ode to the practice and repetition…

tired pms morning after a restless night’s sleep and not ready for monday. a lot of hard news came to me in the past few days. news of death and illness from friends about them or loved ones in their life that i do not know. this heart is shadow and light all the way right now. glad i spent three days completely alone and working. needed it so badly. yesterday i ran into ruby at the book store and wound up joining her for part the half day retreat at vajra healing center. felt so fucking good to meditate with others in that peaceful space. afterward i came home and did an afternoon yoga practice, which i never do. meditation made me crave yoga. i realized i have finally passed into the stage where yoga feels as good as eating. it gives me a dopamine hit. meditation gave me a dopamine hit too. after delving into gabor mate’s in the realm of hungry ghosts i am thinking about (or feeling out) the hungry void in me that seeks replacements for the deep down childhood anguish. my addiction has always been food. even in my days of excessive drinking, it was never connected to the void of anguish inside. food was/is. food gives me the dopamine hit of love. anyhow, for yoga to make it into the same category of food is an accomplishment. it’s taken three and a half years for this to happen. or wait, four and a half? i don’t recall if i began my disciplined practice in 2013 or 2014? since then, i have only gone one month (recently) where i was down to only two days a week of yoga. otherwise, i have practiced 3 to 6 days a week, regularly. it is this regular practice that changed my entire life and continues to do so. i do yoga at home now cause i like it better. if i can add meditation to the discipline, completion. it is the daily work that makes all the difference, i have learned. i used to live in a dream world, unregulated, all over the place, uncentered, thrashing around, my will disconnected from my my heart, my mind disconnected from my body. yoga connected my will to my heart and my mind to my body and now i live centered and in reality. reality being what is here right now before me and what is within me, with me as true self awake in the center. the humbling part is if i stop doing yoga, this all goes away. no different than if i stop brushing my teeth they will turn yellow and get cavities. it is ALL about the practice. humbled by this. self love has taken years to feel but i can say that, although i still can be overly critical of myself and get trapped by the “not good enough” vow at times, self love is solid. how did that happen? i would also say it is the regular practice. repetition truly is magic…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s