relationship talk…

“i don’t want no scrubs, scrubs are the kind that can get no love from me, hanging out the passenger’s side of their best friend’s ride, trying to holler at me.” ok, so i am not a scrub attractor, but there is a certain archetype of man i attract as friend or lover, that i am done with because i am done playing the role that attracts them. i am done pedestalizing, fantasizing, denying, mothering, white-knighting, and doubting my worth, my standards, and my truth. got a sour taste in my mouth but it’s only a stage. i have compassion and understanding too. i am honoring both. i did not realize that this love-drought i have been in for years, is not really a drought, it’s an evolving and healing journey. sometimes you have to remove the thing that is lowering your life force and be alone for a while. i am happy i can give myself the space to not have a partner. that i don’t need a partner. i am self reliant. it feels empowering and like a security i can give to myself. not many women can say they know how to be single past the year or two mark. not many people can go without sex for very long. i can go without both and hold my shit together pretty darn well. as prince said, “until i find the righteous one, computer blue.” i have no idea what he meant by computer blue but i will take it to mean that i will stare into the blue of my computer in solitude. i would change the word righteous to equal. i think i have done enough self-work to not fall for the old tricks my subconscious will play by bringing in another relationship that highlights self worth issues. the key to knowing i have really grown and feel worthy of nourishing love is to be attracted to the right kind of guy for me and not be attracted to the old archetype. the man with a brilliant mind, humanitarian heart, and musical soul who is emotionally avoidant and duplicitous. the man who fears intimacy, sexually, romantically, emotionally. the man who is charismatic and magnetic but acts like he has low self esteem. the man who is a unique and troubled. this has been my pattern. maybe because i was avoiding intimacy too, by choosing men who could not give it to me. maybe i just described myself in reverse. i believe all attractions that turn into relationships of any kind are mirrors and directly related to what’s happening within the psyche. i don’t believe in randomness and i don’t blame or project. i am responsible for my own creations. i have worked hard to heal the multigenerational wound and attachment wounds. i feel ready for the intimacy my soul truly calls out for. when he comes, i wont push him away. it’s funny how all my ex’s sort of returned into my life in the past few months, in one fashion or another. i have great love for some of them even though i would never be with them as a partner. love does not require rightness in my heart. i can love and know it’s not right. the love is beyond being treated equal but love is not enough to sustain a relationship, in my book. love needs to be the root but it is not enough. my approach is very pragmatic. the older i get the less romantic i feel. i hope when i fall in love i also fall into some romance and lose my logic for the honeymoon stage. we all need a little falling. i hope he is a pleasant surprise. i don’t long for him right now though. i am not seeking a man by my side. i feel burdened by the idea, right now. but the burdened feeling will pass. this is just a stage of healing. the sour taste from emotional avoidance is real. it’s not just for receiving emotional avoidance from the other, it is from my own persona and wounds that attracted these men in the first place. i have compassion for them and for me. i know we are all innocent beings doing the best we can in life. i know we are all soulmates. i am experiencing some disgust is all. gotta acknowledge the shadow too. my shadow is feeling disgusted, angry, destructive, and wild. gotta give shadow some space so i don’t repress it, acting like i am all good and light. and then there is the ordinary world. time to get my laundry out of the dryer….

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