babbling about love and attraction on tuesday…

slept dodgy in the the yucky heat. restless legs. asmr videos on repeat. not much in the head. long nothing of a night in the soupy heat watching dumb crap on the internet. a night of nothingness. but i realized stuff earlier. new lessons rooted in balancing and adaptivity. seeing my mind try too hard to manage fear or forget to just sit and let the feelings breathe. how to live in such a high contrast black and white time when painful journeys weave into growth and joy? i don’t feel like writing about it. i don’t feel like writing. i am feeling drained from the mind to be honest. needing a break from all of the managing, fixing, understanding, analyzing. needing a yin break, dude. needing to let go of trying. needing to get on the mat again this morning. not really feeling the jogging. the night was intense but i don’t know why. when my alarm when off i was confused about time and place. one of those nights when i feel like my soul was taken away. gonna let the words topple out easier than i usually do and see what words come out when logic is not the glue. illusions crash. sexual attraction is dime a dozen. and it’s not about falling in love like a twenty something. it’s about two hearts that belong together. i know this but i don’t know whose heart i belong with. i am tired of all the old ways of going about it. i mean like, totally sick of it. i mean like, i don’t have it in me to see through the lens of the hungry animal. only through the soul. sometimes soul takes over. my soul it taking over. i was saying to them how some people are just super beautiful specimens, here to make everyone who sets eyes on them want them, have a crush, feel a spark, hope for a connection. it’s not special because they cause this feeling in eight of ten people who meet them and are sexually into their gender form. it’s as if they are the adonis or aphrodite archetype incarnate. i have some of these friends and have seen it in action. some people fall for it and think it is love. these people think love is about choosing somebody beautiful like a prize or possession. the hot ones get used the most. i do not want to be with a hot person. it would be too hard knowing my guy was making everyone want them instantly, by nature of their sex appeal. personally, i am a fan of imperfections and inner beauty that radiates into outward beauty, making the outward beauty something more unique. i have been often rejected for my body size by men and most of my friends would not choose to be with a person who carries extra weight. i think it’s too bad. i would choose it. carrying some extra weight means you know how to enjoy life. i want to be with the guy whose heart fits with my heart no matter what package his body comes in. if he turns out to be a totally hot thin man i will love him, even if i prefer a uniquely handsome guy with some extra weight on him, cause that is what i am. but i don’t need a twinsie. i just want real love, not somebody cute or powerful to possess, who makes me feel better about myself due to their image. sexual attraction, for me, has little to do with visuals. it has more to do with the heart and mind. a warm generous heart, wise soul, and intelligent mind with a good sense of humor will make me swoon much more than a beautiful shell. but the adonis shell can effect me too, if i need to be activated by one. i see them as humanitarians. sometimes you just need a little activation. these are my babbling rants. blah blah blah. the end…

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