untitled blog…

day three and my brain is slowing down. i feel time catching up with my body, or the other way around. awareness of how to meet the vicissitudes of life with grace in my heart. how to feel what is hard and accept what is disappointing. i say “how” because to me, it truly is an art. sometimes i get messy. we all get messy. the heat in my heart rises like a bonfire and a dragon wants to consume threat in order to protect the vulnerable snail-like smallness within. i am suddenly reminded of our conversation at the folk life festival, about trapped aggression causing ignorant white men to project hatred onto people of color, women, and the lgbtqia communities. it’s too much to explain here, but it’s all about the how, not the why. sometimes how and why get mixed up. such as, “why does prejudice exist?” you could explain it with how it comes to be. there are facts of human nature that explain the building of a phenomenon such a prejudice. as for the why, that is a spiritual question. some people think it is karma, some think it is a spiritual lesson. i meaning-make as much as the next person, but i also make sure to let go of meaning-making and allow the shadow to just be. i do this because i feel too much meaning-making is like a gate-way drug to dogma and rigidity. i also feel the wisdom of “the shadow just is.”  it is this mantra that allows me to accept the vicissitudes of life without excusing them. accepting does not mean to excuse. in other news, recent events have pulled into the light another known phenomenal in my personal life. i have not chosen the right men for me in my life. i have chosen poorly. i am not hard on myself for this, just being present with a fact. i have loved hard a few men in this life, so at least i have known what it feels like to love in a romantic type of way. though these days, i feel i am moving past the desire to be all-consumed by romantic love. i am looking for a love that is more sustainable and grounded, equal and harmonious. kind of like monica and chandler on the show “friends”. not their character traits or life paths but just as a model for the kind of relationship that resonates. best friends with a great sex life. two people who understand one another. two people who really like one another. no more striving for it though. i am done striving in all areas of my life. and i feel a newness in differentiating myself from others. we all have our own paths to walk. every intimate relationship has its own journey and uniqueness. i place my attention on uniqueness for now. i am highlighting new aspects. my mom is in the kitchen cleaning up cat puke. woke up at 5 am this morning. will go for another jog and do yoga on the patio alongside lizards and hummingbirds. will watch a ton of television tonight and go to bed at nine. american rest. ashram life. untitled existence…

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