the light coming through a crack….

i should blog. i really need to blog. i don’t want to speak about my life though. i really do not feel like it. there’s a legit resistance. i am having so much awakening, catharsis, grief, turmoil in my mind, and i am so busy that i cannot catch up with myself to even swiffer the floor or get groceries because i have chosen to try to have a little relaxation instead of more errands and the business is making me crazy. too much is on my plate in my heart in my soul, too much too much too much. i am not busting. i am making it through but i am different. i don’t want to talk about how. i don’t want to share myself with the world. so what else can i blog about? things. like attachment, shadow, astrology, and parts work all melding together into one in my lived experience and loving it. loving seeing my clients, dating. doing it again. why? for fun. not looking for the one because i don’t know where i will be living and i don’t have the emotional capacity to consider it. my heart is filled with love enough to not need “a one” even if being with a true love is still my holy grail right now it isn’t. right now, i don’t care. i want fun. i need fun. fun is no joke right now. i need fun to balance out the hardship, inner strength, care taking, grief, sacrifice, heaviness. self care is giving the marginalized fun part embodiment. my shadow needs some embodiment. i felt permission awaken over the weekend. i guess i am talking about myself. so i am dating for fun and working hard and spending a little time with friends, though not much. i am my own independent being right now and my only attachment is to my blood family, my mom, my ancestors. aside from them, i am here and gone, here and gone. not the love, just the availability. i am the type of person who needs a lot of spacing out time, just being time, i need to move slow…and lately this is not able to happen, i am thrown in the fire. so i feel really crazy. not diagnosable crazy, colloquial crazy. i am not who i was. i am in the middle of transformation and coming apart. my mom is going through so much with cancer treatment. i don’t want to talk about it. i feel her in my heart as myself. my psyche is rolling on a log on a river and all the hard work i have done on myself through the years is the spinning gem in the center of my happy soul who knows that life is meant to be like this. i know it, no matter what. life, death, illness, health, accidents, abundance, loss, gain, i am embracing it all…

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