desert blog…

been in vegas with my parents. so many feelings. anger and sorrow. the question “why” that only leads to suffering. cancer, i do not believe, has a why answer. seems like it can strike anybody, repressed emotions or expressed emotions, great health or poor health, old and young. i am still a health nut who expresses all of her emotions and i still feel that much of life is a vibrational match to what is happening in the deep down of the self, but you cannot pigeon hole and say everything is due to this or that. not in my book, anyhow. your narrative may be different. i know in my heart, that nature embraces the variety, and hence anything is possible on both ends of the spectrum. life is so intense. you just don’t know when suddenly everything will change for the worse or better. this is why buddhism, cognitive behavioral therapy, nlp, and other cognitive methods come into being…to help us with our minds reaction to what life brings. how the mind reacts to the thing happening adds or reduces suffering. pick one. right? through engaging in the exploration of my unconscious and especially my collective shadow, i have learned that you can do a ton of work on the surface, aka: the conscious mind, and still suffer just as much, even if you are master at watching the story without attaching to it, reframing your thoughts to something more positive, or whatever cognitive technique helps you manage. i lived it. i became a master of not reacting to my mind, feeling my self as breath, and never felt more angry in my entire life. wasn’t until the shadow work did my unconscious and conscious find one another, and instead of mental peace, i have found something deeper…i don’t know how to put words to it yet, but it’s like wholeness, presence, embodiment, grace. i am always learning. last night the sorrow was profound. i could have cried an ocean. but i didn’t let myself go the way i can when i am alone. i acknowledged the sorrow with some tears and told my parents not to be afraid of them. it’s dumb to be scared of feelings, i said like a kid. mom agreed. crying is like pooping out of your eyes. you would not want to hold poop in would you? our family has been sweeping feelings under the rug for generations. we are all taught to do it. i am here to say, no more. feel em and embrace them.

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