day one in the desert…

seeing the multigenerational wound passed down through the women in my bloodline and also seeing how my mother and i are similar in our sensitivity levels. how we are like cats who wound up humans. how the challenges of life land with us. i hate writing right now. well, not hate, that’s a strong word. i will just say that my impetus is to not write out my feelings, hence why i am doing so, to break through the resistance and to write a very long run on sentence to unravel the mind that wants to snowball and turn molehills into mountains and maybe focus on the negative, maybe worry, maybe cave. i will be like the salmon instead and swim upstream against the desires to retract and go into silence. i will use my deep blue voice. i will admit the cry for relief and release from this life is strong. i can say for sure i inherited this feeling from the blood and from the collective unconscious and i can feel the difference between authentic true self me and the inherited personality. very distinct inside. very sharp in the distinction. this is step one. to feel the distinction. contrast reveals the differences. real me and inherited me. inherited me in list form: anxious, sorrowful, worried, sensitive, retired, passive, funny, direct, angry, negative, fearful, nurturing, unconditionally loving, magnetic, soft, focused. real me in list form: lucid, luminous, sensual, serene, loving, ambitious, curious, colorful, compassionate, structural, creative, spontaneous, balancing, tenacious, philosophical, system-busting, free-spirited, devoted. the list forms are alright. but there needs to be something visual to show this. colors and shapes. anyhow…blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah i will jog in the sunshine and look at the bunnies and think and think and think and watch myself think and think and think and know that thinking is only thinking while i feel feel feel who i really am underneath the thoughts and personality, singing in a red cove in the blue water…

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