i haven’t wanted to blog because of what’s happening now. i will try because maybe it is helpful and a good thing. my mother is not well. soon we will find out if it is cancer or not. we all thought she’s just been having ptsd and anxiety these past months but she knew it was something more and she was right. my mom is very in touch with her body. i feel regretful that we dismissed her though none of us meant to do that. it’s so psychological. nobody wants to believe that illness is putting you in a place of surrender. how illness dominates when it strikes…i feel scared, sad, and my mom is all i can think about. the tears come of their own accord, a tsunami of sobbing. my family keeps saying to be strong. strong looks different for everybody. for me it looks like getting all of my feelings out. i cannot push them down. strength, for me, is not putting on a face of calm. strength is achieving a genuine calm through getting out the tsunami feelings so that i may show up for my mom as a pillar and a comfort. this is what i would want if it was happening to me. we do it for each other. she said i need to graduate and that it will give her peace of mind. i agree because i need to get my livelihood settled. this degree is not for fun, it’s for me to be able to pay for my life and contribute as a human being. i have five months to go till i graduate. it’s not easy. i need to write my paper this weekend and it’s so hard. i want to leave and go be with her. i can do this on my days off but we are all waiting to get test results back before planning visits. my paper is on healing through shadow work. the shadow is not grief, anger, and sorrow unless the ego wont acknowledge those feelings, when looking at the shadow through a jungian lens. but this is the underworld type of shadow we are in, my family. it is the darkness and the night, where we don’t know what will happen. loss is present and we don’t know where the end point of loss is yet. hope is alive in my heart. many people have benign growths in their body and many people heal from cancer. my sister and niece both healed from cancer. my cousin also healed from cancer. the uncertainty is challenging. i am having hope through the sorrow and fear, getting the feelings out when the feelings strike, and taking it one moment at a time. i have support, my mom has support, my family has support.
i love my mommy so much. we are incredibly similar. she is not into anything deep, expressive, intellectual, or heady like me but we both share a similar sensitivity and crankiness. she loves a clean house, light hearted television shows, animals, funky earrings, the color green, morning time and card games. funny and yet very typical, how the older i get the more i like light hearted television shows and cleanliness. i’ve started wearing eye make-up every day to be closer to her because she wears eye make-up. my entire family are animal lovers and morning people. i feel hesitant to write about this in public. i am not sure if i should. but this blog is by no means a blog many people read. i cannot explain why blogging is something i feel so compelled to keep up no matter what is happening in my life.
we all go through this story in life. we all get sick. we all have families. i love my family so much despite all of the differences and wounds. i have forgiveness for all that went wrong and acceptance for all that courses through each of us. i feel deeply in my heart that we have done the best we can and we keep doing the best we can. major bad things happen on many different levels of bad. the shadow exists. i take this compassion into my life with friends, co-workers, and further into political leaders, public figures, the world. all i feel is forgiveness. i feel that christ feeling in my heart. i am not a christian, i don’t believe in an external all knowing god ruling the land or that jesus was god or anything of the abrahamic myth be it jewish, christian, catholic, islamic, none of it. my spirituality is not based on any religious myths. i believe christ is a living energy of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, and acceptance. if jesus was really alive, he was awakened, christed and he wanted us all to be awakened and christed too. god/goddess is in everything, it is the sentient oneness that lives as breath, cells, material. nothing is not god. great spirit is life itself, alive with wisdom, love, compassion, forgiveness, and magic. the shadow is what is forgotten first in the heart of the human and then forgotten in the spirit of the human. we have the power to forget and this creates the shadow. if in my shadow is the opposite of wisdom, compassion. forgiveness and unconditional love…..existing feelings of rage, isolation, blame, and despair…i bring love to these shadowy parts. i bring remembering. i bring the sacred marriage of ego to shadow and love to forgetting. it’s hard to be alone right now. how much i want to be held and supported by a man by my side, i admit. but that is not the reality right now, so i find refuge in spirit. i am being held by spirit. i am calling on spirit to hold my mom, sisters, dad, and my entire family. this is life. i am brining love to the moment. love is my strength….