notes from a cynical frame of mind and sensitive heart…

wrote all day yesterday and toward the end i finally started sounding like an adult who can make sentences. hoping today this trend continues. summer is here, the sky is blue, the weather is warm but i will be holed up in a cafe again. i will do what i did yesterday again. go to one cafe and then take a sun break and walk across my hood to go to another cafe. two more days of this and my paper and proposal best be done. this is requiring pure force. there is nothing in me that wants to write this paper and speak from the logical brain about what i think is the foundation of health and pathology. there is nothing in me that feels like being philosophical right now. i am too deep in the bowels of my underworld journey. i am in the slime and sludge. not really. actually i am no place at all. the moment i wrote that is the moment i realize i am nowhere. i am not anything or anyone at all. i don’t feel depersonalized or dissociated, i just feel undefined and expansive. you can’t box me in. i don’t want to box my mind in. but i must and so i will subordinate for the larger purpose of wanting to graduate. this blog is boring. i have nothing interesting to say this morning. dreamed about being deep in queens new york and working at a mental health agency. was trying to help a fellow colleague and friend who was losing her sanity on herself but doing great with her clients. i wonder if this was spawned by a feeling i had last night of my tether to linear time. insanity allows one to leave the mental matrix of human enslavement and live on another mental dimension all together. i haven’t lost my tether but i understand how it is freedom from a certain angle. this human world is so tangled up in an ancient multigenerational wound so profound that pretty much everybody has lost sanity in their own hearts even if the mind can think linearly and progress through a lifetime doing what is expected of us and wearing enough blinders to move forward in one way or another. oh wow, does this sound cynical? i am feel extra sensitive. feeling the pain of the world. best to remove the cynicism and just feel the raw hurt. i will go for a walk through the city streets with my headphone again this morning to burn it off. i feel maxed out, man. i feel pushed to some internal limits. chris cornell had too much ativan in his system and it caused him to hang himself. it shouldn’t have happened. i still cannot stop thinking about him. i feel for his wife and children. time wont go backwards. the now can feel like a prison. oh, hello cynicism again. what is my deal? i hear: you’re just tired and lonely for what you hunger for in your soul as you travel on the road without it. and this too shall pass. i do have love, wisdom, and creativity. onward…

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