back to seattle life…

the first line of the first poem i wrote in sixth grade was, “life is a mystery without a clue, each brand new day it holds something new.” i feel that right now. i am living in a torn state every day because i do not want to live in las vegas but i want to live near my parents and they are not willing to relocate here. i am feeling torn between building my own life and sacrificing for my parents whom i love so much. i don’t know the right thing to do. i have a final paper due in a few weeks and i am dating too. first date was last night. it went alright. we are very different people. he is kind. i feel so lost inside. i mean, i am found in the sense i know i am becoming a therapist and i know who i am, but lost every place else. what i really want are roots and a life partner but seems like i cannot have these experiences right now in my life. no, i don’t want to root in las vegas. but i could be there for a time. but i don’t want to put off becoming a therapist. but being there for my parents is very important for me. round and round the merry round i go as sacrifice will have to made one way or the other. torn up like confetti as i write about the shadow and go on dates, see clients and jog through the city streets. tears, so many of them. maybe i could have a good life in vegas? tears, so many of them, for my mom’s health, for my dad and mom, for the way life ages us and for cancer plaguing my mom and so many people. the pain of it all. embracing it all. knowing this is life. maybe i could live in seattle and visit more often? staying expanded. always in the throws of something intense, it seems. never really was one to have a light-hearted bouncy ball life. blue sky. summer. gotta get on the mat. the small moments bring the joy. like work today when we sing. like my morning coffee. like catharsis and dark blue paint. the scent of jasmine. the play of fate. i dunno. i am undoing….

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