the heat is here. coverless nights under a fast spinning fan. pride weekend on the hill. lots of young people getting drunk and partying through the night. i can’t remember the last time i got drunk or thought getting drunk was fun. walked through the pride festival for a second but the crowds were too much. watched a little bit of a drag show that was pretty good and then walked up the hill away, seeking quiet and air conditioning. moved this body from air conditioned box to air conditioned box, wishing i was in serene nature away from crowds. moody day. hurting and wanting to be near my mom. met a friend for a birthday dinner and she was accepting of my solemn inner child till inspiration and light returned when i started giving her a shadow reading. broke new ground. got to the living essence of the shadow with her reading and it was profound. sitting in the cool, as she called it, false utopia of the all natural grocery store, by mistake i drank caffeinated cherry cola. cherry cola reminds me of something simple i love. a nostalgia. an innocence. thankful for no calorie all natural cherry cola. it’s the little things. my mood lifted in our shadow astrology conversation. the only time it seems to lift this past week is during such talks or thoughts, research or explorations. when you cannot be with your family. when you cannot be lazily floating in a canoe on a river. when you cannot be swimming in the turquoise sea. when you cannot be fifty stories up in some fancy condo sipping on some fancy tea. when you cannot feel the ordinary world because you’ve been slam dunked into the underworld. when you just don’t want to include the model of the hero’s journey in your paper cause you are fucking sick of it and also, you never want to hear the word “bliss” again. when happiness is a random moment of life, a good friend, and….oh yeah, my dream last night. i dreamed that i was working at a furniture store and these men came in. i pretended to channel goethe and faust for them. then they came back later that day and told me i was accurate and wanted me to channel more. my nature priestess friend was working there with me too and she was all, “here this will help you,” and had me pound my legs like a drum beat to induce a trance. i started doing it again. this went on. i don’t recall how the dream ended. it reminds me of the therapist-priestess split i feel. or the therapist-oracle rather. there is an oracle in me. a psychic. i am much more that than an “intuitive reader”. when it comes to being a healer, i am much more of a therapist (who uses metaphysical tools) than a reader. so the split is real. this dream makes me feel the oracle in me wanting a voice. why the furniture store? talked with my friend last night about having enough money to buy the furniture we want and not having to shop at good will. furniture represents happiness in the form of financial stability. i wonder how the oracle and therapist will get along? i wonder if i will start channeling the dead and entities, become like edgar cayce and stray from the world of therapist? or if i will be a therapist and oracle as two separate roles? or if the oracle will always be messy and rudimentary like in my dream, where it does not become a fully developed skill? if i had tons of money i wonder how i would spend my time? money is a real thing. sucks having chiron in the second house. i want to heal this. healing is always first….before the oracle…because it’s connected to growth, and not just a reminder that more exists beyond the five senses, not just a messenger from beyond bringing gifts…though those things are awesome. containing multitudes is awesome too. and so what if i sound like cherry cola this morning.