telling tuesday wassup…

my dad told me to write about the heat wave so i will. it wasn’t too hot last night but the worst days are supposedly coming up this wednesday through sunday. my place is in the third floor with west facing windows. basically it turns into an oven after 5 pm. the image i think of is baking cookies and i am the cookie dough. dreading it. i looked up hotel prices and the very cheapest, that isn’t a seedy roach motel, is 130 a night. not sure i can swing it. but i do have some savings. a friend left a message saying i could stay at her place, as they will be gone, but they have no air conditioner. it would be a little cooler though it’s far from everything without a car. not feeling that. maybe i sweat and suffer through it. natural detox? i don’t know. i am overwhelmed per usual but i am getting used to being overwhelmed on the daily. it’s surprising how calm you can be when you let in every experience. like, hard experiences are just hard experiences. feel it and keep on moving through. i was kind of manic yesterday for some reason. we saw a dead crow on the way to work. my friend saw it anyhow. reality felt different. one of those days where life feels like a movie. but today it is back to the ordinary. i dreamed about my mom. i feel so sad. i think the viscous wall of goo protecting me from the sadness is doing a very good job of helping me be present for my paper and clients. though i also feel i need to cry for hours into the moon. i guess there’s a solar eclipse coming up. it’s summer. people have plans, vacations, fun things. i feel so disconnected from plans, vacations, fun. responsibility and illness have me in the grips. i have no time for anything. i even dreamed of telling one of my friends i have no time. it is what it is is the mantra i am using, not to dismiss the overwhelm, but to not melt into a pool of nothingness. i don’t mean to complain. i cannot even think about the horrible state of political affairs i am ignoring with privilege to do so that i know sucks. it is dead crows everywhere. at the same time, i am not in a rut. i feel inspired. i feel magical. i love my work. i love my friends. for as painful and upsetting every single moment is with my mom having to go through cancer and none of us knowing what the outcome will be, i am thankful to have a mother i love and care for deeply. looking at my solar return chart for the year shows my desires pitted and longings polarized, brought on by my mom’s health. i will have to give up one aspect of my identity to make two opposing needs find balance in my life. which one? have not pulled cards on it yet. was thinking about how being a reader has gotten me used to knowing the future and following spiritual guidance has become a part of the mundane. it’s not something that’s weird to me. we all live in our mental paradigms. they are like steel bubbles for many. i want mine to be more like gossamer. the escape artist of belief systems but with a strong sense of truth in my heart too.

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