shadow, persona, school, the ordinary…

bought four books on the shadow yesterday and plan on reading like crazy this month to prepare for writing my paper. it’s interesting, how i don’t feel like i need to read these books for my own understanding of shadow work but i am doing it purely for my paper, to have books to cite and to deepen my intellectual understanding. the interesting part is how i am two people. not literally but metaphorically. due to how this world works, i am developing the persona i need to operate within it as therapist. at the same time, i am passionate about the shadow and healing. i am passionate about writing this paper from the place of my authentic self. sure, she would rather write it more creatively, citing nothing, and filling the pages with her version of richness, which is where the new developing persona comes in and learning how to not sacrifice the creative for the scholarly. i suppose i am more like robert bly than carl jung. i am more of an artist than an academic. i am more of a healer than a therapist. the building of the academic and therapist persona is just what i have to do. the old me would have refused. that was before doing my own shadow work. now that i have met with the shadow aspect underneath the refusal, there is no need to act upon it. i can widen my gaze and try on new aspects of self. i can allow myself to grow and evolve. i know there is a way for the personas to get along. what does my authentic self say about it? she likes to try new things. she likes to embody what is necessary. she is not too specific outside of her main purpose for being here, which is to be a messenger of love. how my ego chooses personas is a creative freedom my authentic self gives to the ego. the ego is not bad. it is necessary and adorable to my authentic self. my purpose is not found in the career, it is found in the doing of the soul. the soul wants to express messages of healing, love, wisdom in a creative way. how i accomplish this is wide open. i am poet, fiction writer, painter, therapist, healer, and whatever else i choose. i might need to costume my messages in a language that fits the world i am in. compliance is a trigger, always. the wound is large and goes all the way back to mu and atlantis. i have found, that in healing my relationship with my own shadow, shedding light and love into the deep dark sea of shadow me, that i can hold the wound with loving care and transform the wound into a gift. i don’t need to stunt my own growth to show the world how fucked up it is, essentially. it’s so much easier to speak colloquially and i have a love for speaking this way. to be honest, i am not interested in being an intellectual or an academic. i am doing it because i am in graduate school and i want to be licensed. i think there ought to be two tracks for becoming a therapist, school-wise. one for the scholar who may wish to get a phd, research and work in academia, and one for the pragmatist who seeks the license to be a therapist only. these two tracks could be tailored to be a more fine tuned experience. i am lucky that my school is not very academic in the traditional sense. it is highly experiential and creative, of which i am thankful. not sure i would have made it through a more traditional school. this is not to say i don’t love the idea of being an academic and contributing to the field of psychology on an intellectual level. i do enjoy the idea and the persona to match, but at this point i don’t feel it is realistic for my path or essence. anything could happen if i am inspired in a new direction. i am excited to get robert bly’s little book of shadows in the mail. read a small piece of it in another book and fell in love with the way he gives the message of the shadow. i have to trust myself. that is the other shadow part emerging. the part that looks like a wild creature who cannot speak english. the part that is a young child in a world of adults. it’s quite the landscape in my underworld. filled with creatures who have no voice….which is obvious based on my extreme desire to express my voice on a conscious level. the sky is blue this morning. time to go for a jog and be in the ordinary world again….and again…till death do i part…

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