getting the weekend out on monday morning…

monday is here again. i have not interacted with anybody since friday evening, except to order coffee or pay for something at a store. solitude city. so much solitude that interacting will feel strange today for a minute. learning to jump from the cold pool to the hot pool and switch modes with grace. i needed the silence to get my paper done. sometimes being with others makes it too hard for me to focus and tap into my intelligence. i am so freakin sensitive. so sensitive that i found myself wide awake with insomnia saturday night feeling existential fear and sorrow. sometimes being alone at night, in my shabby abode, i feel alone in a way that terrifies me. i feel existentially alone. the things humans do to be human is very grounding. it’s grounding to sleep beside somebody at night. it’s grounding to cook and eat dinner with another and to check in with them each day. it’s grounding to take care of a pet. ground control to major tom. oh, but i have been on the ground. finished my work yesterday afternoon and spent all day in the park making art and laying in trees. summer is here and i think it’s here to stay. i gotta write a huge paper due mid-august but my goal will be to have sunday afternoons spent laying in trees and making art in the park. self care is extra vital right now as the world crumbles and i am pushed past my limit with school and the sorrow of being alone in a home that temporary with no future home in sight. scary. i feel fucking terrified for my future, to be quite honest. i don’t know how i am going to make it in this world, sometimes. i know i am beckoning my underworld journey, for my paper, and i suppose it is here, greeting me. hello shadow. fear, hello. just keep breathing through it. making art helps so much. there is this huge beautiful tree stump the size of a small studio, in the park. kids play on it. adults play on it. i sat on it and felt the tree both dead and alive at once. i drew the spirit of the tree mixed with the spirit of me. i found comfort in my death. i felt sorrow for chris cornell’s death. there was a memorial created in the park for him. i could feel his soul inside the sorrow of his fans. his death was likely an accidental suicide, due to taking too much ativan. he was young and close with his wife and kids, according to what i read. how devastated they must be. life can change in the blink, remember. your life mate could die in the blink. you could die in the blink. security is truly an illusion. the good thing about spending so much time alone in a rice and beans bohemian style fashion, is that i am not attached to what can go away in the blink. don’t get me wrong, i wanna get attached. i want to live a human life. but i am glad to form detachment before attachment, for round two. i am very attached to my parents, which is round one. i was very attached to my wounds for a long time. i know attachment well. i suppose, since summoning the shadow, i have been steeping in death. the shadow is not only what the ego cannot metabolize in terms of characteristics, but also what the ego cannot metabolize in terms of actions, such as death at any moment. maybe it’s sick, but i feel proud of my ability to enter the shadow boldly. i feel like a pioneer. pluto, planet of death, is right over my north node in the exact degree, house twelve. i take it to mean many things, and one thing is that pluto is asking me to surrender to what feels like lack in my life. it is not lack. it is a call to find fulfillment in house twelve matters, namely, unconditional love, compassion, spirit, oneness. it is abundance that i am without the temporal comforts of the human being and i do have some comforts. i have a roof, food, friends, education, and family. i have a lot. my culture teaches me that without a mate, a nice home, and plenty of money, i don’t have the goods. part of this has to do with identifying with my cultural baseline. anyhow, no more analyzing. time to get on the mat. routine routine routine…

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