the first line of the first poem i wrote in sixth grade was, “life is a mystery without a clue, each brand new day it holds something new.” i feel that right now. i am living in a torn state every day because i do not want to live in las vegas but i want to live near my parents and they are not willing to relocate here. i am feeling torn between building my own life and sacrificing for my parents whom i love so much. i don’t know the right thing to do. i have a final paper due in a few weeks and i am dating too. first date was last night. it went alright. we are very different people. he is kind. i feel so lost inside. i mean, i am found in the sense i know i am becoming a therapist and i know who i am, but lost every place else. what i really want are roots and a life partner but seems like i cannot have these experiences right now in my life. no, i don’t want to root in las vegas. but i could be there for a time. but i don’t want to put off becoming a therapist. but being there for my parents is very important for me. round and round the merry round i go as sacrifice will have to made one way or the other. torn up like confetti as i write about the shadow and go on dates, see clients and jog through the city streets. tears, so many of them. maybe i could have a good life in vegas? tears, so many of them, for my mom’s health, for my dad and mom, for the way life ages us and for cancer plaguing my mom and so many people. the pain of it all. embracing it all. knowing this is life. maybe i could live in seattle and visit more often? staying expanded. always in the throws of something intense, it seems. never really was one to have a light-hearted bouncy ball life. blue sky. summer. gotta get on the mat. the small moments bring the joy. like work today when we sing. like my morning coffee. like catharsis and dark blue paint. the scent of jasmine. the play of fate. i dunno. i am undoing….
been in vegas with my parents. so many feelings. anger and sorrow. the question “why” that only leads to suffering. cancer, i do not believe, has a why answer. seems like it can strike anybody, repressed emotions or expressed emotions, great health or poor health, old and young. i am still a health nut who expresses all of her emotions and i still feel that much of life is a vibrational match to what is happening in the deep down of the self, but you cannot pigeon hole and say everything is due to this or that. not in my book, anyhow. your narrative may be different. i know in my heart, that nature embraces the variety, and hence anything is possible on both ends of the spectrum. life is so intense. you just don’t know when suddenly everything will change for the worse or better. this is why buddhism, cognitive behavioral therapy, nlp, and other cognitive methods come into being…to help us with our minds reaction to what life brings. how the mind reacts to the thing happening adds or reduces suffering. pick one. right? through engaging in the exploration of my unconscious and especially my collective shadow, i have learned that you can do a ton of work on the surface, aka: the conscious mind, and still suffer just as much, even if you are master at watching the story without attaching to it, reframing your thoughts to something more positive, or whatever cognitive technique helps you manage. i lived it. i became a master of not reacting to my mind, feeling my self as breath, and never felt more angry in my entire life. wasn’t until the shadow work did my unconscious and conscious find one another, and instead of mental peace, i have found something deeper…i don’t know how to put words to it yet, but it’s like wholeness, presence, embodiment, grace. i am always learning. last night the sorrow was profound. i could have cried an ocean. but i didn’t let myself go the way i can when i am alone. i acknowledged the sorrow with some tears and told my parents not to be afraid of them. it’s dumb to be scared of feelings, i said like a kid. mom agreed. crying is like pooping out of your eyes. you would not want to hold poop in would you? our family has been sweeping feelings under the rug for generations. we are all taught to do it. i am here to say, no more. feel em and embrace them.
