a panther under a hot sun. or something along these poetic lines…

sunny sunday thoughts…

yesterday was a powerful day. i walked by a yard sale and picked up a book of fifty essays. sat down at a cafe and flipped it open to see which essay i would land on. it was a letter martin luther king wrote to his colleagues. it got to my heart. he lived his life to turn injustice into justice. he died organizing for justice. the letter took me right out of cognitive dissonance for a few moments. i felt my higher ground want to lift me up into it. i thought about a line by madonna, “what you need is a big strong hand to lift you to your higher ground.” there was the inkling in me to do something but i did not know what. the best i can understand is to tend to people’s souls. as i sat at a table outside, i watched a dog and his owner interact with passing by people. interesting enough, the dog growled and barked at one man, but allowed all the others to pet him. i think they were all women. the thought was, “he doesn’t like men.” might be true, might be an anxiety thought. i watched anxiety all day react to dogs. a dog walked by me and slightly barked, while its owner talked it off the barking ledge. this lesson is all up in my face. maybe part of it is a sense of protecting the sacred within. the dogs are trying to protect when they get aggressive. there is anxiety i try to protect myself from experiencing, but what if even the anxiety has a purpose sometimes? like, maybe it is ok that i need certain conditions to feel balanced and calm. i have worked my ass off to be where i am today in this body, it has been a difficult road. it’s the other side of fear facing, right? self protection is real too. it brings to mind something my friend said about being tired of living inside ideas. mainly, lessons. how in our endless search for partnership we focus on lessons, instead of getting to just live like a creature with a partner. that is real too. i realize how much of my headiness and philosophical temperament is my medicine for living a life that is not about just getting what i want in the physical world. my life is largely not about that. it is about transformation and healing, it is about understanding, letting go, and giving unconditional love. not getting what i want in the physical, facing every lack, is the medium and the fodder that molds me into the person i wish to be in my heart. i am my own work of art, chipping away at illusion to unearth the essence. this is a palpable experience. the thoughts lead to physical newness. everything is a double edged sword. everyone has a valuable perspective even if the perspective is only a mask to fear and hurt. i wound up at the same bar two nights in a row because it feels neighborhoody and has great food. last night i laughed as i hadn’t laughed in a good long while. needed. an unexpected visit from an out of town friend happened. the three of us are in grad school. we talked shop and i felt a difference. i did not have a story behind me that i used to fall back on. the story of resistance to being a therapist is fading. or to being a healer, same diff. something in me really is letting go of that old story and committing deeper. not something. my essence. self sovereignty. i am choosing this life. such a new myth for me. just as science is breaking ground with constant new research about the expression of genes having more and more freedom and variation to express, so am i creating my new myth. i am cells making stories. i am essence making embodiment. same diff. ideas are my love even if i know they are all illusory at the core. i love illusions. i love the stories the head produces. i am eating a lot this weekend. sublimating sensuality. sometimes the dragon needs to come out to play. today i need to come out to play. been steeping deeply in what is serious. injustice is serious. it is happening. it is real. i want to read more essays, all fifty. i want to be shaped by those who stood before me. i want their messages to sink into my cells and make me a better person.

