tired friday dribbles…

it’s weird to not blog every day anymore but it’s hard to find the time. for anything. but the stuff i am already cramming into each day. too much to handle. harder than i imagined. but doing it. doing it because i am able to keep a strong structure of wake up time, bed time, yoga, jogging, solitude, and time to be with spirit. if my structure sways, the whole tower falls. there is not room for leeway in this balancing act. so glad my mom switched doctors. the new doctor is present and pays attention to her. hope. i don’t know what to say. my ego has melted into my unconscious. i don’t know how i am so present but i am. breathing? awareness? self work pays off, that’s for sure. the wounds continue to wash away like sand castles. the question of where i belong continues to float in the air, but what i do know is that i need to go where my purpose will blossom. it’s more about that than me or my mom. and this is sad but i chose it before i was born. not me, per se, but the sentience that me is a part of. everyone takes their turn going through everything. here i am going through it. this body knows birth and will know death. this body will grieve the death of those i love the most and grieves the loss of health. this body is the vehicle i embody for this life and it’s like a painting. i need to paint. maybe i need to paint more than i need to date. maybe maybe maybe. there being so little time means that it’s one or the other unless they take turns every other week. life is a ride and aging is a humbling process. the sky has been grey past two mornings. i am burning cedar incense. soon to get on the mat again before spending the day writing the paper i cannot wait to be done with because after twenty one edits and writing sessions my passion for explaining the subject is fading. oh well. insert reaction here. i am a human. i react. everything is so zoomed out this morning. i guess i am tired.

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