disorientation and the death of striving…

the seattle airport is so romantic. i am listening to live music as i stare out fifty foot high, ceiling to floor windows overlooking the mountains and planes. i feel blessed in this moment. the musician’s voice and his guitar sound rich. he just started singing “purple rain” on acoustic. sometimes it feels the entire universe conspires to fill you with meaning, even if the meaning is unspoken. i feel disoriented from the healing day at the lake. i can feel the real me but the layers of personality around the real me feels different. it’s hard to explain. i am thankful for some downtime to integrate this new me emerging as death is a constant taste on my lips. another chris cornell memorial was created at volunteer park. the letter his wife wrote along with pictures of him with his children. the sun hole statue was covered in purple and white this time. i feel his spirit more gone than before. like the river of his soul is moving into the sea of something larger. i feel the vastness of life enter my bones and take residence like it’s no big thing. my eyes bulge with wonder. now the singer is singing “all along the watchtower”. yesterday i went to the folk life festival and had a zen time of it. wandered through the sun and shade slowly, listening to latin music in spurts between people watching and wafting. the place was packed. normally i don’t like being in the hot sun or in crowds but i felt really peaceful and my heart was wide open like a canyon, wide enough to contain everybody. got home in the late evening and felt exhausted and hungry, as if my hunger was like a whale’s song. i have no idea what i am saying. i feel surreal and don’t feel like making sense. i hold onto nothing. i am prayer flags eroding in the wind. i am longing met and unmet. i am wrinkled skin soft in places. i am tired of striving. i don’t think i can strive anymore. i am laying down the sword of striving, forever. the flow will take me over completely at some point in my life, probably in my fifties, if we are not all dead by then. i feel the expansiveness of life in my bones whisper possibility. i wonder who he is, my beloved animal mate in this lifetime. and i wonder if there is more than one? i have known a few loves already, though short. life partner is a different thing than lover. i wonder if i have a life partner in this lifetime? i wonder if a man will not be able to let go of me with the same fervor i feel for not wanting to let go of him. i wonder if comfort will take over our aging veins not wanting to break the chain of memories building. or will i be a free spirit moving through lovers and solitude like the wind. like hanuman. i am open, i suppose. all i know is that i am a soul lover. i am lover from the inside out. i really don’t care what music you like or what hobbies you are into. though if we are both working together to heal and create a new world, that would be a dream come true. who knows. but one thing i know is…i am done striving. i surrender. i raise my white flag. i collapse into the vastness. i am freeing myself of the chains that only bring suffering and allowing longing to be free to long as long as longing wants without stipulation. k, time to walk to the gate and get on a plane…

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