raw as an oyster without a shell left on a hot crowded sidewalk…

didn’t blog yesterday. forcing it today. this is new, all of my blogging resistance. perhaps it is mars in cancer causing me to want to hide all the time and not express myself. yesterday i worked at home and not a cafe. this has been the new trend. cafes are annoying me because they are so crowded. my hood is packed all the time now. like a mini new york city. i don’t enjoy it. i stay here out of familiarity and that’s thing…my true self hungers for a sense of home. the hill is the only sense of home i know in this area. i need stability here a little while longer. i am open to moving elsewhere and making home in a more serene area that is less city, but i don’t know where. could be just up the hill or further. i have been in my studio in the city thick, for six years come july. it’s hard to leave the only familiarity i have right now. but again, i am open. went to birthday party in west seattle and sat in a real backyard with trees. loved it. got a huge love affair with trees. would love to live in a home with a backyard. can’t afford it unless i have roommates or a partner. don’t want roommates. but maybe i should be open. i want access to trees or water. either that or i want a really nice apartment way up high so i can merge with the sky. well, we can’t always get what we want but if we try sometimes we just might find we get what we need. cliche. the yearning for a home that is peaceful, modest, quiet, serene, with a back yard…yeah, that might be my biggest longing. my longing for a partner holds just as much power. these things i talk about all the time. it’s mars cancer again, increasing my drive for for home and my beloved, right now. oh. but i really don’t have the energy to long or dream for what is not present, specially chronic soul hunger. i only have the energy to amplify what is in my life now. my fascination with jung and the shadow. my creative side. been making a lot of art since removing emotional eating from my behaviors. nothing i need to sell or show as a great artist. what a relief to be free of that drive. making art for healing and the joy of making art is all i care about. it’s pouring out of me and my favorite activity, my biggest love affair. nothing will ever replace it. i am without false refuge right now as intense life transitions occur. no eating of my feelings. no escaping or avoiding. no hiding away in personas that help me to avoid. i feel so raw. so raw….

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