sunday spiritual thoughts…

i haven’t written in two days. don’t think i have gone two days without blogging for years now. strange. i am back in seattle. i miss my folks and joey the cat and i am glad to be home. slept hard. dreamed hard but the dreams are erased from my conscious memory. many feelings are rumbling beneath the surface as the shadow emerges from the unconscious deep and shows its true nature. i don’t feel like blogging. part of me wants to stop. i am pushing through. i feel committed to this practice. i have a vision of doing this for years on end and having a mammoth catalogue of diaries. i have a devotion to practice and this is a practice. my heart feels so tender. everything going on in the world. the impending doom of the environment. the rise of tyranny. i feel it is all in line with what needs to happen after thousands of years of status-quo oppression and abuse but it’s tragic and painful nonetheless. humans are like this. we don’t heal by waking up one day and saying, “hey, i was wrong, i was blind, i choose to be loving now,” and everything suddenly changes for the better. we must first drag ourselves through the mud. we must first find the contrast of pain and the absence of love to call out for love to return. our natures are extreme like that. the buddhists try to balance this by not identifying with the thoughts. the abrahamic religions try to demonize our human shadow nature as an external being or force. eastern wisdom like the tao, gets it and accepts it, allowing the cycles to cycle. jung meets the shadow head on with an open heart in order to marry the two extremes and i am doing the same thing. i have beckoned it for my final paper and boy, did it show up, loyal and true. i mean, i had to because pluto is on top of my north node in house twelve. i must surrender to unconditional love, oneness, and the deeper spiritual truth which is only brought about through loss. i feel it. i battle. i feel the part of me wanting to manifest (to gain) a comfortable, happy, secure, successful human life meet the part of me that is not striving for the external things, finding security in love and spirit (which cannot be destroyed) as loss fills my heart. i do not want to deny any parts. i had a thought on the light rail last night about how i will give no human my power in the sense of believing they have the answers to the nature of reality (no matter how enlightened they are or appear). i will only find my source to the divine within on a personal level. no guru, no system of thought, no holy book, no psychic, nobody. my awakening is my own. i know i am one with everyone and everything so when i say “my own”, i mean when i am identifying with this michelle body. i honor this identification as much as i honor oneness. my connection to the goddess tells me that the body and individual life has not been honored enough in spiritual texts, wisdoms, and understanding, both in the west and the east. divine feminine is about form and the temporal. just because it is temporary and illusion does not mean it is of less value. this is my way but whatever works for you, is your choice and i honor human freedom. i will follow my own way because it is my choice. my own tao. anyhow. time to get on the mat and do chores, ground back in to my home…

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