shadow birth and death, soul hunger, sunshine…

sunshine every day now. yesterday was amazing and powerful. i realized my soul hunger for water when i went swimming in a pristine lake where my friend lives. my heart opened wide and i knew that i am not meant to live in the city anymore and that somehow, some day, i needed to live on a lake. on the car ride home i cried because of how much i did not want to head back into the city. i also cried out of fear that i wasn’t allowed to leave the city because wanting to live on the lake was a material goal i could not partake of and that the city needed me. my friend pointed out the black and white thinking of that one. then i cried for an ex-boyfriend. a man i have loved more than any other thus far. he is connected with the lake. this all stems back to a ritual she conducted that sent shame down the drain. sending shame down the drain opened up my heart to the innocence of wanting to live on a lake with my husband. yes, husband. a strong desire to be married has emerged. not just partnered, but married. i loved taking my friends on their shadow journey. i had fun guiding them, it’s one of my favorite things to do. i felt the soulmate-ness of us yesterday. for whatever reason i am feeling soulmate love intensely right now. friend soulmates, lover soulmates, work soulmates, so many soulmates. i love my soulmates. there is unrest in my soul today. percolations. change brewing. real live death. interesting how the shadow has many facets. on the journey i took my friends on, parts that needed emerging from the unseen shadow came into the light for integration. for the shadow ritual they performed on me, shame was asked to leave the body and go down the recycled drain of life. sometimes the shadow holds aspects begging for acknowledgment and identity in the seen world and sometimes the shadow holds aspects that need to be let go of and to die. both are challenges. the challenge of letting a repressed part come into the light is equal to letting go of a part that is ready to die once and for all. shadow life and shadow death. i feel grateful to be in relationship with the shadow right now. i am feeling moved in ways i cannot explain in words yet. i will know more later…

gem in i thoughts…

i am officially on vacation and i cannot seem to wrap my head around it yet. i forgot how to let go. i need to clear my head on a long walk this morning. remind myself to trust the flow of deeper forces at work beneath the turbulence of what is seen on the surface. gemini new moon is about holding duplicity, embracing more than one perspective, more than one way, more than one love, more than one idea. i can do this. i can expand my mind and climb outside the boxes and confines of what is familiar. my mind is racing with half thoughts and edited thoughts. like, the moment i have a thought i think about the implication of this thought on a social justice level and wonder about my thought’s origin. looking through different lenses produces different results. for instance, we were talking about something psychological last night..what was it? damn, i forget…but the gist is…all these intellectual white men explain what indigenous cultures have known for a much longer time, but in out culture it’s not real unless being explained scientifically and intellectually, which is a world dominated by white men. at the same time, my favorite psychologist and writer is a white man. i don’t judge a book by the cover. it just so happens their privilege has allowed them to be the carriers of amazing thoughts. the thoughts are not theirs. we don’t own our thoughts. but since they are privileged most, they get to be the receivers of amazing thoughts because their thoughts are not fighting against oppressive forces all the time. it’s not black and white, i am speaking in broad strokes here, as plenty of oppressed minds open up to thoughts that contribute to knowledge and wisdom in the midst of unfair daily battles with ignorance. i am only fleshing out how social justice is interweaving into all of my thoughts. another example is, i was about to write that i needed to take a walk in order to trust the universe again and then i thought, oh that sounds like such a white privileged woman thing to say. and you know, it really is. i do have more privilege to experience trust in the universe because i am not fighting racism every day. at the same time, their are many targeted oppressed folks who have thoughts about trusting the universe…this makes me think of victor frankl’s book “man’s search for meaning” where he talked about how people in concentration camps who had hope of surviving and found meaning in their experience also had a better chance of surviving. this is what neito is talking about in her brilliant book “beyond empowerment, beyond inclusion” when she speaks of connecting with your source of inner power. this also is what cognitive behavioral therapy talks about when it says it is not the experience itself that causes suffering, but how to you think about the experience. both/and. these are the thought in my head. i respect the new awareness growing as i allow my mind to expand. i think that how we communicate is important. how you communicate can come across as flippant, cruel, kind, loving, hateful, on and on. gemini is a vital force. how we communicate is the gem in i. these are themes pouring into my mind. i feel tired this morning though. the thinking is not vibrant. i am a bit worn down. my soul is a bit weary. dreams were so intense last night. in one of them i was carrying a snake inside my shirt. wisdom of the shadow…my loyal companion…

gemini new moon horrid grossness…

today is the new moon in gemini. feeling a bit sluggish this morning. tired. much going on in the world and in my head. i don’t feel like blogging, would rather keep quiet instead. staring at the keys forcing words to bleed. ladeeda. slept heavy and raw. oh yeah, that’s right, last night i had my reoccurring nightmare. it’s been years since i had this dream and i thought it was over. in these reoccurring nightmares i shit out of my mouth. i know. it’s disgusting and horrid. i feel the same way in the dream. disgusted and horrified as shit keeps coming up and and out, not stopping, getting stuck in my all my teeth…in lasts night’s dream it was like cereal shaped too, little pieces. i was supposed to be in an intern meeting but it was a weird place. everyone was sitting on the floor in the dark. some woman held me and it felt like i was being held by the goddess, like being supremely nurtured. then i left and was walking in the freezing rain barefoot, wondering if i had gone insane because i had no shoes on and the cold wasn’t bothering me. i think this part of the dream spawned by seeing a barefoot young homeless mentally ill man on the street last night. i was walking behind him. he struck me. anyhow, the shitting out my mouth began shortly after i was walking barefoot in the cold. or before it, i don’t recall. but now i recall that i stepped in a puddle and sank in deep up to my knees. it was night time. i was stuck in ice cold rain water and trying to pull myself up with not much success, yet i was not trying that hard, i barely had any energy. no wonder i feel sluggish this morning. the entire dream was a picture of me losing my grace, sanity, purity, and being enslaved by an endless stream of cereal shaped shit forcing it’s way out of my mouth. can’t get more shadowy than this dream. what does this mean, gemini new moon? i will need to pull cards. i feel disturbed. no time to do a practice before work. better post this so i can at least pull cards before i head out. strange days….

ode to chris, heart, weakness and all the feelings…

can’t stop listening to chris cornell’s music and watching every video on youtube. i am grieving this man so much and i don’t understand why because i never listened much to his music but now i am, and my heart breaks for his death. today was such a sensitive day all around. i lost composure inside. i experienced transference today that brought up a whole bunch of shame and made me feel exactly how i felt as a little girl. it’s like, today i had no filters over my heart. i still feel this way. i am overwhelmed with feelings that are only finding an outlet through chris cornell’s music. very old things i am feeling. i am all heart and no head. i don’t want a fancy analysis or intellectual reason. there is nothing to solve or fix, only surrender and more surrender. i understand how the birth of defiance inside of me is a result of not being able to use my authentic voice and ask for what i need. the voice of chris cornell is powerful and strong. his voice lives on. his masculine kind soul and shadows abound. i feel them inside of me too. the clean lines blur and the ego houses fall and crumble. i am all over the place tonight but i am just sitting on my couch listening and watching this man, feeling my heart melt like butter in a frying pan. want the sense of humor to return. want to laugh and lighten. it is all ok, no matter what, even when the worst happens and there is no going back. his soul is doing something as great out there as it was here, and yet it’s not about greatness. it’s not about being big, right, sure, bright, or anything without the weakness of life. i honor the weakness of life. i honor my own weakness. i can feel my own weakness so strong tonight. i can see how i run and hide, avoid and create illusions around people too. i am not the only one, i am not the only dreamer, i not the only person running from what still blazes inside as if time never passed. i wish i could have been a singer by profession. i wish i could have spent my years belting out to audiences from the raw soul. i should have liked to never need my intellect to prove anything. only some of us get to do exactly what we want. he opens my longing like a flute. all of the death and weakness in me cries out too. i cry out too. this is just a mood. weather passing on through. the air is cooling and the night is approaching and i feel it might be hard to hit the sack. i am alive with desires and loss of composure. i feel like a little gold fleck in a large black night. can we hold our natures like sweet birds in the heart? i want to hold your nature like a sweet bird in my heart. god, i am just feeling so much tonight. i won’t edit this. there needs to be a quiet little public space to admit what i am feeling….

random notes from a wilted flower…

i feel strange, new, tired, bloated, spacey, bright, confused. i am the moon. i am the unconscious on the surface. ideas are flooding through. old demons are slithering away back to the shadow and i know soon the shadow will slither away too. i don’t feel like making logical sense. feels like too much containment to make logical sense. i need right brained action this morning. getting on the mat feels too hard so i may take a long walk instead. not sure if i can hold my muscles in place. so fatigued. so looking forward to a week with my folks in vegas. needing to get out of this routine i have been in non-stop since i was in vegas last. when was that? christmas? yeah, i think it’s been about five months. the sky is blue. the sun is warming the land. the ceiling fan is always on. i feel emptied out and flattened out like a pancake. i don’t know. maybe i wont post this blog but i suppose i just will. this blog is written from the energy of a wilted flower. i need to get my energy levels back up this morning so yeah, gonna force myself out on a fast walk before work. ladeeda blah blah blah boring boring blog oh well, stream of consciousness come on through for two more minutes, the color blue, the way the dawn feels when i am not feeling blue is pink but this is a blue dawn, i am depleted i think, but maybe not, maybe i am just detoxing from the health kick i have been on this past week…it’s hard to say so i just wont say it, gonna listen to music instead and play it like it’s rolling through…