weekend update…

powerful weekend. sunday: breakfast with a lios friend brings deeper awareness. not only do i need to learn how to differentiate my energy among group, but i understood the leak, or reason why i lost myself at the last meeting. i was being visited by the devil archetype within, whom for me is quasimodo. i am teaching about the devil card tonight, so per usual, perfect timing. even though it’s been many years since i have experienced the shameful pariah feelings i used to experience in youth, at the last school conference that aspect came up from the unconscious and i did not recognize her. i only recognized the shy timid seven year old, not the ugliness and shame part. The ugliness and shame part is the devil, whom i call pan. it is the part of ourselves lodged deep in the unconscious where fear, shame, disgust, and forms of twisted lust dwell. my friend reminded me to be patient and accepting as this part comes up, and i felt that. this might be the first time i can face my inner devil without trying to push her away, change her, and pretend like she never happened. i don’t feel aversion to her. i am finally ready to be her friend. after the enlightening breakfast i walked to barjot hoping the owner would be there because his energy tends to unlock my writing block. i have been deeply blocked and i wanted to write a first person devil piece to read for the workshop. lucky me, he was there and fleetwood mac was playing loud (best music ever to write the devil piece to). the first draft came pouring out of me in a fury. i also felt the story of pan was returning to me. it is time to enter myth writing again. i cannot do healing work without the creative myth work. time to humble myself and return to the craft. writing the first draft exhausted me to such a degree i needed to come home and take a quick nap. next i went to pinebox to write a presentable draft to read for the workshop. take out the lengthier myth stuff, simmer it down to what is needed to understand the archetype. was great to talk with the bartender again and feel the old school vibe of the empty peaceful space. hadn’t been there in a long while. after i cleaned up the draft i wrote more from pan’s perspective. felt i could write for hours. i am so close to him inside. we are very dear friends. i understand him. again, taken down by fatigue from channeling i left in need of zoning out and crashing early to bed. saturday: great to work the counter with white cobra again. good times nostalgia unpacking stones. we hung out at solstice after, pulling cards, recommitting ourselves to writing. before hand talking a languid walk with katie through the rich people’s hood behind joe bar. the air felt tropical and cool on the skin. talked about the grand cross, letting go of rigid beliefs and patterns within. it all culminated for me sunday when i saw how i was still running from quasimodo and that it was this running from shame that shows up in unhealthy ways in my present life, mainly with losing myself. i literally get swallowed up by others without realizing it. now that i am committed to fully loving quasimodo, i know i will be able to transform this unhealthy pattern. i am healing the leakage so that i can remain whole. i am taking care of myself first, before others, my capricorn north node. by making myself strong, clear, and bright, i can provide for others. i am meant to be father not mother, in this lifetime. i am meant to provide knowledge and guidance, not care take. i am learning….

moon day ponderings…

very weird dream last night. i was helping some woman deal with a scary mob-like criminal by putting make-up on her, pretending she was my roommate, and trying to pull the wool over the criminal’s eyes in a scheme. the feeling was terrifying for putting my life at risk because of this woman. i did not know why i was helping her. hmm. the word that comes to mind is: imposter. how do i feel like a imposter? so much of who i am i keep hidden. i wonder if this is connected? there was a point last night when my family was talking about aging and how fast time goes. tears welled up in my eyes along with deep sorrow. i felt like i could not handle life, like i wanted to collapse and stop living right then and there, that it was too much to be here. then i remembered i am just having feelings and took a funny snapchat picture. distraction. let go. when i am around my family i am mostly quiet because most everything i would talk about would not flow with their belief system, would go over their heads, or seem uninteresting and irrelevant. we are just different. so when i am visiting, it’s about being close to them, not sharing my mind. this is a good practice because i am forced to let go of reliance on beliefs and the mind. i am simply me the creature. i could not exist like this for an extended period of time. this is why seattle is my home. i can be myself fully there. sacrifice. it hurts that my soul home and bloodline home are not in the same place. there are many kinds of love. even if i cannot share my mind with my blood family, the love we have cannot be compensated in any other way. this love is a gift. thinking about life ahead of me…the entrance into my internship. school continuing. bringing myself into a new realm of helping and giving to humanity. feels scary and good. i would not say it makes me happy to help others. happiness for me is about making art and being a capricious, wild and free spirit. yet it does feel like my destiny to help others. it feels like a need. my karma. another sacrifice. the wild spirit sacrifices for the destiny of selfless service. the soul sacrifices bloodline proximity for a compatible habitat. discernment is key because knowing which sacrifices to make leads the path. i follow the path of the soul first. it feels pretty serious. i am aware it does not have to feel so serious, but i am also aware that i am judging myself for my serious constitution and need to let that go and be who i am. and by be who i am i mean the big me, spirit me. seriousness is only an element. this blog is only a flash…