i should blog. i really need to blog. i don’t want to speak about my life though. i really do not feel like it. there’s a legit resistance. i am having so much awakening, catharsis, grief, turmoil in my mind, and i am so busy that i cannot catch up with myself to even swiffer the floor or get groceries because i have chosen to try to have a little relaxation instead of more errands and the business is making me crazy. too much is on my plate in my heart in my soul, too much too much too much. i am not busting. i am making it through but i am different. i don’t want to talk about how. i don’t want to share myself with the world. so what else can i blog about? things. like attachment, shadow, astrology, and parts work all melding together into one in my lived experience and loving it. loving seeing my clients, dating. doing it again. why? for fun. not looking for the one because i don’t know where i will be living and i don’t have the emotional capacity to consider it. my heart is filled with love enough to not need “a one” even if being with a true love is still my holy grail right now it isn’t. right now, i don’t care. i want fun. i need fun. fun is no joke right now. i need fun to balance out the hardship, inner strength, care taking, grief, sacrifice, heaviness. self care is giving the marginalized fun part embodiment. my shadow needs some embodiment. i felt permission awaken over the weekend. i guess i am talking about myself. so i am dating for fun and working hard and spending a little time with friends, though not much. i am my own independent being right now and my only attachment is to my blood family, my mom, my ancestors. aside from them, i am here and gone, here and gone. not the love, just the availability. i am the type of person who needs a lot of spacing out time, just being time, i need to move slow…and lately this is not able to happen, i am thrown in the fire. so i feel really crazy. not diagnosable crazy, colloquial crazy. i am not who i was. i am in the middle of transformation and coming apart. my mom is going through so much with cancer treatment. i don’t want to talk about it. i feel her in my heart as myself. my psyche is rolling on a log on a river and all the hard work i have done on myself through the years is the spinning gem in the center of my happy soul who knows that life is meant to be like this. i know it, no matter what. life, death, illness, health, accidents, abundance, loss, gain, i am embracing it all…
been feeling…well, i dunno. the beast is alive and awake inside of me, wanting to wail to the moon. karaoke is taking the place. wanting other outlets too, but not sure how to meet them in today’s modern world. soaking up jung like bread into gravy over a small hot bowl of fries, reading the quote about how the trickster, ancestral self, the unconscious, the collective shadow (all the same thing) may not really fucking like it here in the present, and i know my sarcastic use of the word fuck is coming from the trickster inside me feeling upset, but not like the ego feels upset. not “wounded”. just feeling the raw pain and wanting it to feel right, to feel held, to feel connected. trying to find anything about restitution ceremony on the internet while doing my best to listen about how the poor get money for services. society equals brutal. highlight that with a yellow pen in the back of the room under a fluorescent light. giving him reiki and feeling his trickster inside, totally at sensual peace with the elements man, totally secure and wise, old soul in a young indigenous body that ended too soon. walking through the sunshine feeling tender feelings poke like grass blade spikes. no words. wanting to sing it out, love it out, touch it out, dive into the water, give my shadow what she needs. buying hot pink and black fishnet tights hearing my mother’s voice in my head, “you’re too old for that.” young at heart and in spirit no matter what. blah blah blah. words to cover up like clothing, like costumes, like plays. writing surreal is a way to leave the confines of the cubicle known as this current reality. jung found it in his wife and five kids. i find it in the golden light spreading over white skyscrapers like a morning glaze, drinking coffee before six am. don’t pay much mind to these words, they are only momentary place holders. i promise.
there is good news in the bad news. my mom’s chemo treatment has started and no more cancer was found in the organs or blood. we have the initial answers. even though it’s still so painful, i felt relief that the cancer did not spread more and treatment could finally begin. i hope her body takes to the chemo well. i know many, where chemo worked. life is mysterious and we all respond differently to different things. the animal in us follows a mysterious path from life to death. talking more about it in the park with a friend i have not seen in a long time. giving her a shadow reading. explaining the trickster inside. our karmic beast, here to live a specific life the natal chart reveals. where pluto is in the chart is where the shadow lives, in the system i am attuning to, as there are as many ways to interpret the chart as there are unique karmic beasts. how hard it was for us to let go of solving, fixing, and instead, feeling the myth of the beast. we all carry the myth of the beast within us. there are thematic collective stories that attach to our personal shadow. mine is about power. eight house pluto. power taken away. power over. power under. sexual power. anyhow…stuff. life. endings. sacrifice. love. words are flimsy. feelings are big. dream last night: i know my childhood friend played the role of a shadow aspect. she is driving a car in florida and we are surrounded by water, a ton of water (feeling). i am screaming at her to slow down. i am panicking from her driving too fast. she ignores me. we get into a big fight about it, she keeps insisting on having it her way and wont listen to me, though i cannot recall the next fight once we are parked. this is a reoccurring dream theme in the past year. the two fighting parts. each time it is my ego that is mad and feeling not heard and the each time the shadow is different slightly. i need to tune in more. gotta hurry and get on the mat this morning. going fast must be the thing right now.
