thursday words…

haven’t blogged in days. it’s not feeling right. i might take a break, unless i can break through this feeling of it not feeling right. unless my true self tells me this is of benefit. tomorrow we find out my mom’s exact diagnosis. this feels like the longest week ever. i am being very self-carey to my self. the best. but nothing takes the feelings away or changes them. the self care makes it so i don’t collapse. my friends feel like they are living on a land away from the land i am living on. being in the underworld is what this is. people keep wanting to make plans to see me and i keep feeling like i can’t commit. the moods change all the time. i am unable to be myself as i was. i don’t have the lightness. i feel flat inside a lot. i am coping. i feel best when working. sitting with my clients feels good because it feels good to care for others. maybe part of this is due to the fact that i cannot be where my mom is to care for her. i feel all i want to do is work and care and be alone mostly. people keep expressing they don’t want me to isolate. i am thankful for their concern. when i am alone i am not isolating, i am with spirit and being with spirit is my most important self-care so that i can show up for my mom, my family, and my life. being alone is being connected to my source of power, the divine in me. it’s when i get to really feel the divine as a support and guide. hugs feel good right now. touch. motherly care. it’s all about the mother. mothering. being mothered. the irony of this all starting to happen while the sun is in cancer, which is all about the mother, is eerily synchronistic. i have to write my first draft of the first draft of my final paper this weekend. the hippie draft as i call it. or…my true nature draft, versus the “play by the rules of society” draft. i feel suppleness for having to do this because i have chosen to infiltrate the system. i am doing my shadow work and therefor not projecting my shadow onto society right now. i am owning how i marginalize myself and also allowing the angry animal to have her feelings for being oppressed inside. this reduces my victim-reactivity toward the external world and its leaders while building my desire to do something about it through taking action. i am rooted in bringing change in the world through connecting with my true power source within…like letia neito speaks about, like jung speaks about, like the shamans understood. as within, so without. this is the direction. this is all i can do. i am determined to show up for my mom and this world and myself. white eagle shared with my reiki healer who shared with me that he is painting a feather for each ancestor and making a head dress for me. i understand that this is appropriation because i have no native blood (as far as i know) and at the same time i truly feel native american in my soul. not so much native american as connected to the ways of nature no matter what continent. in fact, i connect most with the celtic shamans because i remember a life i lived there long long ago. we did not wear head dresses but we honored our ancestors with decorations on robes. i also feel connected to a life in guatemala, though the memory is more fuzzy. my most potent indigenous memory is from my life on mu. the wound began there but that is too long of a story to go into. i like the head dress with feathers. i am very connected to birds. once this chief appeared in the reiki session, he came to me and told me to call him white eagle. a few days later i saw a white eagle flying overhead, playing or fighting with a crow or raven. the crow/raven represents the shadow. it was such a powerful sign. anyhow….i am not sure why white eagle wanted to make an appearance in blog but i felt like i needed to share. we all have so much support from the other realms…

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