speaking animal on saturday….

there is a viscous wall of gelatinous goo protecting me from feeling too much sorrow, grief, fear, and pain right now. i can literally feel the wall keeping me from the emotions. i can also literally feel my female ancestors, mom to mom, and they are telling me how psychic the women are. i am the only one in the recent generations to consciously embrace it, but it’s a part of the female bloodline. my mom is incredibly in touch with her body and knows things in her heart. she is not afraid of death and feels past lives, just like me, even though she lives on the plane of matter of factness. i feel my ancestors giving my mom strength and bringing me messages. it has only just begun. still dating but i don’t know. sometimes my truth tells me i would rather be completely in the ashram until the one makes his presence known. my tolerance to compartmentalize is low. i don’t know if what i am doing is healing or not. staying open but discerning. i really don’t need a man. who knew this would be life’s plan. the sun is out and sky is blue. went to bed so early. get tired like at nine. maybe to protect myself cause so much is felt at night. been watching the show gypsy on netflix. i like that is highlights the shadow and ego with uber drama but it’s such a cliche shadow with all the booze and looks oriented sexuality. total rip off of the lovers in orange is the new black too. i think i prefer the show causal on hulu, also with a therapist but more grounded in how awkward real life feels. i like that. gypsy is beautiful people drinking often and well beyond their years afford, being sexual with other beautiful people like it’s that easy. boring. but i do like how it shows the duality of shadow and ego in the main character. the entire reason we have dramas is because people expect honesty, purity, morality and goodness only. since doing my own shadow integration work i feel a much lighter heart toward it all. if people mess up, it is ok. don’t have to be so reactive is somebody is attracted to somebody outside the relationship. and if you fall out of love with one person and in love with another, so life goes. if you are in love with two or more people, it can be figured out. we are messy humans with a shadow and ego side. it can get dangerous but that’s more a product of repression not acceptance. i know it takes a ton of healing to be differentiated enough to give people space, i don’t mean to underestimate how hard it is. i am happy i feel independent enough in my life to allow love to come, change, and go. i value honesty but sometimes hiding, denial or deceit happens. i might sound judgemental. oh well. judgement happens too. it’s ok. taking it all out of the shadow. anyhow, too much to write about here. finis…

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