saturday talk of the fever..

yesterday was a long capricorn moon day of calm and deliberate paper writing focus. sat in the air conditioning and slowly threaded my voice into the paper, best i could when i still am not able to completely channel it due to having to stick to a structure devised by a system i do not fit into. many hours later i spent the evening talking and imbibing and walking and the conversation eventually heated up to talking about the big things like fascism and how it can mask itself inside of social justice. and why don’t we question, in our desire to create equality, the supposed word of god that creates laws for humans that oppress the freedom of choice for women and the lgbtqia community and we only focus on the humanitarian part of having religious tolerance and not being prejudice. and how scared we feel to have a voice. and how to let go of trying to save and fix and just do that part we are here to do. and can they live off grid. and how i am a city rat. and how i felt my russian dna and wanted to talk loud and argue and how it felt like the end of the world. and our privilege right there alive in the conversation. and how capitol hill still has its spirit. on and on. the heat and smoke in the air making our words blaze. the indigenous ancestor in me crying out for justice as she has been for thousands of years. the punk teenager in me. the psychologist. the healer. and the boy in my dreams last night. dreamed inside of a dream of the man for me. we were in the car, he was driving. he was tall and lanky. nothing had happened yet. i took his hand in mine. he kissed my hand. i kissed his hand. then he kissed me and my entire world went topsy turvy inside my head. the kiss was tender and rearranged every cell in my body, made me dizzy, made me fall in love. i knew he was the one. woke up from the dream inside the dream and told my friend about it, saying, “he’s tall and lanky,” those are the words that stuck. as i am telling her this i also said i dreamed of nuclear war happening and i knew it would. suddenly we were in a post nuclear war landscape. nuclear war had happened. it became real. i was calm about it…

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