not much to say. yesterday was productive and i was absorbed in every bit of it, as if the tasks were sponges and i was water. i ate a lot of bready carbs at lunch and i think it really helped me to focus on my paper, hard core. bread carbs are great brain food. i find that when i cut too much down on them, my mind is not able to concentrate and i am more in the physical body than the mental body. it’s always a balancing process. always. making sure not to cut out too much of any one thing to achieve some over manipulated result. making sure to not be too rigid while relying on discipline like its a spiritual father. i have very little energy right now for communicating with a lot of people or hanging out with friends. i don’t have much to give. my energy is absorbed by my mom, school, and internship. i have hardly any room left after that and finding some solitude. i know the friends who really love me on a soul level will understand. those who don’t, oh well. i don’t care about disappointing others right now. the shadow side of libra is on vacation. my priorities are reorganizing. my heart is working extra hard. reality is so potent, right now. this week we will hopefully find out the test results for my mom. it’s a big week. it’s also a long week at work because i have training days after internship days. then two days off to write my paper followed by internship and then on a plane to vegas, finally, i can’t wait to get there. that’s about all i have to say. focus is on finding presence this morning. dreams were very intense. in this one dream i wanted to go to a basketball game for my birthday, and invite this seattle coffee shop owner, an old friend from high school and this one other friend who lives in portland. i was trying to text them but could not seem to get the letters to be what i wanted them to be. the basketball game kept switching to a hospital. i was distraught. my dream ego is telling me that there are feelings in the shadow that are not sure how to juggle all this. not sure about the people in the dream. very random but its not. i am learning. gentleness is the thread. love is the…everything.
the full moon brought up all the sadness and loss feelings but in a contained capricorn way. sometimes sacrifices are to be made. being near my parents is more important than being near my friends here. being near my parents is more important than the northwest. there are many perks to vegas. i love the desert, the sun, the nicer apartments for cheaper price, and the daily ease vegas provides is palpable. it’s easier to be physically active, healthier and happier there in winter and fall cause of the sun. lucky for me, i have no sense of home on the planet and i collect homes. so far i have collected vegas, seattle, new york, and missoula. i have returned to seattle four times in my life already and i may return again in the future. being in my mom and dad’s daily life is what my soul wants. it is an undeniable choice of yes. at the same time, i honor the sadness of leaving. i look out over the view i have loved for six years and give thanks. i give thanks to the cafes, bars, restaurants, and the city as a whole. most important, i give thanks to the many friend soulmates i have made here. pluto overtaking my north node in house twelve is asking for a sacrifice, service to spirit, surrender, and giving unconditional love. pluto takes my soul’s hand, leading me through my karma in a capricorn way steadily up the mountain, with rational understanding and a devoted routine that allows me to have energy for what i will face ahead. thank you to grad school and my internship for training me to handle endless amounts of writing, paper work, red tape, hoops, rules, and showing up with a sharp and focused left brain. thank you to the paper i am writing for teaching me how to tend to my deepest self and my family in balance, finding the pearls inside the viscous goop of being human. or something like that. i am wearing a garnet heart each day for my mom and now feeling like i need to wear a pearl each day too, as a symbol of the gift that is made from journeying through hard times and being present through mammoth life changes. thinking about white eagle telling me to connect with my ancestors. how to do this? we walked by a native american ceremony in the international district last night. their plumed head dresses seemed to fill my heart with a sense of security and wonder. we sang karaoke in a panic room, soaking in our dna soup, letting out the animal wails. i am no longer shy when i sound horrible singing and when i sing a song well it feels so good. there’s liberation in not caring about messing up or sounding bad. there’s freedom in not needing to give the world only a face of light and composure. in the car ride home, under the full moon, i could feel the divine-animal in me needing a restitution ceremony, needing to connect me to my folks to my ancestors to the planet to the stars back down to the ground water to fill my eyes with tears that slowly saunter down hot summer cheeks. life is so intense….