from the sea of the playful i create…

haven’t written in so long. may be the longest i have gone in five years? feels strange to return here, to this place called blog. so much has happened…on the inside. i have sunk deeper into what is present when the veil thins between the conscious and unconscious mind, or between the physical and etheric realms. in sinking deeper into the unconscious, i experience how much more playful life is here. in contrast, the realm of the ego or conscious mind…is serious as all hell. i feel both sides but i feel playfulness as a deeper root. this last stint with my cohort family at school was medicine. my teacher, with simply her presence, seems to lift the veil, allowing for deeper immersion into whatever she is teaching us. she showed us different methods of creating narratives, moving from the right to left brain instead of left to right brain. what a difference! to create a story from pictures and symbols is drastically different than to talk oneself into the story from the ego’s field. try it out. talk about what death means to you by just talking about it. next, go collect three objects in nature that call to you and from these three objects, tell the story of what death means to you. see for yourself what i speak of. this time at school, my emotional body was calm. i got rocked in a different way. my perception was transformed. i dove into the sea of mystery. the sea of mystery does not claim what things are. and so i explore without labeling or claiming. i am seeing what life shows me without possessing what i want or need. the right brain or unconscious part of me needs only to experience, to be, to play. there are no goals or linear time. this part of me is the artist and the lover, the dreamer and inspirer. the left brain or conscious part of me is the tender. i tend to souls including my own. i tend to goals. i tend to this body and my physical experience. i make sense of my experiences with logic and give my life meaning through creating a narrative like the movie of me. he said that feelings are only temporary and not to be trusted. this frustrated me. i wanted to explain how some feelings are constant. my feeling of love for art and music, the playful feeling of living in a body, the sorrow of loss, the anger toward injustice, and the joy for sunsets are examples. these feelings may ebb and flow in intensity but they never leave. they are permanently installed in this body. he fears not feeling the same for somebody as he does in the now, romantically. he fears his emotional changes. i understand that. i don’t know the experience of being in love with somebody over many years. i imagine into it and think that the feeling would ebb and flow but never leave if it’s the kind of love where a lifetime simply isn’t mutually long enough to share with a partner. or, the feeling vacates for me, for him, or for both of us. and so it is. i suppose i see the truth in this. you cannot control the tides. you cannot control feelings. i am not afraid of heart break or loss nor am i afraid to be the heart breaker if i am the one who no longer feels in love. i am self possessed. if i lose, i grieve and move on and if i have to be the one breaking the heart, i allow the other to feel the pain and move on. the benefit of being so self possessed is that it allows for me to experience a fuller spectrum without resisting hurt. i like that. i never did desire to live only inside one box of experience…

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