ode to chris, heart, weakness and all the feelings…

can’t stop listening to chris cornell’s music and watching every video on youtube. i am grieving this man so much and i don’t understand why because i never listened much to his music but now i am, and my heart breaks for his death. today was such a sensitive day all around. i lost composure inside. i experienced transference today that brought up a whole bunch of shame and made me feel exactly how i felt as a little girl. it’s like, today i had no filters over my heart. i still feel this way. i am overwhelmed with feelings that are only finding an outlet through chris cornell’s music. very old things i am feeling. i am all heart and no head. i don’t want a fancy analysis or intellectual reason. there is nothing to solve or fix, only surrender and more surrender. i understand how the birth of defiance inside of me is a result of not being able to use my authentic voice and ask for what i need. the voice of chris cornell is powerful and strong. his voice lives on. his masculine kind soul and shadows abound. i feel them inside of me too. the clean lines blur and the ego houses fall and crumble. i am all over the place tonight but i am just sitting on my couch listening and watching this man, feeling my heart melt like butter in a frying pan. want the sense of humor to return. want to laugh and lighten. it is all ok, no matter what, even when the worst happens and there is no going back. his soul is doing something as great out there as it was here, and yet it’s not about greatness. it’s not about being big, right, sure, bright, or anything without the weakness of life. i honor the weakness of life. i honor my own weakness. i can feel my own weakness so strong tonight. i can see how i run and hide, avoid and create illusions around people too. i am not the only one, i am not the only dreamer, i not the only person running from what still blazes inside as if time never passed. i wish i could have been a singer by profession. i wish i could have spent my years belting out to audiences from the raw soul. i should have liked to never need my intellect to prove anything. only some of us get to do exactly what we want. he opens my longing like a flute. all of the death and weakness in me cries out too. i cry out too. this is just a mood. weather passing on through. the air is cooling and the night is approaching and i feel it might be hard to hit the sack. i am alive with desires and loss of composure. i feel like a little gold fleck in a large black night. can we hold our natures like sweet birds in the heart? i want to hold your nature like a sweet bird in my heart. god, i am just feeling so much tonight. i won’t edit this. there needs to be a quiet little public space to admit what i am feeling….

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