shadow and light dancing in dreams and waking life…

although i don’t currently have the money for this, i want to go to the maldives and spend a week on a floating village. dreams. i haven’t taken a vacation in as many years as i cannot remember taking a vacation. i guess with this leo north node i keep thinking about myself and what i like and what i want and how i want to express myself and other such me-endeavors. it’s about balance, not banishment. it’s about relationship, not singularity. duality is in a constant dance toward multi-dimensionality and therefor, i won’t believe thinking about myself is bad or that thinking about my desires is bad. i don’t think anything is bad other than harming myself or others. sometimes harm happens. it’s bad and a part of life. bad is an emotional expression not a fact. sometimes i get annoyed with trying to explain my colloquialisms. i don’t want to be held down by literalness or intellectualism. the moon is in aquarius. the sky is grey. the air is cold. i am mooning. it feels like autumn again. dishwater sky. emptiness in my heart. dreamed of being ignored by my family. i dream of being ignored all the time. it’s my main shadow reoccurring dream and perhaps the reason i give so much love in waking life. though these days i have not had the time or energy to give the love i normally do. i feel exhausted often. i feel exhausted emotionally. this is probably why i am fantasizing about spending a week in the maldives. i burn out on healing, coping, knowing. for instance, when i tell my story these days, it always ends with “blah blah blah.” here is me creating a story that stems from this feeling that has been repressed in the shadow awakening an implicit memory from age two, blah blah blah. here i am watching the mind want to be negative because the animal is emotionally exhausted and off-balance and it’s a family of origin habit and wound but i wont buy what it is selling, i will get on my mat and say my gratitudes, blah blah blah. when i blah blah blah myself it is not my soul i blah blah blah, i only do it with the knowledge piece. perhaps my reoccurring dream about being ignored refers to a part of me ignoring another part of me and this is why i get so sarcastic with my blah blah blahing. the cards show that the family in my dream is the strength card and the me being ignored is the hanged man card. what does this mean? my inner strength is ignoring my surrendered soul? i need to contemplate this more. my sarcasm is repressing a shadow piece that is crying out for acknowledgment within. has to be. i feel it. too much coping and managing makes me very irritable. transforming is revitalizing, coping is draining. it’s easy to fall into the latter because it’s easier to cope than to transform. buddhist practices have transformed me in the past when i did not know i was my breath and thought i was my thoughts. but these days, it’s more of a coping strategy to not get stuck in stories. my soul’s transformation requires something deeper and more feminine. there is a call to joy and a call to birth. i cannot explain it but at least i wormed by way out of the sarcastic blahs. exhaustion skims off the top. i see a light that never goes out….again. suddenly i feel the need to apologize for being so deep, psychological and me-focused. like…i should be more like them, the all knowing and powerful right people who seek to shame me by projecting their shadow onto me, blah blah blah. just kidding (about the blah blah blah). shame in the shadow rises again…i will bring her to tea and make her my friend.

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