note from the underbelly….

it’s been a few days. very unlike me. very tough week. found out my mom has cancer yesterday. i was on the bus almost to my stop, on my way to work. the warrior and heart break burst open at once, flooding out in tears and conviction. calls to family. talking to my supervisors. thankful for working in the mental health field. i heard my mom’s voice in my head, her wish being for me to graduate. i decided to finish up my day. working closed the void in my heart. routine is everything. she will fight this and we will be her fellow warriors. the outcome is unknown. lots of people heal from cancer or keep on living even if they have it. fucking cancer. life is so intense. each day i will wear the garnet heart. each day i will wear eye make-up. each day i will shoot storm troopers. each day i will allow tears out of this body. each day i will show up present for my mom, my family, my clients, my friends, this world. each day i will live knowing each day could be my last day. the inner wounds i have been carrying throughout my life feel like sand castles washing away in the sea of something larger. getting in touch with my shadow side as this destiny with my mom is happening is no coincidence. i have no issues feeling my own pain. no issues sobbing or feeling angry. no issues feeling tender or fearful. feeling my own feelings is something i have mastered. i am unafraid of myself. i can feel everything and show up with hope as i build warrior strength through my love for my mom. what i struggle with is not being near my mom, thinking about her having to go through chemo, her journey. i can visit though. i am doing what is right but it’s not easy. doing the right thing can be so hard. my shadow craves unhealthy outlets and i allow the fantasies of those outlets to emerge. i entertain them briefly. tell a friend or two. allow the fantasies to wash back into the larger sea, knowing my only medicine is love. false refuges just don’t work anymore. wasn’t easy to be at the wedding last night but i found some light. their love is inspiring because they have been through the dark and back again. they have travelled the wheel of life. their joy for each other is vivid, their trust builds over time, they are way into each other, flaws, highlights, and all. i wasn’t able to celebrate but i was able to honor. the sun is back out again. warm weather hits seattle with summer. i will force myself on the jog soon. but a slow morning it will be….

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