heat wave yesterday. i am used to the way it goes. shut the curtains, open the windows, slather on coconut oil, stay out of the house till sundown, walk slow, drink a ton of water, ladeeda. i could not do a thing for my paper. wandered. my mom is on my mind this morning, i don’t care about blogging. i am walking up the mountain of the underworld. living my life and holding all the feelings within, in balance. still, the only inspiration is the shadow understanding awakening in me. still, i need to do art. i need to, i need to. this is a big week, where we find out the exact diagnosis for the liver part and hopefully after friday, know what treatment will look like. then we can plan our visits. there’s fear rising. shock still moves in low rumbling waves. sorrow is ever present. hope lights up everything. the warrior is in the driver’s seat. i wish i was there with my mom to be a comfort. through the garnet heart we connect. i am supposed to care about my life here but it’s hard. i let myself be present for what is directly before me. when in the presence of others i am present. i am more present. isn’t that weird? the shadow work is making me more present. pain is making me present. i am repeating myself. i feel like i have nothing to say new. it’s the same combination of feelings each day. the same tasks. the same present moment focus. the same tenderness and vulnerability. spirit is with us, each day. hope is with us. the sky is blue. the summer is here. the heat wave was only for a day. i am red and blue. the moon is in leo. the wheel keeps on turning.