from the mouth of a whale…

felt so good to get the out of the city and be on the island that is a small piece of my bliss. it went too quick but still…the air, the green water, the slow pace, the calm feeling, the conversation, all brought me back to center. maybe i dream of living in a small house on an island one day. maybe the northwest is truly my home. maybe i don’t truly have a home. tarot cards were pulled and it showed up again. the burden of responsibility. dreams last night confirmed how i still wish to not have any. not ashamed to admit this. the gypsy artist wants nothing to do with responsibility. i called it the gypsy sabotage. maybe cause my friend mirrors a part of me, i was brought back to an inner conflict i thought has passed through me like a kidney stone. it’s always humbling when you realize that parts of the self don’t die but just get in the back seat of the car. it’s always sad to not let what feels like your most alive part drive the car. and yet, from hardship, responsibility, and turning towards plan b, a new self births and that’s the goal of the soul (albeit not the ego). it’s all about expansion of character. character is the soul’s treasure. therefor, it’s not about wading in familiar waters of personality and wrapping yourself in the comfort of what you know. so i bought a henry miller book of essays for inspiration. he always helps me let go and embrace everything. the taurus moon has me feeling like fixating on the long term and what this ego wants to possess for a time. i want to possess a certain life, i admit it. not ashamed of my ego or my shadow. i finished my first draft of the big paper and sent it out to my paper partner. finally! now on to the next paper while i wait for my draft to come back to me to edit it. i have come so far. i don’t need to only identify with the light half of who i am anymore. i can happily and playfully admit that i wish to be a drifting artist gypsy responsible for nothing, living for the moment, careless and free. i don’t need to want to raise kids to validate my identity as a woman or adult either. i don’t need to pretend to be all good and noble. my love for humanity is felt and does not need morality. i live a life based on authenticity. i am caring less and less about what others think of me as i integrate the shadow. all of this would not have happened without grad school and the heavy weight of responsibility. i think of my mom each second of the day. i think of my dad and my sisters. i call upon my ancestors as i breathe the liquid air that feels like dna soup. we saw baby birds in a nest inside one of the fortes. such vulnerable little creatures, waiting for mamma to feed their tiny bodies. moves me every time…

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