did i blog yesterday? i cannot remember. the cancer new moon is hitting my fifth house and opposing my jupiter in capricorn. although i need to write my paper and do all the work for internship and school, i will need to make time to nurture myself with light heartedness, play, tending to the inner child (i don’t care how annoying this term is, i like it) and being creative. it’s not easy to be light hearted right now as my mom prepares for treatment, with all of the unknowns. she is on my mind and in my heart every second. bouts of crying. tenderness. needing solitude to stay afloat. cancer new moon and mercury and mars in cancer too. mother is everything right now. i want to nurture her inner child. i want to be here for her. luckily my paper is partially creative and involves needing a lot of nurturing and tending to deep feeling. cancer being my south node makes me a natural at this. deep feeling is my middle name. i woke up crying from facebook posts about the way black people are treated by white people and for a man who lost his daughter to cancer, among other tragedies. there is a valley of sorrow i am picking dandelion flowers within. pluto in capricorn says to surrender, we don’t control nature as pluto opposes cancer moon, mercury, mars saying “i need to feel it all, i care about you and how you are treated, love can heal.” kaypacha’s interpretation of mars cancer being like drilling for feelings and the drive to go within to feel, feels totally right in my heart. the polarities are supposed to support one another. the trick is to keep listening to breath’s advice, in and out, this and that…let go, be pragmatic, do what needs to be done and then attach, feel, nurture, support (always the temperance card)….back and forth. i cannot help but pay attention to the psychological structure behind tragedy, challenge, sorrow, life and death, healing and transformation. it’s my capricorn jupiter, north node, and even my pluto libra house eight and all my libra. libra gets an over emphasis often, on his wishy-washy, people pleasing, lover of beauty, desire to charm, come and then go traits..and libra is also the one who sees all perspectives objectively and knows how to balance the many perspectives so that growth and harmony occur. i feel my eight house libra stellium do this for me. i also am in touch with this stellium’s shadow, though the shadow is not as vibrant as it once was…these days it’s a lot like, “yeah yeah, i know i want to lose all control and balance inside of you or you inside of me and blur the lines until i have no power or all of it,” no biggie. i never even acted out on this shadow aspect anyhow. kept it in fantasy or nestled inside of shame’s lonely unmet desires. maybe my aquarius rising has kept me distanced like a scientist of the shadow verses living in it fully like a lover, along with all that cool objective libra viewing from above, not needing experience as much as i need the ideas in and of themselves. maybe this is why i admire anais nin, cause she lived out her shadow with the same quality of psychological observation, where as i have only observed mine and expressed it in art. i admire those who live differently than me. if everyone lived like me i would be really upset, bored, and suffocated. differences are my spice and thank you for being different, even if my shadow contains a fight for that sometimes. i am changing the subject as much as i want. this blog is a nursery for the little girl right now. cancer. cancer sign and cancer in my mother. my heart breaks. light, keep filling the cracks. get on the mat. get in routine. capricorn keep balancing me out. garnet. jasmine. garnet. jasmine. rose quartz heart. and then there is spirit. the place and sentience of my refuge. my beloved and best friend. my true nature and wellspring of all hope and surrender. spirit guide me, hold me, be me, move me, tell me, show me. me me me, this michelle creature. we are all creatures of who we are. i honor the creature with all of my heart. i honor the temporal time we get to be us and the way we never know when it stops. this honor is written in the cosmos of my heart….