mosquitos return me to the inner light…

the itching from my mosquito bite decimation is finally subsiding. i tell you what, nature can feel cruel sometimes. i am happy to be a city rat right now. these emotions will pass. i concocted a natural anti-bug essential oil spray that smells good. onward through the end of summer. feeling centered again after my fall into moody chaos shadow soup being stirred by sarcastic and hungry dragons. found the light in the darkness (which is the best kind, in my opinion). there is the light found in the light, like when things go right in your life and all is well…when the animal is happy with itself and enjoying. and then there is the light found in the darkness. this light is usually only sought after when the outside world is feeling too hard, cruel, wrong, and the animal is facing so much battle that it needs to retreat to spirit for nourishment. for me, spirit lives within, not outside self or up in the sky. i found spirit’s light within myself. the light that needs nothing on the outside to go good in order to shine. the light that never goes out. the light that is independent of the animal’s needs. the light of the soul. i found it after emailing with a friend whom i walk beside in the underworld with. we both reminded each other to dive deeper into the rich watery shadow realm, to find our light. it worked. my reality switched. i decided to meander and take the day off from work. was led to a new tarot deck that is based in the arthurian legend. celtic shamanism has always resonated strongly with my sense of soul familiarity but i have not delved into it since i lived in santa fe seventeen years ago. spiritual ancestry is not the same as blood ancestors. anyhow, i did a reading on myself about what i need to continue with the spiritual transformation i am going through. the reading reconnected me with my soul path. this past week i had fallen off the path into some messy tangential fires, not without beauty yet risky in terms of making the hungry animal my narrator. i was reminded, while putting laundry away, that the counter-narrative i need for balance, is to look at life with more positivity and detachment. my familiar comfort zone is to dwell in the negative and feel very attached to every move i make. walking through the city streets, i was reminded of the ancient tree in volunteer park that told me to zoom out more often and remember how short life is, to not make everything such a life and death matter. i was then reminded of my solar eclipse lesson of detachment, according to a certain astrologer. when i bough the tarot deck, the shop owner made a comment about me putting a positive spin on her story because i am a therapist in the making. i thought about how a client said that to me a few weeks ago in group. i realized how abundantly and easily i do this for others. the positive spin is authentic and from the heart, not forced or made just to make somebody feel better. how easy it is to give and how hard it can be to receive. the true juggling act, i now understand, is to perceive the expression of all feelings, personality traits, and wounds, as positive and life affirming on the quest of bringing the spirit light within to the surface of my being and going through the alchemical process of spiritual transformation. this is the quest of the holy grail. there’s a line in the book of the deck i bought…about transforming self from the wounded king into a person made whole by the elements. hits home hard, those words. nature, you’re a clever trickster. the mosquito bites led me back to the inner light of spirit, reminding me that i am being made whole by the elements, like a mud ball turning into a pearl. forgetting happened for the exact reason of remembering.

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