getting the weekend out on monday morning…

monday is here again. i have not interacted with anybody since friday evening, except to order coffee or pay for something at a store. solitude city. so much solitude that interacting will feel strange today for a minute. learning to jump from the cold pool to the hot pool and switch modes with grace. i needed the silence to get my paper done. sometimes being with others makes it too hard for me to focus and tap into my intelligence. i am so freakin sensitive. so sensitive that i found myself wide awake with insomnia saturday night feeling existential fear and sorrow. sometimes being alone at night, in my shabby abode, i feel alone in a way that terrifies me. i feel existentially alone. the things humans do to be human is very grounding. it’s grounding to sleep beside somebody at night. it’s grounding to cook and eat dinner with another and to check in with them each day. it’s grounding to take care of a pet. ground control to major tom. oh, but i have been on the ground. finished my work yesterday afternoon and spent all day in the park making art and laying in trees. summer is here and i think it’s here to stay. i gotta write a huge paper due mid-august but my goal will be to have sunday afternoons spent laying in trees and making art in the park. self care is extra vital right now as the world crumbles and i am pushed past my limit with school and the sorrow of being alone in a home that temporary with no future home in sight. scary. i feel fucking terrified for my future, to be quite honest. i don’t know how i am going to make it in this world, sometimes. i know i am beckoning my underworld journey, for my paper, and i suppose it is here, greeting me. hello shadow. fear, hello. just keep breathing through it. making art helps so much. there is this huge beautiful tree stump the size of a small studio, in the park. kids play on it. adults play on it. i sat on it and felt the tree both dead and alive at once. i drew the spirit of the tree mixed with the spirit of me. i found comfort in my death. i felt sorrow for chris cornell’s death. there was a memorial created in the park for him. i could feel his soul inside the sorrow of his fans. his death was likely an accidental suicide, due to taking too much ativan. he was young and close with his wife and kids, according to what i read. how devastated they must be. life can change in the blink, remember. your life mate could die in the blink. you could die in the blink. security is truly an illusion. the good thing about spending so much time alone in a rice and beans bohemian style fashion, is that i am not attached to what can go away in the blink. don’t get me wrong, i wanna get attached. i want to live a human life. but i am glad to form detachment before attachment, for round two. i am very attached to my parents, which is round one. i was very attached to my wounds for a long time. i know attachment well. i suppose, since summoning the shadow, i have been steeping in death. the shadow is not only what the ego cannot metabolize in terms of characteristics, but also what the ego cannot metabolize in terms of actions, such as death at any moment. maybe it’s sick, but i feel proud of my ability to enter the shadow boldly. i feel like a pioneer. pluto, planet of death, is right over my north node in the exact degree, house twelve. i take it to mean many things, and one thing is that pluto is asking me to surrender to what feels like lack in my life. it is not lack. it is a call to find fulfillment in house twelve matters, namely, unconditional love, compassion, spirit, oneness. it is abundance that i am without the temporal comforts of the human being and i do have some comforts. i have a roof, food, friends, education, and family. i have a lot. my culture teaches me that without a mate, a nice home, and plenty of money, i don’t have the goods. part of this has to do with identifying with my cultural baseline. anyhow, no more analyzing. time to get on the mat. routine routine routine…

notes from a cynical frame of mind and sensitive heart…

wrote all day yesterday and toward the end i finally started sounding like an adult who can make sentences. hoping today this trend continues. summer is here, the sky is blue, the weather is warm but i will be holed up in a cafe again. i will do what i did yesterday again. go to one cafe and then take a sun break and walk across my hood to go to another cafe. two more days of this and my paper and proposal best be done. this is requiring pure force. there is nothing in me that wants to write this paper and speak from the logical brain about what i think is the foundation of health and pathology. there is nothing in me that feels like being philosophical right now. i am too deep in the bowels of my underworld journey. i am in the slime and sludge. not really. actually i am no place at all. the moment i wrote that is the moment i realize i am nowhere. i am not anything or anyone at all. i don’t feel depersonalized or dissociated, i just feel undefined and expansive. you can’t box me in. i don’t want to box my mind in. but i must and so i will subordinate for the larger purpose of wanting to graduate. this blog is boring. i have nothing interesting to say this morning. dreamed about being deep in queens new york and working at a mental health agency. was trying to help a fellow colleague and friend who was losing her sanity on herself but doing great with her clients. i wonder if this was spawned by a feeling i had last night of my tether to linear time. insanity allows one to leave the mental matrix of human enslavement and live on another mental dimension all together. i haven’t lost my tether but i understand how it is freedom from a certain angle. this human world is so tangled up in an ancient multigenerational wound so profound that pretty much everybody has lost sanity in their own hearts even if the mind can think linearly and progress through a lifetime doing what is expected of us and wearing enough blinders to move forward in one way or another. oh wow, does this sound cynical? i am feel extra sensitive. feeling the pain of the world. best to remove the cynicism and just feel the raw hurt. i will go for a walk through the city streets with my headphone again this morning to burn it off. i feel maxed out, man. i feel pushed to some internal limits. chris cornell had too much ativan in his system and it caused him to hang himself. it shouldn’t have happened. i still cannot stop thinking about him. i feel for his wife and children. time wont go backwards. the now can feel like a prison. oh, hello cynicism again. what is my deal? i hear: you’re just tired and lonely for what you hunger for in your soul as you travel on the road without it. and this too shall pass. i do have love, wisdom, and creativity. onward…