day two in the desert…

feeling more cleared out. a sense of mental spaciousness. a desire to wear dresses all summer long. an acceptance for the limitations of life. it’s always the same when i come here. my complex philosophical mystical brain turns into a simple creature. no deep complex thoughts here. only simple thoughts. no mysticism but instead a feeling of being light. it’s hard to explain. there’s also a feeling of being dark. i am referring to light and dark in jungian terms, not christian terms. meaning, dark is not bad while light is good (christian version). more like, dark is rich with knowledge and individual life and light is bright with effulgence and oneness empowerment. no pushing away half of duality. in vegas, the duality stands out strong. maybe cause it’s a gemini city. the dark is super dark and the light is super light. i had my spiritual awakening here and i also travelled into the bowels of the shadow. i learned about the tippy top and bottom core. but these days vegas stretches across as an oasis of middle ground. being at my folks house is like being in an ashram. their home is spotless and my mother is a priestess of cleanliness. my father is the gentle priest with a sharp intellect. joey the cat is our constant entertainment. birds, bunnies, blue sky and a ton of silence pervade. i think back to the cruddy and cozy grotto, aka: my home in seattle. the feeling is thick, muddled, mixed reviews, dashes of magic, chunks of longing, thin veil, dirty walls. can i bring more simplicity home? seattle is home. i know this now. and if it’s not, time will reveal. it seems i am always ready to leave but i don’t identify with this readiness. i hold onto nothing, not the readiness to leave nor the non-identification. oy, that’s abstract. time to take another walk under the hot sun with coconut oil slathered over my shoulders, listening to chris cornell on my headphones. i don’t feel his spirit here in vegas. i miss not not feeling his spirit. strange and sorrowful, how death can bring you closer to the essence of another…

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