underworld sunshine…

hardly slept from loud fire work sounds all night. i cannot stand fireworks or the celebratory aspect of basically any holiday. don’t get me wrong, i enjoy gathering with loved ones over food, drink, conversation, dancing…i just don’t like the predictability of holidays and i don’t like the woo-hoo thing or the getting wasted aspect. i get it. we are animals and need to find ways to let out the animal. i probably sound very judgemental. let me balance out and make fun of myself for a moment. i am that misanthropic type who has a sarcastic disregard for anything typical and banal, look at me, a crusty crow sitting up in her tree yapping away because she was a pariah growing up. or something along these lines. i don’t mind teasing myself. we are all doing the best we can. my dislike is not for the people doing the celebrating, it’s for the way culture is set up. a genuine anger for the old ways being appropriated. this is not to say i am not thankful for freedom of speech and the ability to be who i want to be because of the rights i am given. i love the freedom my country gives me. my deeper voice says, we should all have these rights and i feel bad to feel good about having rights others don’t. i also feel sad for the indigenous being bullied out their land. privilege guilt, admittedly. if you cannot call out your own stuff, why care? that sentence is probably stemming from reading too many inspirobot quotes. i need not mention our current leader who perfectly represents the shadow we all try to ignore as if it doesn’t exist. he is no surprise to me. i am trying to bring some levity. we got ourselves into the mess and now lets heal. i wrote all day yesterday on a quiet patio of a friend’s apartment who is out of town. i found that writing was medicine and that my paper is going to be long and i am unsure if i can trim it. met with a friend in the early evening and was home in time to watch a new show. i tell you what, i have never been so thankful for television in all my life. television and writing are my two medicines. more so than finding support in people. i guess the best support right now is a combination of purpose and distraction. it feels peaceful to be alone. though short periods of hanging out with others feels nourishing too. this is life being life. we all take turns going through the same few key things but we all have unique internal experiences with different intensity levels and stories to express the sameness. no matter what, we all know loss. we all know victory. we all know the space in between. we all face insecurity. we don’t deserve what we get and that story seems unfit because there are deeper gifts that underpin loss such as learning more about love, faith, surrender. i guess this is my true positive. finding light in the dark. the sun of the underworld….

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