monday mutterings…

dreamed last night that i kept forgetting my purse, keys, belongings and felt so tired everywhere i attempted to go, was confused, and experienced a loss of coherent reality. scary dream. this guy told me, in the dream, that he was dying of cancer, and then he kissed me. there were other happenings too. fear dream. dislocation. representing the fall of my ego off the throne into fated love. unsure and uncertain with no guarantee. a feeling of rightness. a risk. a leap. anything can happen at any moment to anyone.

to live with any other understanding is to build false castle walls. many negative castle walls were built to serve the old kingdom over the years. the mind scaffolding a hurting heart with an identity that identifies with the hurt. no more believing the negative stories of the mind. no more i can’t have it and i am not good enough. no more criticizing myself to avoid intimacy. no more negative romance, where bad endings and sad songs rule my heart. got to steep in that for many years and passing it along to the millennials to scoop up. giving them a turn. it’s good to let go of rigid character traits that petrified over time.  no more loyalty to a sadistic king who keeps me in a dungeon. no more looking up at the light because the shadows are my home. i have a shadow side and a light side. i am both. love permeates both.

happiness is not about never feeling sad. happiness is about growing without infringement. be it growing in a garden or through a cement crack. life gives us both. the opposite of happy is not sad, it is withering. sadness is a natural part of growing. withering is growth’s antithesis. i realized last week just how hungry i was for companionship when i said out loud how alone i was here in seattle, with what little family i have, far away. i am not lonely in my soul. when i go within, i feel closeness with spirit. i am lonely as an animal. i thrive in relationship. i want to domesticate and be part of a family, with him. the old me was a lone wolf bohemian thriving in an urban oasis. i always wanted partnership but i did not need it in the past, per se. i need it now and i am not afraid to admit that. animals have needs and people change. i want to see trees outside my window, or the water. i don’t want to see cement city blocks. i want to cook stew and write for hours. i want home. cravings and longings. a sense of passionate urgency grips my soul. why? i don’t know. i don’t need to know. we change, we let go to grow.

walking through discovery park was blissful. the salty shore crashing by our feet. silver sunlight on silver water. trotting through the forest. when we got to the duck oasis we were sucked into another realm completely. the duck realm where ducks are being ducks, all at once. he imitated the preening duck needing to show his bigness with wings and no hands. these animal ways we have about us often command how we behave. i am not against my animal ways. i am not against blood, puss, and shit. i am not against needing to domesticate or preen and be big. i think the human experience is a work of art. no need for a heaven or a nirvana to escape into when life gets hard. the right here part that will go fast and be over soon, is where i place my heart.

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