the shadow is a trickster and love is strong…

feeling the weirdness of life. how you never know when your time will come to die. my mom said she is at peace with dying and not afraid and i feel the same way. i am at peace with dying and unafraid too. we are the same that way. sickness may suddenly happen and come on like a mafia boss, threatening the life of someone you love yet you could still be the one to die today in an accident or something sudden and random like that. this is not new news to us but i am feeling hyper aware of how anyone’s life can go at any moment. the other reactivity i am experiencing, as i read books for research on my paper, is when healers of all kinds think they have the solution to it all. just realize your destiny and journey to heal yourself and you’ll live a life of true self joy. just let go of self and your thoughts and identify with oneness and all will be well. just do this and the cessation of pain will occur or the happiness will occur. feeling this also with the idea that illnesses are caused by only one thing. like cancer is only caused by pent up emotions forming a tumor. or that all pathology is a result of trauma. or that all schizophrenia is a shamanic experience where the person needs to get in touch with their spiritual gifts. i don’t feel this to be true. i don’t feel you can reduce suffering, pathology, or the shadow to one reason or cause. i also am feeling reactive toward idealism. this is all stemming from me getting in touch with my shadow. how i have idealized the light of healing in order to keep the opposite of that in the bag i drag behind me (pluto’s shadow). as i get in touch with the non-reductionist, reasonless, complicated, difficult, existential, isolating, painful-without-solution shadow side…i find myself not glomming onto the need for a power source of any kind to handle the pain of life, such as a be-all solution, a spiritual path, or whatever. it’s not easy to accept the pain of living. at the time i am standing up more for what i believe due to healing another polarity split (mars). white eagle has come into my life to help me reclaim the masculine authority i put into the bag at birth. many aspects i am taking out of the bag as i work on connecting these aspects to the astrological planets so i may form a cohesive model for my paper. i am understanding jupiter’s shadow believing everyone can heal from this model of the healing the shadow (or whatever model is alive at the time) and that it’s the best model ever (dogmatism). this is the other shadow piece unearthing, due to me being so reactive toward the be-all-end-all solution healers. what is in your shadow that you cannot own comes to you as the other that you judge. it’s trippy to see how i am reactive to these healers because jupiter’s shadow is longing to be let out of my bag. i am giving awareness and letting my shadow out of the bag. as i do this, i heal the split. in healing the split, i don’t live in a false light that gives everyone freedom to believe in whatever they want. instead, i admit that i believe some truths are better than others and some truths are be-all end all truths. it’s hard to admit the shadow side of the personality. i mean, sure, it’s easy to admit shameful wounds (for me, anyhow) because wounds don’t make me an asshole. but to admit the shadow makes me look like an asshole. yet if i can be brave enough to honor my inner asshole, i can stop projecting it onto an ultimate asshole in the world, taking the power off of leaders who are everyone’s shadow unrealized all rolled into one ball of complete hell-fire. it’s a start in the right direction and i own believing that. you may not believe in this model of how reality works. i may think you are wrong while i say you are free to be right too. powerful. just by saying this out loud, i laugh at myself and feel playful. letting the shadow out of the bag instantly brings on a feeling of playfulness, like i am just a wild child in the universe succumbing to the human thing with all the foibles and beauty that come with being this form of creature. this human experience is hilarious. we are born and we die, how insane is that to begin with? i say this with curious lightness, not sarcasm. i say this to balance out the sobbing and all the heavy hearted feelings that are as real as the playfulness and as earnest as the fear. we are all the things and i am grateful for another day we get to be be here as us…

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