haven’t blogged in days. almost forgot about blogging as a something i do regularly. speaks to the kind of week it has been. the eclipse took me for a ride so intense. right before, i was light light light. felt the beauty and gifts in everyone around me and was doing the positive talk thing i do in a sort of hyper, maybe slightly obnoxious fashion. the eclipse arrived and i got to see it with the glasses a clinician brought and shared with everyone. wonder, stillness, surreal, magic. all the fuzzy feelings. until about an hour later. i am breathing like i am having a panic attack and i feel the most tender sorrow enter my heart. i wish to crawl inside the earth like a mole and hide. tea and binaural beats from friends are offered and i am able to stave off the sickness and emotional sensitivity within a few hours and get back to what i do. but once home, it hits again in the form of nausea. all i can do is plop on the couch until bed. wake up, do yoga, feel nauseas again and notice a mysterious bruise arrive on arm and not sure how. scary bruise. i freak out but know i am freaking out. then a tidal wave of sorrow mixed with fear hits. sorrow for not being with my man. fear for being alone. overwhelm for the intense state of transition i am going through and feeling no sense of home. the animal feels devastated and terrified. beyond consolation. i paint it out. cry it out. have a convo that ignites deeper sorrow cause i feel shame and unseen…or…the archetype feels shame and unseen. the sorrowful fallen angel archetype within is much bigger than me. the archetype is my ancestors and it seeks to be heard, honored, and loved. it considers running into the safety of an ashram because life feels too painful. i am reminded to give space for the archetype to have her voice. this calms her. then i am given a shamanic healing spontaneously by a friend. i send my ancestors back through the veil. it is too much to be their avatar. i call upon an etheric avatar to be a bridge between me and my ancestors. i come into the full present moment, paired down, sparse, simple, five senses. i touch the hand of my man on the etheric level. i really feel him and so does my shamanic friend. he is gentle, kind, and my soul connects to his music completely. i feel calmed and centered. the sorrow lifts. i am reminded that by choosing nourishing romantic love, i heal my ancestors. back home i chill out and feel back to myself. the archetype has receded back into the unconscious again. we talked about how the archetypes live through us as shattered parts of oneness that came into being when soul incarnated into form. the archetypes collect story after story of pain and subjugation as they move from body to body and life to life, invisible to the five sense but the foundation of every human animal. there are joyous archetypes too but it is important to give lots of space for the pain to speak, be validated, and receive love. she gave the archetype the love it needed this time around and she reminded me of sacred regulation: one thing at a time. next morning i feel back to center. my gums ache though. the animal is still tender and lost a bit. the veil that opened during the eclipse, allowing all the energies of the universe in on all dimensions, is closing again. slowly closing. i still feel disoriented. i had nightmares last night about being constantly watched and having no freedom or agency. so much is emerging for healing. mercury is retrograde. the words feel stuck but the heart feels open. we all need love. i am giving love to myself and i also feel oddly disconnected from others. i feel like we are all in our own bubbles right now. or maybe it is just me in my own bubble of regeneration, in the deep. the energies are shifting continually though. i will emerge from the cave soon. this eclipse is no joke. it’s huge. been so emotional and uncomfortable going through this. but that’s ok. i do it for me and for us. i do it for the love we are.
here is the painting i made: