at my father’s suggestion, i am going to keep blogging. my mom’s diagnosis is cancer and we wait to see what the infection is, as it could be more cancer and there is a test tomorrow to see if cancer has spread to other organs. my mom’s biggest desire and ask of me is to finish my degree. she says to see every page i write of my final paper as healing the cancer. she says she needs us all to be strong and to keep living our lives no matter what. i have spent the past week asking myself what strength is, for me. i realize, i cannot bottle my emotions and my emotions are stormy. trying to bottle them up to “be strong” is false strength. bottled emotions lead to sickness. i wont do it. letting the emotions out is healthy. it’s a true strength to know that and not see emotions as weakness or be afraid of them. when i am alone i feel more nurtured, during times of crying because i don’t have to worry about self consciousness. i am appreciative of the friends who care about me. i cannot be here for others as i usually can. this time, i need others. it’s hard to need others. words don’t help unless they remind me everything is meant to be and keep me connected to the spiritual truth i feel in my heart. i do feel this, no matter how much anger and sorrow take turns taking the stage of my heart. i feel so fucking angry that my mom has to go through this. i feel helpless and scared. i feel sad. i feel solemn. i am stormy in waves. to be strong, i will be me fully, without apologies. at work i am the healer part of me and i show up for my clients, it is so natural. in public, i keep my waves of storms under wraps, taken care of by my persona. for my mom, i give my strength as support. it’s the art of temperance to know when and where to let out what parts of self. i don’t do meditation anymore as a practice to keep me centered. i see the thoughts all the time anyhow. i stay centered through yoga and jogging, eating healthy and getting enough solitude. i give room for myself to be messy cause i am that too. i booked a ticket in a few weeks. i only have five months left till i am done with school and can go spend more time in vegas. the uncertainty and waiting for test results to come back is harrowing. we just need answers. i keep feeling that pluto over my north node is asking me to find sustenance in house twelve and to stay rational about it. i am finding sustenance in unconditional love, acceptance, oneness with spirit, shadow work, and my purpose in understanding the unconscious. i could care less about the fourth of july. i am going to work on my paper today. i don’t want to eat, drink, or imbibe my feelings in any way. i don’t want to make the pain go away with false refuge. i feel more determined to eat healthy and exercise so that i stay balanced. the sun is out today. i have hope for my mom’s healing. i am calling to the light for positive energy and healing power. i am putting in the fight. strength is giving each part a voice. the dark and the light are the same force and i am not afraid to feel the dark side as i call upon the light. i need positive vibes more than ever now, to give to my mom and to keep me going. there’s a difference between real positive and false positive. false positive represses the dark, real positive acknowledges it. love for every feeling and side. the journey continues. i see my mom surrounded in violet light and i continually visualize laser beams killing the cancer. die, cancer, die!