sunday squeezing the life force out of me…

i am writing this blog to get me into writing practice before going at it with my paper because today i feel heavy hearted. tragedy soup. oppressive feelings weighing on my brain and i cannot seem to transcend it. may i feel at ease with tragedy soup. calling upon my ancestors to help my mom, my dad, my entire family and me. cancer is wreaking havoc and my mom is fighting and it’s a fucking rollercoaster ride and my parents are sweet beautiful beings and i don’t want my mom to suffer and i am so very tired, so very tired, so very tired. i don’t think i can internet date. what was i thinking? i think my heart could connect with a certain variety of the male persuasion but i don’t think i can meet him from scratch off the internet. it wipes me out and never feels right. i just want my one guy but remain open to love the one i am with too because i can hold multitudes right now. what i seek is a feeling i cannot describe. i can’t hunt for it either. i hardly have the energy to show up each day. i am withering. i am melting. my soul feels partially like it is dying. i feel so sad. but these are only words in the moment. ask me in an hour and this all will feel completely different. feelings come and go. and this too shall pass. watched more of gypsy on netflix and i have decided i really don’t like the show. the main character is so unlikable. she is shitty to everyone she is close with, self absorbed, too unrealistic, and all the upper middle classness of the constant expensive drinks and eating out in fancy restaurants scenes are annoying. the show is eye candy if you like the way pretty people look being sexual with each other but it’s so boring to me, not even shocking. i kind of am liking hating the show though. it’s a healthy innocent outlet for the frustration in my blood. lately even shows feel like too much. i am craving silence. a song just came on in the cafe that is one of my mantras. let me blow ya mind is the name. love the video too. it’s a sign to pull up my strength. i need to. i need tiger stripes and black eyes. help me, ancestors. help me, fire. help me, wind creatures. wipe this oppressive tragedy from my eyes. life is bigger. like the tree told me this morning, i am just a blip in the endless expanse of time…

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